Robert Trout (00:01.45)
Hello and welcome to the Parent Problems Today podcast. Today I’m your host Robert Trout along with Paul Arradondo, both from the parent trainers team and community. Today we’re coming to you with a topic that’s very broad in its discussion, but it’s really important when it comes to the finesse, I think at least, the finesse of relationship with a child. And again, this is a tween teen or young adult.
And though I say that because for this topic in particular, tweens are starting to get to the place of understanding the context of the importance of modeling and learning and recognizing patterns. And they start to repeat, right? Very often they start to become you. They’re saying the things, the way that you say them, they’re interacting or problem solving in ways that they’ve witnessed other people around them.
So they’re starting to try. Then after that, into the teens and the young adults, we’re witnessing them bouncing these concepts or tools off of the community and people that are around them to find out what the reaction of the world is to their experience of it. So today we’re talking about authenticity and modeling as a parent. And
I guess let’s give some context to this. So Paul, why don’t you just, we’re talking about kind of the definition of this. So given overall concept of what authenticity is when we’re talking about parenting someone that’s going through kind of that developmental stage or mental health kind of process, where does authenticity play a role and what would that definition be that you would think?
Paul (01:52.036)
mean, the roles are many, right? But the definition of authenticity is truly show up and share what’s actually going on with you. And it doesn’t need to be complete transparency, because that’s a different thing, right? Transparency versus authenticity is something to really note when we’re having this conversation. So when we’re talking about authenticity in particular, what we’re really getting at is the value of sharing something that is a
including emotional content. Like, I’m frustrated. I’m actually kind of sad, and I’m withdrawing right now. I can feel myself pulling away. Those are very direct examples of what it means to show up authentically with your child. Like, wow, I’m really proud of you. Man, I’m really excited for you. Wow, that makes me so happy for you. That’s also examples of authenticity. So really what it is, is
recognizing that the way that we grew up, our generation, our parents were stoics, right? Or the emotions we saw were disappointment or anger. you know, like, and that’s, that’s across the board for a lot of our childhoods, you know, of our generation and previous, of course. So when we’re talking about, as you said earlier, Rob, this idea of
Robert Trout (03:01.258)
you
Paul (03:15.31)
You know, and recognizing, especially for this tween teen young adult, if you expect them to be authentic with you and continue to share with you, especially as they’re becoming teenagers, you got to be able to show up and do it yourself. And sometimes you got to open the door for them to do it by you first doing it. Right? You can’t tell them to share with you if you’re not modeling it or if you’re not embodying it, or if you’re not teaching them how to do it.
Robert Trout (03:41.129)
Yep.
Paul (03:41.188)
That’s what you were saying, Rob, is it’s really about creating the space for it to be normalized within your family culture.
Robert Trout (03:49.662)
Yes. And let’s make a very important point to all the parents that are listening to this. This topic is coming up because of the significant number of parents that are listening to this podcast and have called us and work with us that they make a statement along the way of they don’t want to talk to me. They don’t tell me about their lives. They block me out. They, et cetera.
Paul (04:13.518)
Right. One word answers. Yeah.
Robert Trout (04:16.26)
Yeah, and there is an element to the work that we’ve done and we see this in our community and parents that share back and forth that what usually comes out of that if they do that personal work is an understanding that the child is reflecting back the methods and methodology of the family culture. And this may not be you as a parent, like one parent might be a very, you know, overpowering share.
Paul (04:38.661)
Mm-hmm.
Robert Trout (04:46.074)
what’s going on for them and then another parent is not. They’re very stoic. They’re very shut down, etc. The child is developing and they’re usually going to try both at some point and there’s a balance here. So, when we’re talking about authenticity, sharing is important. Oversharing is sometimes equally as damaging as not sharing anything at all.
Paul (04:59.225)
Mm-hmm.
Robert Trout (05:15.166)
But there’s a very important thread that goes through this about the child is learning from the dynamics within the family system. And you’re going to witness them testing out what works for them, what feels good to them to try to problem solve the emotions and behavioral health contexts that are coming up for them as they’re growing. So any parent listening to this,
Paul (05:23.632)
Mm-hmm.
Paul (05:39.696)
Mm-hmm.
Robert Trout (05:42.154)
Please understand that authenticity is kind of finding the balance where when you share, they see that as an important moment because it’s important because it’s not something you do all the time. And it’s also important because you’re dropping in and connecting with them on a level that may not be all the time for you. There’s a middle ground here of authenticity.
for building relationship and connection through authenticity. And in doing that is the moment of teaching. That’s your modeling of hitting that special place where your process is so important to them because they recognize that this moment is different than all the other moments. Authenticity builds to that.
Paul (06:20.292)
Mm-hmm.
Robert Trout (06:40.772)
in relationship, especially with teenagers. my God. They look for those moments of like, is mom just going to be mom or is this moment different? So if you can present it in an authentic manner using the skills of language and body language and, and authenticity, you get the result that most parents are actually looking for where they witness you and
Paul (06:48.963)
huh. Yes.
Robert Trout (07:10.442)
I know of hundreds of stories that parents say I kind of broke and I told them the truth about where I’m at and what’s going on for me and the impact that they’re having on me, not blaming them. We’ll get to that in a minute, but in my vulnerability, they became vulnerable and showed up with me in that conversation. And they have this beautiful moment, hundreds and hundreds of stories of that.
because the parent is thirsty for that moment, but it is the authentic presentation of who you are that makes all this happen. Thoughts on any of that?
Paul (07:38.864)
Mm-hmm.
Paul (07:52.214)
I mean, I completely agree with that. And there’s this beautiful additive benefit if you’re talking through emotional vernacular, like I’m feeling irritable, I’m feeling frustrated, I’m feeling vulnerable, I’m feeling fragile, I’m feeling…
resentful. I’m feeling, you know, whatever the language that comes forward, you’re feeding that to your child for them to actually have a better reflection of themselves. Right? Does that fit me right now? When does that fit me? How does that feel? Right? And the more we can actually vocalize and articulate our sense of nuanced internal experience, the better they’re going to become at it.
Right? So what we’re really again talking about is as we become more authentic, as we use this language and we help them develop their own language, communication and getting a person’s needs met is just so much more easeful. Right? Like when I can say, rather than I’m angry, I’m saying, man, I’m feeling kind of annoyed and overwhelmed and just, man, I’m I’m feeling kind of numb.
and bummed, you know, like that language is going to really create more space for a dialogue and get a person’s needs met.
So what you’re really supporting your child and learning is how to get their needs met, how to be understood, and how to, again, come into a conversation. And again, you’re not just talking about having that conversation with your kids. You’re talking about your kids developing this skill to have a conversation with their future partner, or maybe a counselor, or maybe a best friend.
Paul (09:38.254)
Right, so again, training your children in this idea of authenticity, but it’s really about that nuance of what is this thing that I’m experiencing?
Robert Trout (09:38.42)
Yeah.
Robert Trout (09:49.884)
And let’s not forget that at its core, this is also how we teach emotional language. Some kids, they get all the way into their teenage or even young adult stages and you say, how do you feel right now? And to any outside observer, like let’s say this person’s like, they’re about to blow. Like they’re so angry or frustrated or something is going on and we can witness it. But when we ask them, they can’t label it. There’s not been a
Paul (09:55.984)
Yep.
Robert Trout (10:19.058)
development of language for them to put words to where they’re at. So what we see in those older kids and generations and young adults very often is an outward expression of emotion, whether that’s punching holes in a wall or running or, you know, shutting down completely or whatever. It doesn’t matter. Very often a part of that, not all of it, but a part of it.
Paul (10:38.99)
Mm-hmm.
Robert Trout (10:43.452)
is that they didn’t develop the ability to look at someone and scream how they’re feeling with language and help de-escalate that. So they’re physically manifesting what they are experiencing because of the lack of emotional language and technique to relieve it. So developing emotional language is a part of this, but let’s go back towards authenticity because it’s extremely important for people to understand what you said at the beginning of this about transparency.
Paul (11:04.463)
Hmm.
Robert Trout (11:13.246)
versus authenticity. Telling your kids, especially at the lower developmental stages, everything that’s going on for you emotionally as an adult is not usually a good plan, right? Dumping on them and letting them know everything about their father or their mother or their, your coworkers or your grandparents or whatever, right? Like using kids as that dump.
is not going to be beneficial at those younger developmental ages because you’re like, you’re being transparent. You’re angry at grandma for this, this and this, but they’re not witnessing maybe the problem solving. Very often families have this problem where there’s a lot of expression, but then the problem just goes away outside of the kid’s view and they never actually get to see the resolution of the conflict, for example.
Paul (11:58.128)
Mm-hmm.
Robert Trout (12:12.532)
So, recognizing the authenticity is letting them know what’s going on without putting all the weight of the stress of the relationship or dynamic or situation on them, which leads into a very important point as well about shaming the kid because very often a parent wants to let them know like, I’m feeling really frustrated right now. And very often we run into language there where it’s like,
I’m so angry and frustrated because you, right? And those two words are key to this conversation because when we’re looking at shame language and blame and kind of family dynamics, when you start having those moments because you, that language builds that like, okay, now their defenses go up or maybe they collapse because they’re feeling emotionally beat down right now or whatever the scenario is.
Paul (13:03.96)
Mm-hmm.
Robert Trout (13:11.036)
It’s super important in the authenticity to recognize and say, being authentic is letting you know that I’m having feelings. It’s not placing blame for those feelings existing. That feeling of frustration or anger or sadness or etc. is not your fault. Right? We have to separate the language. So it’s…
I am having a really hard time right now because I’ve witnessed you exhibit this behavior over and over and over again and I’m frustrated because I’m not sure how to help you. And then that opens up the conversation where it’s like I’m frustrated. I’m admitting it. I’m owning it. It’s mine and I don’t want to move from frustration to anger.
So I’d like to have a conversation about how we can move together towards this not being a problem anymore for us. Us, we language, we’re in this together. It’s not on you, it’s on us. Like the shared weight of emotional experience is super powerful for families that figure out how to communicate that shared weight and experience without blame being put in there. So.
Paul (14:10.805)
Mm-hmm.
Robert Trout (14:29.042)
So many language techniques are going to come in when we’re looking at those higher emotions, but the authentic part, which we’re looking at here in the modeling part, is stepping back and taking that breath and figuring out a way to just let them know where you’re at right now without putting the blame on them. I’m gonna pass that off to you, Paul, like what comes up when we start looking at Shane and dynamics within families.
Paul (14:58.564)
I completely agree that it boils down to language and presentation. You said a little earlier about tone and volume and body positioning and body language and things of that nature, intensity of eye contact and so forth.
When we’re trying to have these conversations, know, really the hope is that you can keep that child in the conversation, right? If you are pointing the finger and they feel like they need to be defensive because of the you, you, you sort of nature of these conversations as they typically play out because there’s so much frustration on the parents part. But, and how many conversations have you had Rob where the parent goes, but it is their fault and it is because of them, you know, and it’s like, okay.
Robert Trout (15:40.362)
Bye
Paul (15:45.294)
There’s also something on your end, right? A relationship goes both ways, right? And so I think this is a point of self-reflection as we always say and through parent trainers is like, hey, what part is yours parents? What part do you have to work through for yourself to be able to show up and have a good relationship with your child, to be able to show up and land the message, to be able to show up and communicate love and safety, because if they feel like they’re being bombarded, they’re not gonna feel safe.
If they feel like they’re being accused, they’re not going to be willing to be transparent, let alone oftentimes take accountability. Right. So creating that space for the we, I love that. That is the thing that I talked to every single parent about is like, Hey, I noticed when we get into this situation, voices get raised. We start getting defensive. Things start to get out of control and then it just devolves into a screaming match and nobody gets hurt. Right. So how do we resolve that? Let’s talk about that.
And especially when they’re becoming teens, pulling them into something that sounds more collaborative, that’s authentic. Because as they’re becoming that age, as they become young adults, we would hope they’d be able to navigate that conversation for themselves. And again, modeling. So showing up authentically as an adult in your own household and inviting them to do the same, that also is authenticity.
Right? Because you’re trying to grow a healthy adult. That’s your job. You’re growing a healthy adult. So teaching them to have collaborative conversations, not arguments, collaborative conversations, being able to hold your seat in the face of them pushing back, being able to express your emotions while they’re struggling to manage their own, being able to validate them in that process. That’s all authenticity.
Right, creating the space to ground yourself, that’s a skill. And to be able to still communicate what’s going on, right? That is a skill. And again, model that. Show up. And if you’re struggling with what that might look like, join our community. Come to our classes. Learn some stuff. Bounce your ideas off of other parents. Hear what they have to say about their own engagement with their children. Because what we’re really trying to do is have you feel empowered.
Paul (18:10.458)
right, empowered to raise a healthy young adult. Okay, so this idea of authenticity, we can talk for hours on this. And the truth of it is, is show up. Show up. Show up and be a little bit more willing to show that that side of yourself that you feel is vulnerable, right? Show that side of your felt that you feel might be a little raw.
You know, not to the point where, you said, Rob, you’re not like dumping, right? You’re doing it in a healthy fashion, in a way that allows them to see that you’re human, right? It allows them to see that you are willing to meet them. You’re willing to show up with them rather than them having to show up for you, right? So creating that distinction, I think, is really important.
Robert Trout (18:58.761)
Yeah.
Robert Trout (19:02.558)
Yep. So I want to step on one of the parent landmines that I’ve run into my whole career. Is the parent that says, but if I have emotion or if I admit that I’m bothered or that I’m sad or that I’m frustrated, if I admit any of that, they win. And this is a parent landmine to me.
because it shows a certain level of education for, mean, you talked about a little bit like our generation and generations before, et cetera. I mean, there’s parents of all ages within our community. And this kind of shows up everywhere where some people get this idea that about, God, how do I want to say this? Like the kids can’t win, right?
Paul (19:55.554)
I have to maintain control.
Robert Trout (19:57.414)
Right. And for some reason, that shows up so heavily when emotions are involved. Where if the kids having a severe emotional, like anger, frustration, depression, anxiety attacks, or whatever, the parents look at that and say, well, they’re having their emotions. So as long as I don’t, I am somehow in control.
or I win and they lose, or my job is to shut them down so this chaos ends, versus the reality. So the landmine is that belief, because it’s like, okay, you step into that belief in this moment, and there’s not gonna be any relationship building, I can almost guarantee that, and they’re not gonna learn anything, because you’re not teaching anything.
and etc. But if we step out of that into this authenticity mark where the truth is, the truth is that when a child, a tween, teen, young adult, I don’t care, whatever their age is, when they’re having an emotional experience, that’s the moment that at least parents that train for this and look at this and set themselves up, that’s the moment that they recognize and go, time to go to work. I can teach something right now.
I can build relationships, safety, support. can like, this is the moment because in the emotion, whatever it is, that child, that teenager is vulnerable because they’re not in a regulated state. They are vulnerable and you can either participate in that state in a fashion where this argument happens over and over and over and over again through your life. Or you can look at it and say,
Here’s the moment, they’re vulnerable. It’s time for me to step into the mode of teaching, modeling, and guiding them through what experience they’re having, which ultimately is the recipe leading to change so that that situation that maybe has happened 50 to 100 times in that parent’s life no longer happens because the child learned some key aspect of regulation.
Robert Trout (22:18.01)
or emotional speech and language to be able to communicate more adult-like is how most parents try to look at that because that’s what they’re hoping for is we can have an adult conversation that this will stop. that kid’s never going to be able to do that if they don’t, I’m going to say become educated about how and like it or not, parents are the teachers. You can’t send them to school and expect the teachers at school or the principal or guidance counselor to teach them this.
Paul (22:29.195)
Mm-hmm.
Paul (22:39.376)
Mm-hmm.
Robert Trout (22:45.706)
Some people have natural abilities and they’re great role models and et cetera, but you’re the one with them every day. And in those situations usually where that child is going through an emotional experience. So as a teacher and a guide, those are the moments that we’re like, okay, that’s your golden moment. Parents very often they become really tired and they’re like, my God, we have to be in this again. I’m going to say the same mom speech again. I don’t know. Like, and very often that’s subconscious.
They say the same speech they do and they go through the whole fight. Then they’re like, yay, I hope something changes, but it doesn’t. So it happens again and again versus the, they’re in that experience and I have a plan and I’m going to be authentic and share my emotional experience and meet them and theirs, right? We’re not going to shame. We’re going to meet. You’re having emotions. I’m having emotions and we’re OK. my.
God, the power of that. I want everyone to hear that again. You’re having emotions. I’m having emotions. And we’re okay. That is gold when it comes to education, vulnerability, authenticity, and that moment of building relationship. At the end of the day, it’s all about them seeing you and saying,
It’s okay for me to be emotional with you because when I’m emotional with you, we are both okay. We call that safety. And if they’re safe with you, you’re going to see behavior shift because they don’t want to hurt you. You’re safe with them and they’re safe with you. It starts to build a reciprocity.
through authenticity and language development and relationship development that over time you get to those young adults that they are young adults that can have an adult conversation with you parent to child but adult to adult because you taught them how through that process.
Paul (24:59.642)
So let’s pause because it’s good to take a big step back and go, where do you start? Because when thinking about everything that we’ve talked about, mean, it sounds like we’re encouraging you to just flip 180 if this is new to you and just go for it and dive in. And I would encourage you to.
Robert Trout (25:04.956)
yeah.
Paul (25:21.786)
prevent the whiplash of your child in response to that by dipping your toe in. And the first good step would be, hey, can I tell you how my day went? I was pretty frustrated. And then talk about your day before you ask them how their day went.
Robert Trout (25:24.243)
you
Paul (25:37.956)
Right. So flip the script a little bit in that regard, change your pattern and your habit of how are you doing as your first thing out of your mouth? Man, my day was pretty rough or I had a great day or man, my day was all over the place. And I had this thing happen and that experience happened and that go on. And as you said earlier, Rob, the modeling and the sharing actually create safety for them to show up. Right. So before you get to a difficult moment,
And then all of sudden you show up with all this authenticity. Normalize it a little bit with just regular interaction. Okay, start there. Start with something that’s like a little mundane and build, right? Because it’s going to feel awkward for you the first time.
Right? And it’s going to feel awkward for them the first time. The first time they might side eye you and go, whoa, why is dad telling me this? I’ve never heard this from dad before. Where is this coming from with mom? And you can actually say, you know, I’m so glad you’re a teenager now. Now I get to have these conversations with you. Right? Like acknowledge their growth, acknowledge their development, acknowledge that they are now prepared to be with you in that dynamic. And you’re again, through that, inviting them in.
Right? So create the space, open the door, create an opportunity for them to understand that things are changing and you’re going to be continuing to show up in this way because now there’s an opportunity for it. Right? Not that all of a sudden you did this parent coaching class and now you’re showing up in authentically. It’s actually, Hey, let’s acknowledge where you’re at developmentally. Let’s acknowledge where we’re at.
as a family, let’s acknowledge what is valuable in terms of how I want to have an adult relationship with you as you age.
Robert Trout (27:25.118)
Yeah. Absolutely. There’s also, mean, okay, everyone needs to hear this. What Paul just said, start slow. Making change too quickly can throw off the whole family system. And very often we run into that situation where the parent comes back to us and says, I tried it, it didn’t work. How many times did you try it? Twice. Both times didn’t work. It’s like,
Paul (27:34.584)
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
Paul (27:47.022)
Mm-hmm, right.
Robert Trout (27:53.866)
How many years have you done it this other way that’s non-functional and awful? And they’re like, I’m 13 years. And you tried this new way twice. So please here be slow, intentional, and give it time to create change within yourself and the family system.
And there’s all kinds of tricks and tools that we talk about with parents. I’ll share one as we kind of close out this conversation. I really love when we get to the teenagers and young adult stages. So I’m stressing that this skill is something that I work with families on when we’re getting to that like 15, 16, 17 and up age range, because developmentally, a lot of these kids have the ability to meet this skill.
And the practice is for the parent to go to that kid in some moment and say, hey, I got a problem and I’m wondering if you would help me out for a couple of minutes. Now, here’s key number two to this. The problem’s not about them or their behavior. This has to be about work or just something emotional going on for you or a really hard decision that’s bringing up emotions or something. But go to this young person and say,
I’m struggling with anxiety about making the right choice at work about who to hire for this position because they’re both great and it’s going to cause drama in the workplace either way and etc. And you don’t have to give all the details but give them enough that they see the build of the problem and then just say to them, I’m just looking for someone to bounce this off of. Do you have any ideas? Like, how would you solve this problem?
That’s the key to the skill development is that you’re not coming at them with this like you said Paul, like I’m being really authentic with you that you haven’t cleaned your room in 10 years and I’m reaching the point I’m going to strangle you. Like no, no, no, no, no. Let’s move them out and step into that role of if you want them to be able to have adult conversations later and to problem solve on an adult level, it’s okay to bring some real life scenarios in.
Robert Trout (30:14.162)
and ask them their opinion and how they would solve this or what they would do if they felt like you did. I love that. If you felt the level of frustration that I have right now with my, you know, my mom, what would you do? Cause I got to get rid of this. got to move it somehow. And I need, I need help. can’t think clearly right now. So what would you suggest I do? Open the door.
Paul (30:34.361)
Mm-hmm.
Robert Trout (30:42.922)
to real life scenario where they have to think about problem solving emotional situations and you’re there to receive whatever they say. Because the whole point is just to make them think and participate and here’s the crazy thing. They might actually have a good idea and if they do, go do it. Maybe with them but show them that you receive feedback.
and you change what you’re doing because of what they said. If you want them to do that for you, you have to be willing to do that for them and others in a way that they’re learning from it. So, we’re really stepping into that modeling with this kind of process. But, through everything is the authentic, I’m not showing up with this really fake scenario that I made up because I just want to have this kind of like, this is real. This is real life.
Paul (31:25.264)
Right.
Robert Trout (31:39.186)
And I’m being authentic and vulnerable at some degree asking for you to show up with me.
Paul (31:48.6)
Yeah, and the one last thing that I’d say is, you know, we weren’t necessarily taught a broad vocabulary of emotions. And so do this gift to yourself. Go and Google a wheel of emotions. Just Google that and Google image it. Okay. And then take whichever one you want, print it out and use it as a tool for your own self reflection.
Okay. Because when you go around and you look at that array of options of, I feeling this? Am I feeling this? Am I feeling this? Am I feeling this? yeah, that that’s real. that’s real. yeah, that too. That too. Cause we can have a ton of them all in a single moment. Right? Create the space for you to enrich your own vocabulary so that you can show up and do the same for them.
And the better you know your internal landscape, the better you can model it for them. So go Google Wheel of Emotions. Print that thing out. Print it out in color, because they usually come in rainbow colors. And create the space for it to be a conversation. Create the space for it to be a tool. Create the space for you all to build this new language for yourselves.
Robert Trout (33:03.262)
Well, if you’re a parent and you’ve heard this conversation, we invite you to reflect on the idea of how are you meeting the task as a parent of becoming a mentor, teacher, guide, and educator to your child about emotional language and development and the skill of building relationship through empathy and connection and the vulnerability
connected to authenticity. Reflect on that. And if you’re not great at it, then now is the time to start shifting that. It’s never too late to shift the process that you’re in within your family system. We invite you to reflect on it. And then if you need help, if you’re looking for those skills in developing the strategies of how to do this for yourself,
or just the support of other parents who are probably going through very similar things that you are. We invite you to join us at our community at parenttrainers.com and to ask your questions and do the group coaching and watch our training videos and kind of go through everything that we as a community offer each other from parent to parent and from professional to parents as we do that. It’s such an amazing resource. So we invite you to join us.
But if nothing else, reflect on this concept and start thinking about what you would do to start becoming that teacher and educator to build relationship with your loved one. Thanks for listening.
