Robert Trout (00:01.402)
All right, well, welcome to Parenting Problems Today. And today you have myself, Robert Trout, and Paul Arredondo from the Parent Trainers Team. And we’re bringing you a general topic today that comes up with families that are looking at working with kids. And this issue, we’ll call it an issue, spreads across
so many different diagnoses and neurological processes and kind of just any situation that families are falling into. And it comes down to time management, which directly ties usually to some form of executive functioning kind of process that the kids going through or issues that are coming up where they’re just not tracking kind of how life flows.
So today we’re gonna kind of step into this topic to give a general overview of this and touch on some solutions and things that families look at. But the purpose of the conversation is just to introduce this as something that parents very generally bring to our platform and community that are just, let’s be honest, the parent is very frustrated. And it’s pretty universal at that point.
When it comes to executive functioning and time management, Paul, what’s the statements we hear from families? What’s the first thing that comes to mind?
Paul (01:29.24)
I mean, there’s several things. Like, I feel like we’ve had this conversation so many times, right? In terms of generating a plan, in terms of trying to get it organized, in terms of setting up expectations around, you know, if we’re going to reverse engineer our morning and make sure we have enough time for everything. We’ve had that conversation, right? So I think the common theme of, you know, what parents come forward with is some exhaustion.
Robert Trout (01:34.133)
Yes.
Robert Trout (01:55.562)
Yep.
Paul (01:55.638)
Right? And, you know, one of the things that I think is very common and that’s right in parallel with the parents in their own experiences, sometimes there’s maybe not an acknowledgement or there’s a lack of perspective about not only, as you said, there being potential neurological challenges, but where their child is at developmentally. Right? Time is so abstract for, you know, children.
Robert Trout (02:18.752)
Yes.
Paul (02:22.518)
Right? And then as you get into like adolescence, teenager, you would expect them to be capable of managing it, looking at a clock, being attentive, understanding what 10 minutes feels like, understanding what an hour feels like. But ultimately, developmentally, they still struggle with it. You know, even keeping themselves on pace through tasks, that’s also time management. So being able to…
Robert Trout (02:41.684)
Yes.
Paul (02:48.066)
help them stay organized. think oftentimes the presumptive nature of they should be able to do this gets in the way of actually what’s realistic. And so sometimes the parent actually is the issue, not the kid. They’re expecting their child to be perfect or they’re expecting their child to show up in a certain way and developmentally or maybe neurologically, they’re just not capable. So it’s a challenge that we hear often.
Robert Trout (03:17.855)
Yep. And I even have to back a lot of parents up and say, let’s identify the problem. Because you’re saying like maybe the issue is the parents of the problem. Well, the truth is for most families, at least for me that I get to, is that time is the problem. Not even the kid and the parent. It’s just this understanding that the parent feels a lot of pressure to meet expectations because they’ve lived a life of consequences.
Paul (03:41.545)
Sure.
Robert Trout (03:46.689)
based on time. And if you have 35 years, 40 years, 50 years of, like, if I don’t show up at work on time, I might get fired, and you have that internalized pressure, that’s just knowledge that’s driving your behavior. Whereas for the 12-year-old, they don’t have that. In fact, very often, time is the thing that the 12-year-old is looking at and saying, I don’t care.
Like there is no consequence that matters to me at this point. So time very often is the conversation piece that I find that the parent needs to kind of, okay, let’s back up a little bit and look at this understanding that when we start looking at executive functioning, no matter how old the kid is, the question is the communication around why it’s important.
So for me, I always have to get into, like, if you’re trying to push a 13-year-old out the door, very often trying to make them care isn’t the solution. Now, you can step back from that, and very often I do see a lot of success with families that step into the, we’re going to have the conversation so you understand all the impacts that happen, not just to you.
but to everyone around you. That’s me, that’s your family, teacher, school, everyone, so that they start to develop a sense of seeing all the pieces coming together. And for, I’m gonna say a neuro-normative kid, they can actually start putting those pieces together. Like, this isn’t just about me. And it helps them kind of like, the world flows like this, and I might not care still, but I can see.
how I’m impacting everyone else and depending on their personality, a lot of kids have enough empathy at that age that they go, all right, I don’t want to make your life harder, mom, or whatever it might be. But when it comes to the making them care, that’s where I think we hear the most kind of complaint, inventing from families, because that seems to be the go-to reaction.
Paul (06:00.63)
Right.
Robert Trout (06:07.273)
from families, from parents that are in that like, my God, we’ve had this conversation a thousand times. Which mainly means I’ve yelled at you a thousand days in a row to try to get you to do this thing on time or in a manner that flows for me. But again, for me, there’s always that lack of conversation around the total impact, not just what you expect of them. Do you agree with that? Like what else?
Paul (06:28.119)
Mm-hmm.
Paul (06:34.772)
I certainly agree with that. You know, I would add the nuance of the timing of that conversation, right? You’re not trying to have that conversation as you’re getting the kid out the door. This is a conversation that we often refer to as like a front loading conversation, a conversation about how you’re going to manage a future moment long before you’re even there. So if you’re talking about the next morning, or if you’re talking about the morning rather, you’re having that conversation like the day before.
Robert Trout (06:44.096)
Yes.
Paul (07:00.512)
Like, how are we setting up this routine? What are your reflections about what you struggle with? How do you see us all working together to make this actually functional? know, like helping them be self-reflective rather than telling them that they’re doing wrong. Right? So really what it is, is about generating insight for them. Like asking them good questions rather than telling them what their struggle is. Being curious about how they’re…
perceiving things rather than telling them what they should see. Right? I mean, of course, explain what’s going on for you. Explain what’s happening for you emotionally, how it impacts you, and as you said, Rob, like what you perceive is like the impact on other people, but oftentimes that comes after asking them questions and seeing where they’re at first in their perception. So it’s a bit of a slower conversation in terms of helping them find their ground and their footing and their perspective.
Robert Trout (07:46.869)
Yes.
Paul (07:54.368)
Because as we know, especially with teenagers, as they’re getting into that teenagerism, they put on the blinders in the center of their own universe and everybody’s supposed to be operating around them. It’s a very selfish, egocentric time. So being able to help them take those blinders off and see the world around them, that is primary in terms of helping them, again, as you said, develop that empathy.
Robert Trout (08:15.243)
that.
Robert Trout (08:19.039)
Yeah, and you just touched on the magic word. When it comes to working with executive functioning, no matter where it is on the spectrum, in my opinion, right? So whatever the neurological process or behavior pattern or whatever it might be, the solution to executive functioning and kind of looking at that understanding of time management comes in.
Paul (08:29.516)
Mm-hmm.
Robert Trout (08:45.633)
the solution always starts with the conversation around routine. And you just said that word. I’m going to step back for a second from that because for any parent that’s listening, we do need to have this conversation. It is absolutely normal for your kid, nine, 10, 12, 13, 15, to not care. It is absolutely normal for them to be
on a different wavelength from the adult brain neurologically and developmentally where time is this abstract piece and it’s something for them to be like, all right, I know I have to do this thing, but I really don’t understand why it matters. And that’s the disconnect there. So for any parent listening to this, when some families, they get in like, I think he has an executive functioning disorder. He was diagnosed with ADHD.
The truth is that’s not very commonly true. He might have ADHD, but the executive functioning is this like title that is just put on the struggle of getting things done. But developmentally, there’s the challenge of assessment where this person might just be a normal state and the parent is in a heightened anxiety or hyper awareness of their responsibilities.
So they put it on, it must be their fault. They must have a problem that’s making this this difficult, but it’s not actually the kid. Very often it’s the parent that’s just like, I need a word for this. And this culturally has become a big word, know, executive functioning issues process. mean, there’s executive functioning coaches. There’s all these things that happen. But executive functioning is a baseline kind of tracking within assessment of
Paul (10:26.711)
Certainly.
Paul (10:30.892)
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
Robert Trout (10:41.757)
is this person at a normative place that they can get enough done for a 12 year old that would be considered, hey, they actually are doing an okay job with this. Because again, they don’t have the neurological function an adult has. So if you’re out there listening to this, I commonly say like, okay, let’s take a deep breath first, back up and look at this. Is this their problem or your problem?
Paul (10:56.332)
Mm-hmm.
Robert Trout (11:08.129)
And that’s why, stepping back into the conversation, that’s why the solution always, always, always starts with routine. Because sometimes they start quizzing the parents, like, okay, well, what time do you get them up for school? And the parents like, well, you know, it’s, you know, sometimes six, sometimes 630, you know, whatever, like, every, there’s no set structure for the kid to follow. And here’s one of the hardest things for most parents.
The reality is, is kids neurologically thrive in structure. Yes, they hate it. I’m going to say it again. Yes, we know they hate it. They, they argue against it. They push against it. They all these things. So if you’re one of those parents out there going, my God, my kid hates structure. No, they don’t. Not neurologically. Neurologically, these kids like really looking at to me, seven through 16 ish somewhere in there.
Paul (11:39.98)
Yep. Yep.
Robert Trout (12:04.799)
That time is so imperative to have a container built that they’re able to push against it, but it holds solid. They’re really able to depend on understanding that their world flows in a way that makes them feel safe and that they can depend on the consequences and the times and the structure to be normative for them.
Paul (12:15.661)
Right.
Robert Trout (12:32.193)
That’s the neurological thriving that we’re really looking for there. Not that they’re not going to fight and argue. Parents have to separate those two things because both are normal, but the structure is what we’re looking for. So with executive functioning, the first thing we get into in that assessment is, what structure have you built? And if you as a parent go, well, it’s kind of free flow and it depends on how I’m doing and how they’re doing and you know.
Paul (12:53.144)
Mm-hmm.
Robert Trout (13:01.855)
Well, guess what? That tells me immediately as a parent, coach and trainer, there is no structure. We’ve identified the real underlying core process here where the kid can kind of do whatever they want. Just because again, they don’t care at the level that you do and there’s no flow to depend on to say, every day I wake up at this time and I eat at this time and I get out the door at this time and
Paul (13:02.198)
Mm-hmm.
Robert Trout (13:29.089)
You know whatever and I’m just using that as a general example. It does it like cleaning my room. You know, whatever it might be there needs to be structure put into place for them to begin to depend upon it. And yes, that requires you as the parent to be the one enforcing the container and structure. And that’s sometimes the most difficult part is the parents saying, well, I’m so tired. Well, you can’t yell at your kid enough for them to care.
So really you’re just creating the conflict immediately, whereas the answer is to back up and the structure and container roll itself, putting in the hard work first so that life becomes easier.
Paul (14:12.65)
Yeah, and what I would add to that, Rob, is that oftentimes, you know, again, especially in, you know, Western culture these days is like, parents are exhausted. They’ve been working all day. They’ve been having to deal with X, Y, and Z and ultimately structure is a difficult thing to manage. You know, so we can sit here and have this conversation about like, idealic lenses of family culture, and then it has to come back to reality, right? And so we want to really like…
put that out there for all you parents listening and all you caregivers listening is like, we understand stress is a real thing. Exhaustion is a real thing. Your own time management is a real thing and you only have so much bandwidth. Right? And so one of the things that we often will say is like, write down an idyllic structure just to kind of like look at it and then go, okay, what’s realistic? Right? What can you manage? What can you sustain? Right? Because if it’s not sustainable,
it’s not going to be functional for you and it’s definitely not going to be functional for the kids. So you have to actually take stock of what are you capable of holding. Just as much as you’re trying to figure out like, why can’t my child hold this? It’s a system, right? You have to show up. You have to be present. You have to do what you can do to keep the system rolling because we’ve been using this word executive functioning, which is this…
broad label that talks about task initiation and prioritization and organization and emotional regulation and all of these things. But really what we’re talking about is how do you create, again, that routine, that structure, that consistency, because that’s going to actually support them in healthy decision-making moving forward as they age into adulthood.
Take stock of where you’re at personally as a caregiver, where you’re at as a co-parenting unit, whether you’re in the same household or in your or you’re in separate households or maybe you’re on your own as a parent. Well, even more so. What’s sustainable? What actually works for you? What can you stay connected to? And, you know, we use the word consequence just a minute ago. What can you hold?
Paul (16:22.26)
in terms of consequences, because that can be really challenging, especially when we go to the topic of technology and boundaries around that. So it can be a bit confusing and daunting to think about reworking structure and how do you show up and create space for that. And the topic of this conversation is time management. So you have to manage your time in order for them to be able to understand how to manage theirs.
Robert Trout (16:48.203)
Yes.
Paul (16:48.406)
That’s what we’re coming back to is creating the space to be a role model in that sense, creating a space to support them and understanding the value of it. You know, these are rich conversations. And I said earlier, you know, there’s this front loading conversation about how you.
set up expectation or work through or reverse engineer the conversation about how do we have enough time and how are we going to manage our emotions if we’re struggling in those moments or what are you going to be able to hear from me in order to like help you get back on track? And you’re probably going to have to revisit that conversation. You know, I’m sure, you know, most families try and set that up at the beginning of the school year and now you’re deep into it and you’re like, my God, things are falling apart or, or they’re not as like idyllic as you would hope them to be. So.
Robert Trout (17:31.882)
Hahaha
Paul (17:35.944)
cycle back around on those conversations, reset your intention. There’s always space to come back and reset intention around time management, around how you meet each other in these moments of stress, especially when you recognize that your schedule can’t be consistent, right? You have appointments here, you have activities there, you have changes in schedule that, you know, just pop up. So communication is one of the most important things to support this idea.
Robert Trout (17:44.833)
Yeah.
Paul (18:04.744)
of staying connected around how you manage your time, how you prioritize things around your family culture, whether it’s dinners or activities or what have you.
Robert Trout (18:16.161)
Yeah. And communication brings up also an interesting topic because for us with our work with tweens, teens, and young adults, there is that transfer of information. And it is really important for the parent to start later in the teenage years. So to me, 15, 16, 17, and that’s developmentally. That might not even be their real age, but when they’re reaching the growth levels of a typical 16, 17, 18 year old,
individual, now we’re stepping into a timeframe where your job switching to mentorship and a part of that is communicating possibly the strategies that you as a parent put in place to support them in being successful in getting whatever it is done so that they start to understand that. For example, myself and a lot of other parents that have implemented strategies where it’s like, okay, you can have device time.
either TV or whatever it might be after your room is clean, every day after school maybe, something like that where you put something into place. And then later as they get older, is that turning around and explaining that that concept helps them accomplish several goals. Everything that they’re looking for is where it belongs because they cleaned and that means a certain thing.
It’s like your clothes are in the drawers, your brushes on the counter, your schoolwork is here, like, et cetera. Things are put into order so that their life becomes more manageable and less spread out. That’s just one example. But it’s important to turn around and have that conversation with them as they’re getting older so that they start to appreciate that the structure makes their life manageable.
Because for a lot of kids with executive functioning, it is usually tied to depression, anxiety, other things that are happening. So if their life feels more manageable because they took that 10 minutes to do this thing and they start to appreciate that, then you transfer that to them as a life skill. Not something that the structure or you as a parent are managing, but that they start to say, I do this for myself.
Paul (20:26.86)
Right.
Robert Trout (20:34.623)
because I don’t want to feel that overwhelmed feeling or that, you know, whatever it might be that’s happening for them. So the transfer of that information and responsibility into a life skill as they get older towards that young adulthood really helps them set that up. Like, I moved out of the house now. Maybe I went to college and I live in a dorm room. What do I need to do that I did at home?
to manage my life because sometimes they get there and no one says clean your room and it just goes insane. And that’s when things fall apart later because every little bit of structure that was helping them manage is no longer in place. So that’s an important transfer to me in the responsibility of the parent to the child during that process. This also brings up tools.
Because the truth is, especially in our modern age, that there are a lot of things for kids to use that adults use too, but very often don’t think in terms of, that helps me manage life. The biggest would be phones, right? It’s like, hey, there’s an app for that. Because pretty much, if there’s a problem out there, someone’s created something to help manage it. So I have kids that.
there’s little dings or alarms that go off at certain times that they just learn like, it’s this time I take this medicine or I do my homework now or they kind of manage their life one ding at a time to break things down into smaller checks. Like, all I have to focus on and do is this one thing. Other apps turn the phone completely off until something’s done. Right?
There’s all these tools that can be used through technology, but also for the younger kids, just tools such as a calendar that’s on the wall, that’s theirs, that they can see each day is broken down into blocks. This is what you do. And then at the end of every month, you sit with them and make their calendar again so that it becomes like, here’s the flow of how life is looking, but it breaks it down into a manageable piece.
Robert Trout (22:53.721)
sometimes a section of a day or a day. It depends on their capabilities, things like that. What other tools can you think of, Paul, maybe that have come in handy?
Paul (23:04.152)
Sure. I think one basic tool is more of a process of have a weekly meeting with your family. Sit down and create a conversation where you’re not processing a bunch of emotional content or dialogue that’s gone sideways. It’s more just like, hey, let’s touch base about what this next week looks like. What does everybody need in terms of getting to this place, making sure we’re attending to that thing, creating space for understanding of this is when we’re going to gather together. This is when you have free time.
Robert Trout (23:10.997)
Yes.
Paul (23:33.324)
This is when this anomaly of like this dentist appointment fits, right? Or this morning, we’re going to have to take a different sort of tact in terms of getting you to school because I have to like go this direction rather than that. So setting up the opportunity for the kids to not be surprised or feel like they are confused about what’s coming because, you know, especially with executive functioning.
Or somebody who has those challenges, that could be ASD, could be ADHD, could be depression, it could be anxiety. Oftentimes, if you look at any of those diagnoses, reactivity is right behind it in terms of something new being introduced. So front loading and creating space for them to understand, things are going to be different, it gives them an opportunity to process it a little bit. And now, of course, there’s the concern like, but that’s going to make them more anxious, you know, and…
That’s also part of the process, right? That’s part of the conversation. Create the space for them to actually feel it, right? Create the space for them to actually choose something to do for themselves. Encourage them to take the time to say, so what’s the worst that can happen? How do I prepare for that? What’s more the realistic outcome? Let’s talk about that. How do we create space for them managing some sort of discomfort? Because that’s a skill, as you were saying.
Robert Trout (24:34.177)
Yeah.
Paul (24:55.85)
Earlier Rob, that’s a skill that’s transferable to them managing life outside the home, right? The distress of new, the distress of the, again, the anomaly that just pops up. The transitions that occur in life, those are skills to be able to, or that is a skill that they need to develop.
Robert Trout (25:16.553)
Yep. And there is something very important in what you just said that I’d like to reiterate for the parent that’s listening to this. We are not discussing managing or hiding these individuals from their anxiety. In fact, what we’re talking about is the exact opposite. We’re talking about inviting the anxiety and that’s a catch-all word, I’ll be clear. It’s a catch-all word for the reaction and the feelings in that.
Some kids have anxiety about doing things wrong because they’ve been yelled at so much. Right? So the truth is, is the parent also needs to manage their anxiety with the structure that you build. Whatever that structure is, whatever tools you bring in, what we’re discussing here with executive functioning and time management is putting systems in place to help hold the anxiety.
Paul (25:50.114)
Sure, yeah, definitely.
Robert Trout (26:11.699)
and show them that just because you’re anxious doesn’t mean you can’t accomplish this task or this event or this goal or whatever it might be. And then for you as the parent, just because you’re anxious that they’re going to screw this up for you again doesn’t mean that it’s going to happen again. You have to also let go of that and say, we now wake up 30 minutes earlier than we used to. And yeah, that sucks for me. I like to sleep. But.
Paul (26:18.316)
Mm-hmm.
Robert Trout (26:40.633)
I am able to manage my anxiety because now they have the full amount of time with the reminders and the tools and the structure to be ready so that I’m on time and they’re on time. Right? So it’s equalizing it, whereas the parent, we make the smaller sacrifices and put in the structure that works for them to build that education so that all of us can make it to work and school on time or get the task done.
or the room is clean or whatever it might be. It doesn’t matter. You identify the goal and you build the structure around it. Understanding again, especially the younger kids and teenagers, they don’t care. Let’s just be honest about that. They do not care. And that’s okay. That’s normative for these teenagers to like they’re clutter blind maybe or whatever it might be.
because they’re looking at all the things that they’re excited about going off and exploring out there. So the thing here, home, you, the container there, matters less to them now. And that’s okay and it’s supposed to happen. So it’s putting the systems in place of saying, still get to go explore out there, but there’s this task to take care of before that happens. And I mean this task.
Very often the amount of overwhelm for executive functioning individuals comes from having too much to do. They can’t even pick where to start from a list of six things that are supposed to happen. So it’s breaking that down and saying, nope, not six things, one thing. You’re going to get one thing done. And the relief of that is palpable. When we first start putting those systems in place for these kids, they go, I can do that. And they can.
Paul (28:20.277)
Mm-hmm.
Robert Trout (28:33.033)
and they believe it. And so you see that action oriented approach where they start saying, one thing. And then when that one thing is done, they get to have their time, right? Because breaks are also an important tool for executive functioning. It can’t be like, get these six things done and then come see me. No, no, no, no, no. Get this thing done and then have your time. Do what you’re gonna do. And then when you come back, I’m gonna say, okay, before we eat dinner,
is time to do this one thing, right? So they engage one thing at a time to manage the load that they feel because if it truly is an executive functioning or time management issue neurologically, having too many choices is very often the problem. Like to make it as stupidly simple as I can, too many things to do is the problem. So.
Paul (29:29.474)
Mm-hmm.
Robert Trout (29:30.557)
If we can neurologically back off and hand it one task or one operation, they’re usually much more likely to have a higher level of confidence of accomplishing this thing. And interestingly enough, not causing you any emotional response because they don’t want to get yelled at. They know that if they screw this up, they’re going to get yelled at.
Paul (29:54.21)
Mm-hmm.
Robert Trout (29:57.033)
And sometimes you’ll see them deflate because there’s too many things to do and they already know they’re going to get yelled at. So you have to boost that confidence in there too by saying, I know you can do this one thing and you know you can do this one thing, go do that one thing and be really careful as the parent to recognize that you have to acknowledge the success that they had with that one thing. All of these are key little points that happen.
Paul (30:01.591)
Right.
Robert Trout (30:26.941)
along the journey of like neurologically developing systems and tools and practices for them to start saying, okay, I’m going to get what I need to in life done. I’m just going to do it one thing at a time.
Paul (30:41.642)
Yeah, so when we often see kids struggling with the challenges of, you know, time management or task initiation or limiting distraction, when they are collapsed on their bed because they don’t know where to start and cleaning up their room, for example, there is often a sense of overwhelm. And so what you were just talking to right now, Rob, is trying to limit the overwhelm.
Create the space for them to slow down and just take things one step at a time and that in itself is a lesson of prioritization Right like pick up your clothes put them in the basket. That’s the only thing I’m asking you to do Take the trash out pick up the trash. That’s the only thing I’m asking you to do Don’t try and do anything else. Don’t try and accomplish anything else. Stay focused on this one task I’m gonna come back and check in on you in about 10 minutes. Okay, and when you come back
Be prepared to not see anything done. Expect, expect it, right? And watch out for your own reactivity because your reactivity shuts them down further. And as you said, Rob, it’s a pattern. So recognize what your patterns are because they are responding or reacting to you. That thing of the…
Robert Trout (31:44.595)
Yeah.
Robert Trout (31:53.801)
Mm-hmm.
Robert Trout (32:02.773)
Yeah, absolutely.
Paul (32:04.36)
how you all communicate together and create space to actually get things accomplished. We work with so many families where we’re trying to help them unlearn that yelling is the tool. Being aggravated is something that actually supports them in being motivated. That actually is not functional nor healthy. And they’re just teaching.
You’re just teaching them unhealthy communication styles that are going to rear their ugly heads, especially when they’re teenagers. So creating the opportunity to understand your impact. So before you create any changes around how you engage them or how you’re going to even have the conversation about time management, do some self-reflection about what it is you’ve been doing. We’re always going to say, start with assessment.
Robert Trout (32:36.767)
Yep. Yes.
Paul (32:59.992)
Start with building your own insight around your part. Create the space to understand how these patterns came to be. You know, and one of the things that we often say here at Parent Trainer is, is everything you do and you don’t do, they’re paying attention. Everything you say and you don’t say, they’re listening. Right? They’re just trying to figure out how to navigate life within the family system and feel safe or feel like they’re not pissing people off. Right? Or they’re just trying to like make it.
They’re trying to figure out their place and their role in the family system. And so what role have you created for them? When it comes to time management, part of it is them feeling purposeful. Part of it is them feeling like they have value within the family system. Part of it is having a conversation where they feel like they’re being uplifted. And it goes back to what you were saying earlier, Rob, recognizing how everybody impacts one another.
Create the space for them to also see how they positively impact each other. Because if you’re just sitting down and telling them all the things that they’re doing wrong, that’s an image about how they think they’re being perceived.
Robert Trout (34:10.859)
Yes.
Paul (34:11.288)
Right? So create the space for a full conversation. Here’s the things that we’re doing well. Here’s the things that we’re challenged by. And then wrap it up with some positive feedback at the end. It’s the whole Oreo method. Right? Create the space for them to feel uplifted, like they’re, like everybody’s on the same page and we’re a team and we’re goal-oriented. Right? Because if it’s just you need to, you have to, how come you haven’t? You’re not creating space for them to feel motivated. Right? So.
A lot of this is about keeping them engaged, keeping them engaged in a positive way. How do you keep them motivated? How do you keep them positive? How do you keep them striving for more? Because if they’re just feeling brow-beaten, they’re gonna struggle to be receptive. You know, it’s gonna be a more difficult conversation.
Robert Trout (34:55.393)
Yeah.
Yep. I think my closing thought on this, honestly, is just for parents to recognize that executive functioning is not an individual problem. It’s a family systems problem.
The truth is, is that the conflict starts to really come in to become the problem when people aren’t engaging with the person’s capabilities. So recognizing and assessing what they can and cannot do versus what you expect of them or demand of them, which is a strong word, and it very often comes from people that had the same. Their parents gave that to them.
Paul (35:34.284)
you
Paul (35:38.776)
Right.
Paul (35:43.352)
Sure.
Robert Trout (35:44.313)
So executive functioning is one of those things that is like, well, if you’re venting to me about this, I immediately know as a parent coach that you as parents haven’t shaped a container for yourselves to build a structure for your whole family to operate within. So we have to back up now and go into that and say,
This isn’t just about them starting to listen to you or paying attention or doing it faster or whatever the complaint is. It’s backing up and saying our system needs to support their capabilities. And when parents do that, I see the relief in them too, where it all clicks together and they go, I thought he just wasn’t listening to me.
Paul (36:35.362)
Mm-hmm.
Robert Trout (36:40.383)
Like, no, no, no, no, no, no. That’s not what this is. Like, yeah, there’s a certain normative part of that, especially for teenagers and that kind of like developmental strategies. But if we’re really legitimately talking about some process of executive functioning, they’re not doing this on purpose. They just don’t think the same way you do or operate the same way you do. Or very often, I find the parents have forgotten how much they struggle.
Paul (36:42.86)
Right.
Robert Trout (37:10.173)
as a kid. They learned strategies and developed coping mechanisms and emotional regulation and lived for 45 years and figured it out. And then they lacked the empathy to recognize that their kid is struggling in very similar ways that they did and they’re just doing what their parents did because it worked for them. But it doesn’t have to be that way.
Paul (37:10.391)
Right.
Robert Trout (37:36.277)
There are so many strategies that you as a parent, if you’re listening to this, like, back up and say, how do I want to do this as a parent to support the struggles that my child is having and to build my own empathy for the position they’re in to build my structure that will work for us, us, all of us, them and me, so that we get to school and work on time and the house is picked up and
You know, they help with chores and, you know, things kind of flow. How do I do that? So recognize how empowering that can be for a parent to say, I get it now. I need to show up and do this differently.
Paul (38:20.364)
Yeah. And I think there’s also that piece of like, I think parents get caught in that trap of expecting, like it was named at the beginning of this conversation. If I’ve told them to do it, they should just do it. Right? If they, if they say they understand, then why in the next moment does it feel like we didn’t have the conversation? And again, developmentally or neurologically, they’re just not capable.
Robert Trout (38:32.15)
Yeah.
Paul (38:45.622)
Right? And so if you’re expecting perfection of a 13 year old, even if they show up really well in a lot of aspects of life, that’s actually a you problem, not a them problem. Right? So check your expectations, have some patience, offer some grace, you know, and be patient with yourself in your own process, certainly. And be on the same page with your co-parent, right? Because especially if you two are not on the same page around these approaches that we’re suggesting, it can…
be confusing for the child. So be clear about who you are as a family culture. Talk about your values, your ethics. Talk about why time management is something that needs some focus, how it impacts, like we’ve said, everybody in the family and beyond.
Robert Trout (39:35.425)
All right, well, if you’re a parent out there and this has been informative or brought up questions, we invite you to come join us at our community at parenttrainers.com. Come ask questions, attend group coaching sessions, sign up for sessions with one of us, attend our classes, everything that’s there we’re doing to support families in all kinds of situations, including this one. This is a big one for families. So come find us at parenttrainers.com.
We look forward to seeing you and hearing your questions. Thanks.
