Robert Trout (00:01.171)
Hello and welcome to parent problems today, the podcast that we explore different subjects and questions and kind of situations that our families find themselves in. look to provide some information as we go through these episodes as well, which is kind of today is looking at one of the lessons, one of the content pieces that we want every family to think about when they’re working with kids, these tweens, teens, young adults. It doesn’t really matter. The truth is, this is probably a human condition lesson.
and it’s going to step into an acronym called HALT and I’m actually going to pass it to Paul Arradondo from the parent trainers team to start the introduction for this idea. So Paul, why don’t you take everybody through it real quick.
Paul (00:47.544)
Sure, happy to. So HALT as you said is an acronym, H-A-L-T, and it stands for Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired. And the reason that this is like…
come forward and working with so many different families is we oftentimes get wrapped up in overthinking. We get wrapped up in the distraction of and definition of mental health or what’s the underlying problem or what does this mean? And ultimately when we’re thinking about behaviors and we’re recognizing that there are potential patterns, you know, and one classic one that I constantly hear is, you know, every time my kid comes home, they are
are just irritable and they are really struggling to maybe vent out some of the energy and lash out. And there might be a simple fix to that. So like, let’s take the first letter of HALT, hungry. When people are low blood sugar, man, I mean, we all know what hangry is, right? The first sign of low blood sugar is in your stomach growling.
Robert Trout (01:52.265)
and
Paul (01:58.538)
it’s actually irritability.
You know, and that’s the case with, you know, feeling tired or dehydrated or any of these things that are actually basic functions where sometimes the potential solution can be as simple as giving the kid a snack once he gets into the car as you’re picking him up or make sure that you have something that he can access himself or herself when, you know, they get home. And ultimately that regulation of blood sugar.
will even out their mood and slow them down. And so again, hungry, angry, lonely, tired. And so this acronym is a bit of opportunity to have some objective perspective. Is there a simple solution here? Because if you’re hungry, give yourself some food. If you’re angry, take some space.
If you’re angry or if anybody’s angry, man, that’s a difficult conversation or a difficult engagement and often conflict gets escalated if both parties are angry. And so we talk a lot in our trainings about de-escalation. And so if you recognize your child is angry,
trying to common sense them in so many words is not going to be functional, or you’re going to have to do a lot of validation before they’re going to be receptive at the very least. If they’re lonely, maybe they feel isolated or they’re feeling like they don’t have somebody to connect with. That’s also an experience that’s worth taking pause and taking a step back and actually asking, hey, how are you feeling right now?
Robert Trout (03:17.128)
Okay.
Paul (03:40.276)
snapping back at their irritability before trying to wrap your head around what might be happening for my child in terms of why are they isolating. And of course, tired. The final one, if anybody is tired, gosh, we just don’t operate on all cylinders. We struggle to stay focused. We struggle to manage our emotions. And so again, taking a big step back.
Robert Trout (03:51.912)
Thank
Robert Trout (04:05.064)
So, thanks.
Paul (04:08.257)
Hungry, angry, lonely, and tired is a value tool. And it supports perspective in creating maybe some compassion for the person that might, you might be witnessing having one or maybe multiple of these experiences at once. And it can actually be a great way to bring some.
Robert Trout (04:24.663)
Mm-hmm.
Paul (04:29.582)
patience and grace into the dynamic. Maybe it’s something that you can embody or maybe it’s like a conversation that you have with your kids and talk about it. It is going be an educational piece, a hungry, angley, lonely, tired halt. Let’s pause. Let’s see if there’s something we can do. And so it becomes this opportunity. So I’ll just pause there.
Toss it back to you, Rob. I’m sure you’ve had many conversations with many families where, you know, we’ve brought either this or similar sentiments up in terms of like, you might be overthinking the room.
Robert Trout (05:00.934)
Yes.
Yeah, absolutely. And that that’s part of it is we overlook the simple and very often we fall into the trap of thinking this has to be something complicated because I don’t understand. And the truth is, is we back up to the basic human needs, right? Well, if we get to the basics, very often the majority of conflict, struggle, frustration, irritability, all of these baseline human feelings.
are gonna be tied to some need that has not been met and I’m smiling because yes, I’ve talked to many, many families about things like this, but I’m also, you know, a father of a tween daughter. And I guess I’ll share to the listener that I’ve instilled, you know, it’s the whole like practice what you preach for me when my daughter comes home from school. The first thing it’s routine now she knows when she walks through the door.
Paul (05:36.796)
huh.
Robert Trout (06:00.518)
The first thing we do is drink a giant glass of water, because, you know, hungry is also hydration. Those two things are absolutely tied together. And I can’t remember where, so I’ll have to look for it. But there was a study recently that was looking at, like, hydration and the practices of hydration, at least for American youth. And they found something like 80, a very high percent, 80-something percent of kids.
came home from school dehydrated. Like absolutely, they hadn’t drank any water all day. They might have had a milk or a juice at lunch, but that was it. No water at all. So I just want to throw that out to the listener that expand these concepts a little bit where hungry isn’t just hungry. It’s not just food or something. It’s also hydration. It’s also looking at the state of what they’ve been doing all day. Have they been outside at field day all day or sitting in a classroom not moving?
Paul (06:32.917)
Certainly.
Paul (06:36.983)
Mm-hmm.
Paul (06:49.837)
Mm-hmm.
Robert Trout (06:57.222)
Like there’s lots of these things where it’s like feed them, hydrate them, move them a little bit, you know, and do all those things. But the important factor for me when I talk to families that we work with about this is setting routine. It’s not halt today. It’s halt every day. Build this into a system for your family that’s not just for your kids, by the way. This is also one of those things that
Paul (07:12.558)
huh.
Paul (07:25.047)
Mm-hmm.
Robert Trout (07:26.204)
How much water have you drank today, parent? What’s the last time you had a snack today? Did you eat lunch? The number of times I’ve had to have that conversation with a parent that they’re losing their mind and I have to go, you told me once that you often skip lunch because you have to work through it because you’re so busy, et cetera, was today one of those days. I go, yeah, I didn’t eat lunch. Why does that matter? And you have to point out the level of irritation.
the level of reactivity to everything that’s going on. So not only build a routine, which is a huge part of this around water and food and that kind of process, build a routine that’s around you and them. When my daughter comes home, I drink a giant glass of water with her and we have a snack together. She tells me about her day. And here’s the thing, because I can already hear all the parents going, I don’t have time for that. It takes 10 minutes.
I blocked 10 minutes for this practice. And if you can’t give 10 minutes to your child’s social, emotional health, then we now we’re identifying a whole other set of conversation around what’s really happening in the family system. You have to prioritize the basics to set the stage or foundation to work on anything that’s bigger, that requires more energy than that does. That’s a 10 minute conversation of water and snacks.
Paul (08:42.701)
Mm-hmm.
Robert Trout (08:56.408)
Really setting aside and building that routine So that’s my first thought looking at H anything you’d add to hungry hydration
Paul (09:07.33)
I mean, I love that you brought in hydration because I mean, just like with hunger, the first sign is irritability. It’s the same with hydration. Before your lips are dry, before you have a headache, before you get dizzy, before any of that happens, you’re irritable.
Right. so thinking about it, and I love that, you know, we’ll find that statistic. I, I, totally believe it, you know, that, that piece about, kids showing up dehydrated at home and that dysregulation can be so activating for parents. And I think you nailed it in that final, piece in recognizing that parents aren’t doing this very well for themselves, you know? And so recognizing for yourself and supporting your co-parent, like maybe
Robert Trout (09:31.586)
yeah.
Paul (09:53.492)
that is part of the routine too. When your co-parent and you show up, you go to the kitchen and you take a drink of water and you have a snack. Right? Like that the idea of routine doesn’t just extend to your kids. It is, as you said, it’s actually important for us to model it to normal.
Robert Trout (09:59.977)
Yes.
Paul (10:12.258)
it, to have it feel like there’s something that we can resource on a regular basis. And it’s like, yeah, we do that thing. yeah, that does actually work. yeah, we’ve talked about it in the past. And we recognize it as functional and important and something that is very, again, supportive to our family and our ability to be with one another.
And so this could even become a family culture piece where you are really tending to each other because I mean, there’s so many family cultures and I mean, whether you look at it through just a person’s lineage or ethnicity, it’s like, you are going to get fed anytime you walk in the house, you know, and that can be built upon for the sake of stability and groundedness and being able to engage. So.
Robert Trout (10:37.02)
Yes.
Paul (11:01.186)
think we’ve successfully unpacked the hungry hydration bit, right? So, you know, I touched on the anger a minute for really briefly at the beginning and the HALT acronym is about taking and pausing and self-reflecting and understanding like, wow, I’m angry or well, they’re angry or maybe we’re both angry.
Robert Trout (11:04.828)
Yep. Yep.
Robert Trout (11:26.482)
Yes.
Paul (11:27.22)
And being able to recognize that, and this is another term that we often use, co-regulation. Co-regulation meaning we often can connect with each other subconsciously in a neurological nervous system sort of way. Like if you are escalated and you’re talking louder and it’s a very intense voice.
I might get escalated and start talking louder in a very intense voice and that ramping up by both of us actually makes it harder for us to be receptive to one another. So that building of tension…
often comes alongside emotions, anger being, you know, a big blanket statement for, you know, what that might build into. so that being said, being able to recognize that in yourself, being able to recognize that in your child, being able to have a conversation about that with your child. Again, this idea of front loading, get out ahead of this. Anger is something that we can see and feel and being able to disrupt the pattern of anger blowing up and then
Robert Trout (12:34.44)
Thank you.
Paul (12:34.952)
people getting in each other’s face or really avoiding each other in fact is an additional and unfortunate pattern that we see often. So being able to call it out and call it out in a supportive fashion. So this is even a bigger skill. You know, how do I rob?
Say, hey, how are you feeling right now? And do not take it as a judgment or hey, maybe we should pause this conversation because it doesn’t feel like we’re hearing each other very well at this point. Maybe we should take a moment to just slow down and take a deep breath together or, you know, let’s go sit in the other room and that movement physically shifting into a different space can actually maybe dissipate and deescalate some of that anger and that tension. And so there are all sorts of strategies that we can
Robert Trout (13:03.442)
Well.
Robert Trout (13:09.201)
Yeah.
Paul (13:28.912)
really invoke in this sense of, okay, how do I manage this or how do I redirect this or how do I support it in slowing down? And it starts with identifying it. You want to add anything to that, Rob?
Robert Trout (13:43.881)
The only thing I add to this is recognizing for parents that we very often talk about like the triggers to recognize and this is one of those that if your kids already angry Halt is even more appropriate because it’s like oh you have to stop your whole job has changed now if they’re dysregulated your entire job is to regulate them and using this acronym even just back it up if you’re a and
You know, anger is present in you or them back up, go to H, get some water, get some food, like take some space or not, like eat together, whatever it might be. But don’t try to proceed into whatever imaginary thing it is that you have to do right now. It’s really about backing up the steps of self care until needs are met and then progress can be made emotionally, physically, logistically, whatever it might be.
Sometimes you just have to recognize that if something is off in the foundation, you have to back up and take care of that first. Otherwise you, and that’s the responsibility, right? The parent has to recognize they’re responsible for taking care of those needs. Otherwise you are, you, not your kid, you are setting all of you up for failure and whatever it is you’re trying to attempt, whether that be a conversation.
or going shopping or whatever is about to happen because the basics haven’t been taken care of. And that is a parental responsibility for many reasons, not the least of which your kid does not have the brain function yet, especially the younger ages. You know, we’re looking at like kids all the way up to age of 25 that sometimes have a really hard time with executive functioning, which is a part of have I drank anything? Have I eaten anything like tracking your life and the pieces of your life?
Paul (15:22.497)
Robert Trout (15:35.698)
So if your kid’s younger than 25, back it up. Take care of the basics and the foundation before you move on.
Paul (15:45.87)
Great, yeah. So let’s move on to L, lonely. Your kid could be lonely, you could be lonely, your co-parent can be lonely, or maybe a better word might be isolated. You can feel isolated in your experience. And that makes us, well, it creates fragility.
It actually impacts our capacity to be resilient and manage emotions because we don’t feel safe. When we are disconnected, there’s a lack of safety. And that loneliness can actually breed defensiveness or anxiety or fear. I mean, the list goes on, right? Or maybe anger, right? And so check in. Are you feeling lonely and isolated?
Is your child potentially feeling lonely and isolated? I mean, another case in point is the kid coming home from school and maybe they had a poor social experience or they felt rejected in their class or from their friend group or from one particular friend. And that sense of isolation can really activate the nervous system. And so when we talk about how to work with loneliness, you know, we often use this word reassurance.
Robert Trout (16:55.783)
Yeah.
Paul (17:09.742)
How do we reassure not only our child, but also ourselves that we’re not alone? Because sometimes we can get into things like catastrophic thinking.
Robert Trout (17:12.486)
So that’s it.
Paul (17:21.646)
or know, black and white thinking, these ways that we narrow our scope of reality. And ultimately when we’re feeling lonely, we need to feel, the balm is a sense of connectivity, or feeling witnessed and seen and accepted. So if your child’s feeling lonely, that is, it’s so important to halt and slow down and be with them and just accept them exactly where they’re at.
You don’t have to shift them. You don’t have to change them. The gift in slowing down and being with them is reassurance. Because that’s you showing up and creating space for their experience. Again, you’re not trying to push them in one direction or another or convince them.
that they’re not alone or that they can make better friends or that it’ll work out or that placation is like parents wanting to move through the situation quicker. And ultimately that’s a really invalidating experience on your child’s side in that experience of being pushed through. So yeah, what else do you wanna add to that?
Robert Trout (18:19.944)
you
Robert Trout (18:32.519)
Yeah.
Robert Trout (18:38.846)
I think the only thing to add to that is something we’ve echoed through so many of our lessons and podcasts in the past is build your team. Don’t do this alone. Like so many families, they this is the trap that they fall into the most is because it’s like, well, I have to prove I’m the best father, the best mother, the best family, you the best whatever. But I’m supposed to do it alone, which is such like it’s such a trap.
Paul (19:01.016)
right?
Robert Trout (19:06.224)
It’s not true. It’s absolutely imperative that we have support systems and other people to call on for ourselves as parents, but also for our kid to say like, this conversation, this thing that needs to happen, they’re not going to hear this from me, but they can hear it from them because I’ve, you’ve integrated other people and resources into your life. And that can be therapists, coaches, teachers, like it doesn’t matter mentors, like
Kids just a few years older than your kid that they’ll be more in line to understand each other because there isn’t a large age gap, things like that. Just please don’t tell yourself you have to do this alone. That’s the biggest thing I think for the parent when it comes to loneliness is sometimes we did it to ourselves. We isolated ourselves as the parent. So hear that as a call.
Paul (19:49.71)
Mm-hmm.
Robert Trout (20:04.864)
and a plea to come join the rest of us because we’re trying to be supportive of each other and to recognize that you might have a solution I’ve never thought of. You might just be able to hear me and understand the struggle I’m going through, which will be a huge relief emotionally. There’s so much resource from parent to parent and family to family and community to you. Like you’re a member of a larger picture. So
Please, please, please don’t fall into that trap.
Paul (20:38.814)
Yeah, I’ll just add upon that. You’re not alone in your experience. There are people out there who have had a similar flavor of challenge to what you’re experiencing. And we’re all working hard to be the best loving supportive parents we possibly can. And so being able to learn from each other, just as you said, Rob, is so important and recognizing, you know, that there’s…
Yeah, there’s communities out there that know your kid in the way that you know your kid because they have that same kid. have that same, they see, they understand the behaviors and the frustration that the parent goes through. And so being able to tap into those resources, so important. Yeah, thanks for adding that in. So the last letter in the HALT is tired.
Robert Trout (21:14.376)
Yes.
Paul (21:34.422)
When we’re tired, as I said early on, it just makes everything so much more difficult. And I think parents who are often riddled with anxiety or fear around their child’s wellness, their sleep cycle tends to be disrupted. I’ve had so many families where their child doesn’t get home till late and the parents wake up.
or the child doesn’t go to bed until late and the parents are just trying desperately to help their child set a regular sleep routine. And there’s so many different solutions around all of that. And to take a big step back, being tired muddles our ability to communicate. It muddles our ability to be receptive.
We are working at a lower capacity when we’re tired. And think about that with your kid. If they have an irregular sleep pattern, if they’re working from a place of being tired, man, that is so challenging. And we actually often see this with families who have children with ASD, like high functioning or on the lower functioning of ASD. it’s oftentimes clockwork.
If there is a poor sleep cycle or a poor night of sleep within 24 hours, there’s going to be a huge disruption in that kid’s emotional regulation. Big eruption. And you know, we, it’s, it’s a pattern, you know? And so being able to recognize that for your kid, if they’re waking up irritable, that’s a sign. There’s something there.
And I mean, some of that’s being a teenager. Let’s be honest about that. And you know, if it’s feeling like above and beyond, there’s something to have a conversation about. How are you helping your child regulate their sleep pattern? I mean, we can go into the conversation about technology or sugar or stimulants or, know, all these strategies around light and other things. And
Robert Trout (23:45.692)
Yeah.
Paul (23:48.458)
Being able to be clear with your intention with your child so they don’t feel like you’re just all about restriction. Being able to educate them and create the space for, again, it to be a normalized family cultural experience for the wellness of you all.
Robert Trout (23:54.534)
Yeah.
Robert Trout (24:03.388)
Yes. Routine, routine, routine. This is not about restriction. It’s about building what they can expect and holding to what they can expect over and over and over again. And this, you know, we’re talking about tired. I know a lot of parents get tired because they feel like they’re holding the line over and over and over again. And I can’t stress this enough. Imagine your life.
Paul (24:24.436)
exhausted.
Robert Trout (24:32.316)
Without the line. That’s where a lot of families when they get to a level of crisis and they look back, there’s a reflective piece there where they go. I remember I was just too tired to care about that anymore. Whatever the technology to go into bed before 9 the whatever whatever the routine was, it got slacker and slacker and let go and let go and let go until there was nothing to fall back on other than.
consequences, punishments or restrictions or threats or whatever it might be. When in reality, the solution to that is to reorient back to a pattern and hold and hold and hold and it’s going to take time. And I’m sorry, it’s going to take time. So many parents want the quick fix and it’s just not possible. So you’re trying to work towards the structure and the boundaries in the process, including
allowing them to get enough sleep, good sleep, like all those things, but also for yourself. And yes, there is some sacrifice on the parent side where you might not get as much sleep as they do, but you’re fighting, you’re working to set the structure so that just regular life allows for this routine for everyone to be taken care of as much as possible within your circumstances and your family position.
And things like that. So when it comes to tired, I guess that’s one of the things I like to get into parents that are considering what to do is what did you start letting go of before this got worse? And that’s what we need to go back to and find those places because for them, for the kid and for you as parents, putting the structure in place so that you can have enough rest and enough time. And this isn’t just sleep, by the way, this is
Paul (26:15.128)
huh.
Robert Trout (26:29.936)
rest, meaning time with friends, time to sit and read a book, time to do something that’s self-care for you, and sleep, and eat well, and drink well, and do all the things that keep you healthy, keep your family healthy. The tired plays into all these elements going again all the way back to the basics. Are you eating? Are you drinking? Are you taking time to breathe in the silence? Are you meditating? Are you working out?
All of these basic human needs, all the way at the beginning of this conversation lead to the T, because the tired is, I think, the greatest thing our parents struggle with because they’ve reached a point of exhaustion trying to manage the mental or behavioral health of their kids, when in reality, it’s for themselves that they let that go and they need to fight their way back to take care of themselves as parents.
so then they can take care of their kids. It’s putting all these pieces together, but the T happens because you let the H go and the A go and the L go. You let all of it go until you’ve reached this point of utter exhaustion that I have so much sympathy for personally with the families that we try to support and guide them towards that place of like, okay, let’s build the structure that supports all of you.
Paul (27:59.648)
Yeah, I love that big picture lens and how important it is to develop that routine. And I also want to encourage you to be observant of the in the moment tired as well. Like bring it back to if your kid’s coming home from school and they are expressing exhaustion, whether it’s from a facial expression or body language, and you want to jump right into chores or right into homework. And it’s an uphill battle.
Robert Trout (28:28.636)
yeah.
Paul (28:29.038)
building in a decompression, building in this idea of rejuvenation. When they get home, give them water, give them a snack, give them an opportunity to just go lay down.
create some space for them to recharge. Their little nervous systems are just on high all the time with all the stimulation of culture, be it social stimulation, be it the stress of school and expectations of that. And then they come home to whatever that is, right? In its current state or the vision of the future, there’s more to be done. And so creating that space for them to feel held.
feel safe, feel like home is a respite. It’s not just another place where expectations are the priority. It’s about a place where I can rejuvenate. can take the time to slow down and recharge so I can engage my family in a good way for the rest of the evening or afternoon or shoot the weekend. Right? So.
Talk to your kids about that self-awareness of tired. Talk to your kids about the self-awareness of lonely, of anger, of hungry, of dehydration. It’s an educational piece and it’s a beautiful opportunity to like in the moment go, there something here that is like a more simple fix? So wrapping it all up, HALT is an acronym that we can use in the big picture and scale it to routine. And it’s a really great brief
Robert Trout (29:57.288)
That was it. That’s it.
Paul (30:06.34)
a value that is quick tool to assess and create actionable next steps.
Talk about this with your co-parent. Talk about it with your kids. Talk about it with your team, as Rob was suggesting. Develop a team. Like, what are you seeing at school? Or what are you seeing in my child’s friend’s family’s house? How are you seeing my kids show up or not? ultimately, furthering this conversation, because really, this is a value system piece. It’s a routine and understanding that, you know,
Robert Trout (30:23.314)
So, that’s it. That’s the end.
Robert Trout (30:28.968)
Thank you.
Paul (30:44.246)
I think you said it earlier Rob, we want to make sure that these are things that our children carry into adulthood in a healthy way. And really giving them the opportunity to understand the value of it right now. Right now, it’s not too late, right now. Plant the seed, stay connected to the process, have it be this thing of like we’re all in this together.
Robert Trout (30:58.15)
Yes.
Robert Trout (31:09.73)
Absolutely. And yeah, on that note, come find us at parenttrainers.com. Join one of our group trainings, meet other parents, join the community and have these conversations about what’s going on for you and for other parents and share ideas. You know, reach out and let us know what you’re going through.
