Robert Trout (00:01.812)
Hello and welcome to the Parenting Problems Today podcast. Today you have all three of us on the main team, Robert Trout, Paul Arradondo, and Mary Zahnbrecher from the Parent Trainers Community. And we’re coming to you to say happy holidays, which comes with some caveats because we’re here to discuss today some of the main things or themes or structures or ideas that come up for parents.
And this is from every age group. Okay. So if you’re out there and you have a teen, a tween, a young adult, whatever it might be, the holidays brings up a lot of stressors and situations that kind of drive patterns that we recognize for kids and families. So if you’re listening today, this conversation is for you to kind of preemptively set your plan.
understand some of the things that could be very helpful for you, but it’s really an outline of recognizing kind of what happens in the mental health field around supporting all individuals as we go through a holiday experience. And what I’ll do is start by just mentioning some of the basic factors that a lot of parents know, but let’s just talk about them for a minute. Some of the basic factors of holidays are
that life and situation changes, meaning that schedules deviate. Most people are off work. Most people are off from school. Kids don’t have any homework. All the siblings, especially if there’s older ones and younger ones, sometimes they come together. So now the living situation changes. There’s so many dynamic pieces that come into a holiday situation.
that as we kind of go through the conversation today, we want everyone to hold space for the idea that your situation is definitely unique. And we honor that. And the conversation today is just a thought point. What should you consider or think about or prepare for, which is where we usually come in with our families that are like, my God, I’m dreading, you know, the holiday that’s coming up and the question, well, why? Well,
Robert Trout (02:23.474)
to hear some of the patterns of what’s happened in the past. The reality is, is those patterns come out of kind of letting go of a lot of things because, it’s the holidays. And it’s amazing how many people like throw it to the wind. Like our lives are just, you know, whatever happens kind of happens during this holiday break. And the reality is, that as we step into solution oriented conversation, very often it’s about recognizing that it doesn’t have to be that way.
So a lot of parents that know or dread the holiday that’s coming, they’re the ones that can look at this and say, okay, what can I do differently this year to set the structure, pace, and kind of intervention strategies in motion even before the holiday so that everybody can get through this time period until we reach the place where life normalizes again. So we’re back at work, back at school, back in.
normal living situation, whatever that might be. So, Paul, Mary, let’s get kind of right into this. What would you two say are the first two, like, okay, here we go. Parents are going to ask about this thing, or I’m going to hear this theme in the conversation when we talk about the difficulties that we run into with mental health, kids, and holidays. What would you two say?
Paul (03:50.446)
I think the one that I hear most often is they have too much free time. And so then the knee-jerk reaction is to over schedule. And so I think this is something that we’re probably going to continue to bring up throughout this conversation, but recognizing that there is value depending on if they have diagnoses like ASD or ADHD or
just anxiety or trauma, that downtime is important. Them having an opportunity to recharge, especially if you’re talking about, as you said earlier, Rob, bringing a bunch of family members together. The value of them being able to go to the room and take space. So the free time, that would be the primary one that I continue to engage parents about.
Robert Trout (04:45.19)
Absolutely.
Mary (04:46.437)
Yeah, for me, it’s kind of along those same lines. It’s how do we create routine and structure without over scheduling, right? Without mom or dad or, you know, caretaker feeling like they are constantly on the move and constantly having to navigate, creating these like kind of scenarios with their kids and getting them out of the house. It’s how do we create a routine and a structure?
Robert Trout (04:54.292)
Mary (05:14.555)
that serves to kind of help regulate and keep us on track in terms of what the norm might be when we’re all in school and going to work and all of those things without necessarily feeling like they need to fill up the which I think also leads into screen time and the discussion around screen time.
Robert Trout (05:32.403)
Hmm.
Robert Trout (05:39.166)
Yep. Yeah, I, I’ll step kind of backwards in this conversation where very often this really comes down to a conversation with the parent saying, okay, when we look at the dread that’s coming up, it’s because you know, the amount of energy you as a parent are going to have to put into the family system to maintain any level of
status quo or kind of settling energy, it triples, sometimes quadruples. Like the amount of energy you have to put out during the holiday break as the parent, it’s going to get, I mean, just exponential. I can’t say that word today. It’s going to get so large because of
all the dynamics that are playing in to the situation that you’re in with your kids. And as the parent, it is that like, okay, let me ask you then, would you rather spend that energy over the next week, two weeks, whatever it might be, would you rather spend it in a reactionary battle or would you rather step up in the beginning and hold it as, okay, my job for the next two weeks is to be prepared
to hold the structure in line for those two weeks. It’s sometimes the same amount of energy, either way. The question is, is which way would you like to come at the situation? However, after doing this for so long with so many families, most families say that if they show up prepared and they spend that energy holding the line, the parent themselves feel less drained.
because it’s just maintaining what you built leading into it versus constantly being scared of what you’re going to have to quote unquote deal with next in the reactionary model of kind of parenting and looking at holding that structure. So when I hear what you two said, yeah, absolutely. And in a reactionary structure,
Robert Trout (07:49.5)
looking at things such as screen time or sugar intake or anything over the holidays that needs to be maintained, I always step back to, hold on, how can we set this up so that you can be prepared going in versus dreading and in a reactionary place during this holiday process? Thoughts on that? Like what comes up for you when you hear that?
Mary (08:13.283)
Yeah, I think what comes up for me as you’re saying these things is also creating the opportunity for your child to be prepared, right? This concept that we use called front loading, right? And being able to have a discussion with your child about, you know, what are what does downtime tend to feel like for you? Right? Is it boring? Is it exciting? Is it relaxing? Right? Having these conversations so that
your child can also feel like there’s some agency in maybe this plan and what they want to do. And they feel like they’re partnering with you or joining with you in trying to create some sort of kind of routine or ideas around what is feasible and what is not, what their options are when they feel overwhelmed or overstimulated, what their options are in terms of
seeing friends versus family, right? And just being able to start that conversation ahead of time to know and get a sense of even what your child tends to kind of frame the holidays as, right? Because every child is so different. Some are excited and some are full of dread, just like a parent, right? And so being able to get ahead of maybe some of those hiccups that can happen, right? And I’ve been talking with
Robert Trout (09:30.286)
Yes.
Mary (09:39.791)
a mom lately just about that? Like what happens when maybe my child gets stuck on a particular topic during a meal or begins to seem overstimulated and it’s getting louder and more pushy, right? How do we create a plan around allowing that child time and space from the large gathering? Because we know his pattern is if he is overstimulated.
that’s when those behaviors start to appear, right? And so really just setting the stage for, hey, this is how we want to support you. Does this feel like enough? Is there anything else? Right? And starting that conversation ahead of time.
Robert Trout (10:11.507)
Yes.
Robert Trout (10:22.45)
The ahead of time, I mean, we can’t stress that enough. This is not, okay, let’s back up into this concept. The teachable moment, right? If we step into that concept for the parents that’s listening, teachable moments occur before they’re needed. Okay, so if you know the holidays are stressful for you and your kid, we’re talking about months before starting the conversation and building in teaching opportunities around mindfulness.
taking deep breaths, taking space, whatever strategies your kid needs, having the trigger that the parent has developed the trigger in a positive way for the kid to recognize, I have the chance to leave right now and do this thing that takes care of me. And, you know, mom set it up for me. It’s like, right now is okay.
because they sometimes can’t put that together. If they’re already during this really big family event, there’s lots of people and the stimulation is off the charts, that’s not the moment to say, you know what might be helpful? No, no, no. Remember the things we’ve been practicing for the last three months? This is the moment. And they go, I know those things because they do know those things from all the moments that you plugged in beforehand. So this isn’t a, I should talk about it the day before.
Hey, that might be helpful for some kids, but we’re really talking about months, years of developing skills, especially for kids that are on that neurological side, right? The learning disabilities practices, Asperger’s, autism spectrum, all those kids, we’re really looking at the skill development being over the course of their life.
That’s really the category that that’s going to be so helpful for as we get into the actual holiday.
Paul (12:22.126)
Yeah, one of the things you also mentioned earlier was the recognition that routine is not available, right? And so again, somebody who maybe is on the spectrum, that transition is going to be disorienting, right? And so the routine is what they thrive on. I mean, we all do, right? Structure and routine helps us actually develop healthy patterns of living and being able to navigate one step to the next. And for them, being able to front load
Robert Trout (12:40.915)
Mm-hmm.
Paul (12:51.958)
You know, and have a conversation to set the stage for, Hey, know, Thanksgiving dinner. We usually do that a little earlier. Do you remember how we did that last year? You know, because if their routine is we eat dinner at six, what are we doing at four? Get it gathering at the table. I’m supposed to be playing video games right now. You know, being able to get out ahead of those moments where. Again, they’re probably going to push back or they’re probably going to go, wait, I don’t remember that. Right. Cause again.
Even if you just think about like a preteen or a teen, we should not expect even a neurotypical team to remember exactly the schedule of how you expect them to show up to make the cranberry sauce, right? Create the space for them to maybe receive the reminders, create the space for them to even claim a role for themselves even better, right? So when we’re talking about generating a plan, ultimately it is inclusive.
Robert Trout (13:36.03)
Right.
Robert Trout (13:45.906)
Yes.
Paul (13:51.234)
You know, it is a collaboration. It is an opportunity for everybody to come together. Like frame the holidays as this positive thing. Here’s a, here’s a shift, right? Like welcome the shift of, you know, the holidays being something that is a positive in uplifting an opportunity rather than a chore. Right. So it is about framing and setting the stage for them to maybe have some enthusiasm because again, they have a role or.
Mary (14:11.92)
you
Paul (14:19.928)
They’re looking forward to seeing their specific cousin or they’re inviting their friend for the first time. Right. So being able to help them feel investment, help them feel like they have, you know, the word you used earlier, Mary is agency. Bring their voice into it. You know, it’s an opportunity.
Mary (14:40.335)
Yeah, I’ve actually been working with a family whose daughter probably about a month or so ago, so September, October, actually requested to not join the holiday. And I think, you know, that’s something to consider as well in terms of agency. And when we as parents kind of have that first initial reaction, right, our loved ones is like,
Robert Trout (14:51.156)
Mhm.
Robert Trout (14:56.754)
Mm-hmm.
Mary (15:08.805)
my gosh, you don’t want to even do the holiday with us? But this child could name that it was actually so dysregulating to have so many people in a room and that they would really enjoy spending time with their relatives one-on-one in a different way throughout the week. And so it became a process of, yeah, stepping out of the norms for that family and those loved ones and the parents and allowing that child
the opportunity to see what happens when I do step out completely. Am I going to miss it? Is there a way that I wanna try something different next year, right? So that I can attend or is it really effective in taking care of myself?
Robert Trout (15:55.476)
You know, that brings up a very important conversation that goes both ways. Okay? So, parents, if you’re listening to this, here’s the thing. Traditions. Traditions are both part of the solution at times. They’re also part of the problem. Immense conflict in family systems, especially with a child or a teenager that’s going through a mental health process. They’re
bumping right up against those traditions where to them gathering with all 80 of their family, that’s the greatest nightmare they could have ever imagined for their internal world. But for the parents, they’re like, but that’s what you do. That’s what we do, right? That tradition is what that kid’s really fighting against. So if you’re a parent out there hearing this, here’s just a suggestion. Take your tradition
And I’ve had success with parents saying, like turning it where it’s like, okay, instead of tradition, that’s nostalgia. I remember how powerful, wonderful, or crazy, or whatever it is for me as a parent. The nostalgia is what I’ll carry forward with me before my child as an individual. I’m going to build something they will also enjoy.
So we’re going to dismantle this idea that we have to do the same thing every year, the exact same way, and turn that into something where it’s like, that was really wonderful for me, and I’ll still do some of those things that matter to me. But for my child, I need to individuate out and build something that they’ll remember as positive in the future, because I met them in that conversation about what that is. So be careful that tradition
isn’t something that is actually demanded. It’s not. Tradition is something we remember and say that’s important. So take tradition and move it over, but also recognize tradition as an opportunity to bond some kids that are, you know, they’re looking for that role, as Paul was just saying, for example. It’s like, well, I’m going to teach you to make turkey the way that your great-great-grandmother made turkey.
Robert Trout (18:17.97)
Right? Or stuffing or deviled eggs or whatever it might be. And then every year that job becomes this thing that they’re so proud of. And I’ve seen it in lots of families where kids, they carry on this tradition with such pride that they make the cheesecake. The family cheesecake. That’s a secret recipe, right? That was taught to them and that they take so seriously, but it builds in that role and that opportunity.
for them to have something that they’re moving into so that in the future, as they build a functioning life as an adult, this is something they can carry for themselves that can alleviate stress and anxiety because their job was to do this thing and they’re very good at it and they can manage it and it makes it a small, this is what we’re hoping for from you and can work with you on. So traditions can swing both ways and it’s something for parents to consider.
Does it need to be something that’s passed on or does it need to be something that gets translated into, that matters to me and I’m going to make something that’s important that they’ll remember me for in the future because I met them in their struggle for what is manageable for them depending on what’s going on in their life. Thoughts on that?
Paul (19:45.484)
No. Yeah, I’d say go for it, Rob. Move on. I think he nailed it. The silence tells all.
Robert Trout (19:45.78)
I’m right, then we can move on? Alright.
Mary (19:48.039)
No, yeah, you covered it really well. Yeah.
Robert Trout (19:52.806)
All right, great. Yeah, well, let’s kind of move into a section that comes off of that though, as we look at traditions, is this idea of realistic expectations as a parent. What comes up for that for you two that you’ve seen in conversations with families about setting realistic expectations for them as parents, first of all, but also recognizing where their kids at? What does that look like?
Paul (20:22.71)
Yeah, think Mary, you brought up something earlier around kids going into the holidays and having some preconceived notions about getting their needs met, whether it’s going and spending a bunch of time with their friends or going out and doing some sort of activity or having their uncle to themselves or what have you, right? And so being able to clarify what you would like your child to do.
and have the conversation about what they’re looking forward to, to ultimately then tailor the conversation towards yes and, and then gauge their what is realistic, what they’re invested in, what they might be resistant to. Approach the conversation with curiosity, because then it comes back to being able to…
project into the future, okay, here’s where we’re gonna have a sticking point. Here’s where there’s gonna be tension. And if you’re having these conversations with all of your kids and maybe even other family members about navigating the holidays, you’re gonna have a much better sense about, well, managing yourself, right? Because as you said really early on, Rob, it is exhausting, right? So coming back to what is realistic, it is about like,
Robert Trout (21:39.41)
Yes.
Paul (21:44.814)
Where is it worth it to put your energy? Where are you going to have to focus your energy? And for gosh sakes, where can you delegate? Because if your family’s around, your family’s around. Great. Don’t take full responsibility for these things. Create the space for relationships to bloom because you don’t have to be the answer. So there’s an opportunity there.
Robert Trout (21:54.932)
Mm-hmm.
Robert Trout (22:03.956)
with it.
Robert Trout (22:09.3)
And asking for help. Asking for help is a part of that. Breaking the tradition of I’m always the one that makes all the dinner. It’s like, okay, hold on, back up. But does it have to be that way? Asking for help in that delegation. That’s a hard family system conversation to have sometimes. Because someone’s got that like, but I’m the one that always. It’s like, okay, hold on.
Paul (22:14.143)
Exactly.
Paul (22:18.358)
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Yeah.
Robert Trout (22:35.73)
Let’s start opening that a little bit. There in lies the work.
Paul (22:35.99)
Yeah. Right. And it even boils down to deescalating your child who you know is going to have a fit because they’re overstimulated. Maybe their uncle can take them on a walk rather than you feeling like you’re the only one who can make that happen. Or their cousin can take them out to go shopping, to take a break and have an adventure. So being able to do these creative
interventions, right, to switch it up for the kids because again you’re out of routine. So get out of routine. Sometimes it’s good to lean into that a little bit especially when you have more resources around. So create the space for that creativity and the outside the box thinking.
Robert Trout (23:22.58)
Start a new tradition. Hear them.
Mary (23:22.757)
Yeah. Well, yeah, that’s what I was going to say. Yeah. A lot of times parents are dealing with the first time things have to be different or the first time that if things are different, things will be different. Right. And so we’re looking at breaking years of tradition and parents getting really comfortable getting uncomfortable. And so a lot of times what we’re looking at is
instead of begging your child or nagging your child or reminding your child, right? We’ve got steps to that, but reminding your child over and over and over to come down and help. Maybe the expectation is that your child sit upstairs and read a book instead of having to participate in the preparation, right? It’s thinking about how to actually appeal to what you need as a parent.
and also where your child is actually at. It doesn’t mean it’s gonna be this way forever. It doesn’t mean they’re never going to help again, right? But this year, where are our needs? And yeah, where can we delegate? Where can we defer? You know, a lot of parents in a two week period of, you know, time off from school, hire the tutor. Keep your kid engaged in those ways, right? Give yourself the break.
of having to feel like you’re the one scheduling or entertaining or doing everything all the time. So there’s a lot of creative ways to, yeah, for parents to support that expectation setting and looking at it from a different perspective in terms of outcome and connection and relationship. Because really holidays are all about connection and relationship and they very quickly become about other things in the midst of all the planning.
Paul (25:06.818)
Mm-hmm.
Robert Trout (25:16.222)
Well, conflict, right? I mean, the conflict usually centers on the idea that you’re trying to force everybody to be this thing. And there’s so much to be learned from the families that say, hey, we’re going to start our own traditions. We’re going to undo everything and start over as a whole family to build something that works for us so that it is enjoyable and manageable and whatever that might be. And
I here’s the reality to the conversation is, at least for me, I split these families into two categories. The first being the kids that are, you know, they have severe anxiety disorders, neurological processes that are going on, autism and hypersensitivity from different kind of processes that are happening. Those kids are in a lot of ways a lot more predictable because they’re the ones that you’re like, okay, we know they’re sensitive to noise. We know that they
kind of struggle with breaking routine or whatever it might be. So we can pretty clearly identify the struggles that are going to happen when you just throw the world and say, no school, no work, lots of people, like whatever. That category is very predictable in a lot of ways. Then we have the secondary category where these are the families that to me, they struggle the most. And that comes in where
It’s more of a family systems dynamic or kind of that parent-child relational issues that we see that families are kind of holding on to. Because sometimes that kid is just building up emotional tension, waiting for the right moment, right? Air quotes, the right moment to let it be known how they feel. And so it’s a lot more explosive and unpredictable about what that’s going to look like.
Now for that though, as we look at these two categories, I bring that up for any parent that’s listening because part of the job of the parent is going to be recognizing distress in any form on any side of this where you as the parent say, okay, we’ve seen things like this before, whether it’s predictable or a little less predictable to say, I’m going to be prepared for this moment because I can predict either category that is going to happen during these two weeks.
Robert Trout (27:37.768)
we’re going to have some of these moments and kind of process that’s going to need to be worked through in the two, three weeks or whatever the holiday period is going to be. So from that, it’s the parent saying, okay, my job is to help shift things and hold space, but also look for, look for the telltale signs that as the parent, they’re usually the masters at this. I can see him retreating into himself.
I know he didn’t like that. You know, grandma just said, I’m not like you can track that and rather than avoiding it or you know for me always Talking to the parent stop hoping that this time will be different It’s not gonna be different It’s looking and saying I can see where this is gonna go and I’ve prepared this is like up grandma just set him off
I’m going to take him, we’re going for a walk now, and I’m going to let him vent and scream and whatever he needs to at me as I go do this thing.” And that’s a strategy you put in place beforehand. But you’re reading the kind of signals during the process because you want to be there to create a safe avenue for the child and for the family.
to kind of separate and go through the experience of whatever is about to happen. What do y’all think about that?
Mary (29:09.989)
Yeah. What comes up for me is boundaries, right? And boundaries being just that plan that I have for when things do reach a level or cross a line, right? It’s not about trying to control grandma’s behavior or what she says or control uncle or, right, or manage or control an environment, but rather what am I willing to do in order to keep myself sane?
Robert Trout (29:14.185)
Yes.
Mary (29:39.719)
healthy, safe, right? And my child as well. If I’m that parent who does have to step in at some time, you know, or another and really kind of help to manage a situation, it’s that boundary of what we are going to do or what I am willing to do in those moments where the line is crossed or the overstimulation happens or, right? And to have that conversation with your co-parent, with…
Robert Trout (30:05.854)
Mm-hmm.
Mary (30:08.571)
you know, kind of all hands on deck in terms of if these things happen because they’ve happened in the past and we’re going to expect that they happen again, what are we willing to do? And what’s kind of the least disruptive thing to do or having the conversation with your child? What in that moment do they need from you to know that they’re safe and OK and that you’ve got them? Right. And if it’s man, I really still want to hang out with all my cousins, but I might need a break. Yeah, it’s.
Let’s go step outside. Let’s go for a walk. And if it’s, I get so triggered when so-and-so says this, right? It’s, hey, we’re actually probably just going to go home for the afternoon once we get to this point, right? And really being honest about what those markers are for your child and for yourself.
Paul (30:57.314)
I’d like to just stick into that last point that you made, just the recognition that, and I mean, this is coming out post-election time and there’s all sorts of things happening for so many of us and family systems are struggling in their own way in this regard. And of course, there are so many layers of life experience that when families come together, they get heightened, right? Disagreements come back up.
Robert Trout (31:23.539)
Hehe.
Paul (31:25.934)
Classic family dynamic, right? Old wounds start to get poked at. That is predictable, right? So you probably have a bullet point list of topics that you know should not be touched when your family comes together. And that is normal. That is normal for the majority of families. If you’re not one of those families, gosh, good on you. Count your blessings. And.
Robert Trout (31:44.084)
Thank
Paul (31:54.978)
There’s a recognition that there’s value in acknowledging those things before your extended family shows up. Talk to your kids about certain things that maybe you just don’t talk about or you don’t mention, or you don’t get hooked into or baited into the conversation. Like you were just saying, Mary, set some boundaries. Create some space to understand that walking away is okay. Self-care should be prioritized.
Right? Those things can be managed after the fact. It’s really about trying to not like feed into a dynamic that we know is not going to, you know, end up in a way where everybody can sit down and digest their food. So being able to understand that we’re all human, we all get triggered and giving everybody again, I’m going to go back to that word agency around what’s comfortable for them.
Robert Trout (32:24.606)
Mm-hmm.
Paul (32:52.694)
and create that space for them to claim that, claim that opportunity to walk away, claim that opportunity to take care of themselves.
Mary (33:01.037)
Absolutely. You know, just kind of piggybacking off of that as well is this idea of like, expect it to happen, right? Expect what has happened in the past to happen again. And if you are thinking ahead and preparing for those things and having these conversations, you know, this is where I think what lights up for me is this idea of self-care, right? How much nervous system regulation and toning and exercising am I doing?
Robert Trout (33:01.438)
and
Mary (33:29.925)
before I even step into this space that I know might be overwhelming or triggering. And so yeah, that self-care piece and making time for it, especially when you don’t feel like you have time, so that you can come from a place of values-based decisions and holding boundaries in an effective, consistent way rather than having the reaction, right?
Paul (33:54.486)
I love what you just said there, especially when you don’t feel like you have the time. That’s when there’s the big red flag of, I need to do more self care if I don’t feel like I have the time for self care. That’s especially the time to really focus in and make the space for it. And it’s really role modeling.
Mary (34:05.476)
Exactly.
Robert Trout (34:15.66)
It’s also bigger than self-care. The truth is that the holidays are difficult. And so many families forget that. Individuals forget that. It’s like, that was an overwhelming year. And then they go into the next year. And then it gets back around to the holidays. And they’re like, right. I have to do this again. Very often, I hear the language, I have to survive the holiday. Right?
Mary (34:42.267)
Mm-hmm.
Robert Trout (34:43.508)
That’s how basic it gets for some people. like, my god, I have to survive the next two weeks and then my life can go back to some kind of normalcy that feels manageable. So during that holiday is really the time where it’s not just self-care. It’s like build in the delegation. Don’t do it by yourself. Ask your neighbors for help, your kids’ friends for help. Plan play dates so that they’re gone all day.
and that you take their kids because guess what they want you to do that too right like share in the experience of the time is level one level two is getting into even more strategic planning around for example therapists and professionals that your kids might be working with or you might be working with go ahead and schedule a session
right before the holiday and right after the holiday. Just get it booked as soon as you can so that you’re sandwiching in this experience of a prep session and a debrief session so that you can kind of let go of what’s happened during that time and get reflective work done. Okay, so there’s these strategies about like, okay, I’m going to put in place the things that are going to help me during
before, during, and after the event that I feel like is going to be difficult for me. I can’t stress that enough. It’s all about that preparatory, like, here’s everything that’s going to be helpful for me, so that you don’t go into it feeling alone. And that happens for so many people.
Robert Trout (36:27.794)
Alright, let’s kind of close it out. Final thoughts of what you would have parents think about as they go into this holiday season.
Mary (36:42.875)
think the last thing to consider is just a plan around screen time and differentiating what types of screen time, you know, you’re looking at, like family movies together can be such a special tradition during the holidays, right? And that is different than, you know, sitting alone in your room on social media. And that is different than
Robert Trout (36:48.5)
Hmm.
Mary (37:10.887)
playing video games, right? And just inviting that conversation beforehand to set up norms or expectations around those things so that you’re not feeling like you’re policing all of your kids or each other during those times.
Paul (37:31.64)
thing that I’d add is be clear about what actually is urgent.
Robert Trout (37:41.054)
Hmm.
Paul (37:42.23)
because again, things get heightened during the holidays and especially when you have a mixing of personalities and all of this expectation and the energy around like a big meal or presents if we’re talking about Christmas or, you know, activities, there’s gonna be attachment to outcomes, right? And so then obviously there’s gonna be a tension to make things happen and it might come out of nowhere.
Right? It might be you, it might be somebody else grasping for that control. For yourself, recognize whether that feels urgent or not. And more often than not, I would say 99.9 % of the time, it’s not urgent. Because when we’re talking about urgency, we’re actually talking about physical safety. If people aren’t coming to blows, or nobody’s bleeding, or a bone is poking out, you’re doing great. If it’s emotional dysregulation,
that’s workable in all the ways that we’ve already talked about. So watch out for your reaction being a contributing factor to it getting bigger. So again, be clear. What’s urgent? What’s not urgent? And create the space to pause. Pause and pause and pause again.
Right? Deep breaths, encourage. You know, it might sound kitschy, but hey, let’s take a walk and do some deep breaths. You know, like be able to recognize just the, those simple practices. It’s sometimes it’s better to keep it simple. It’s like stupid simple, right? You don’t have to have this big elaborate plan if you can help everybody pause. Right? So it really is about slowing the moment down.
Often that’s the ticket.
Robert Trout (39:34.748)
My closing thought is the other side of that. Allow emotional expression for your wealth. Yeah. For yourself and for your kids. the holidays are a great time to take that learning moment and like, okay, I can tell that something’s going on for you. Let’s go somewhere and you let’s create a way to get it out. Don’t keep it in.
Paul (39:41.752)
Totally, but don’t get caught up in it, right?
Robert Trout (40:04.54)
let it out. The more you bottle it up, the more they bottle it up, the more likely the whole family system will explode at the same time. And that’s where we get the stories people talk about for years, but not necessarily the good stories. So just recognize holidays are hard. They bring up significant depression and anxiety and I mean thoughts and
and comparisons and all these things that come up during the holidays. Don’t hold them. Find a way to teach your kids and for you to practice letting it out, journaling, going out and screaming while you’re blasting music out your windows with cold air coming in, whatever it might be. Go get it out and make sure you’re teaching your kids how to do that.
Because guess what? They’re going to have to survive the holidays one day too, as an adult. Maybe as a parent, maybe not, but they need to learn how to do this. And holidays are a great teaching opportunity for recognizing, hey, you know that feeling you have? For me, I call that anxiety. For me, that’s frustration, or that’s whatever it might be, and showing them what to do with it.
how to work with it and developing that kind of process as parent-child. It’s an extremely important and memorable process for a lot of families.
So, this is kind of the parent trainer’s survival guide to the holidays, at least the beginning of a conversation about one. We hope this has been helpful and we hope that you all have a happy holiday season. As always, please feel free to come join us in our community to ask questions, receive support, and just kind of get the parent to parent and parent to professional connection that so many people need to…
Robert Trout (42:08.808)
to ride the holidays or make a plan for how to develop a relationship with their kids or to better understand the mental health struggles that your kids are having. So from parent trainers to all of you, happy holidays and we’ll see you in the future.
