Robert Trout (00:01.468)
Hello and welcome to the Parent Problems Today podcast where we jump into different, I’m gonna say scenarios and ideas and fights and all kinds of things that parents run into working with tweens, teens, and young adults and today you’re joined by myself Robert Trout and Paul Arredondo from the Parent Trainers team and today is gonna be
Feel little different than some of our other episodes maybe because today is more of a flow conversation Because it’s not a thing where we can say do this This isn’t a hey, here’s the target we’re shooting for today is an open conversation to parents about open-minded parenting and this topic is going to come from some recent conversations with families that we’ve had
that step into ideas mostly around older teenagers and young adults. And the reason for that is we are seeing an ever-rising crisis, an ever-rising fight, an ever-rising misunderstanding of generation to generation around the importance of a high school diploma, options, going to college or not going to college, what to do.
when you start to step from that phase of being a child to a young adult. So we’re really looking at this transition phase and a lot of the conflict points that start to naturally develop for families when the kid reaches this age because as we’re about to get into very often the kid has an opinion too. And sometimes this is the first time the parents
have to really like wait a minute but you are gonna graduate high school with honors and go to college and study this and then you’re gonna become a doctor or a dentist or what like the parents find that they actually have a script that they’re carrying with themselves that sometimes came from their family all the way through to the reality now that sometimes it’s running on autopilot
Paul (02:10.902)
Right.
Robert Trout (02:18.648)
And sometimes it’s been developed over years of hopes that your children will quote-unquote do better than you and the pressure of that that’s placed on this child is immense when it comes to anxiety disorders, depression, family conflict structures. Like all these things play a role in the conversation. So let’s get into it. And really today we just want to kind of flow Paul and I around
some of the things we’ve heard, some of the options people have stepped into, because again, there’s not one answer here. There’s a mode, and that mode is being open-minded. It’s stepping in as a conversation with curiosity and looking at and saying, what are all the options that exist today? Because that’s also a part of it. Parents sometimes have no idea what is possible for today’s generation.
and with technology and schooling options and different pay structures for different fields of study and things, it has to be an explorative conversation. So with that intro, I’m going to pass it over to you, Paul. First thoughts, where does this take you when we start seeing this in a family?
Paul (03:36.342)
Yeah, I just want to build upon what you just named, Rob, which is that a lot of parents don’t actually have an understanding of the landscape of what’s going on for kids and what’s available to them. And in fact, their teen or young adult probably knows better, probably knows more, probably has done the research, probably has been talking with their friends, probably. So it’s your job. It’s your job as a parent.
Robert Trout (03:58.182)
Probably. just said probably.
Paul (04:02.712)
to actually sit down and be curious and try and not be judgmental or snap into redirecting them back to your projected course, right? And so that idea of open-mindedness, as you said, Rob, it’s curiosity, it’s patience, it’s a little bit of wonder, know, like, hmm, what could that look like? Huh, what route would that be? Wow, that might be way easier for my child. That might be something that they’d actually enjoy.
Wow, they are expressing a lot of interest. Let me learn more about their perspective. And being able to sit with them and ask intelligent questions and just don’t take that first answer and be like, they don’t get it. Ask them more about where they got that information from, who are they talking to, how long have they been thinking about this, what are their alternatives, right? How are they wrapping their heads around this? And of course,
There’s that ever present like financial lens of things in the background. And maybe you talked to them about the budget of it all and where they think they’re going and what they believe their career path could be and where they think the hiccups and hurdles are. These are in depth conversation because you know, your kids in school right now, they’re gonna, you you’re continuing to be with them in this process. You can really encourage them and like, okay, I want to hear you out and just say, let’s take this a little slower.
You know, we don’t need to make a decision right now. You know, we have time to work through figuring out what feels good, what is realistic, how we want to pursue this, what are the potential, again, pitfalls and advances and so forth. And so that’s where I, you know, I think the conversation begins is curiosity and a willingness to hear everything from them. Watch out for snap judgments. Watch out for your own anxiety coming up.
because you might not understand it as much as your child does and that can feel like, God, I don’t know what this is, you know? And so you might have to educate yourself about it a little bit or sit down next to them on the computer and say, show me where you found that. I’m super curious about that. And again, not in a judgmental way, don’t be like, show me what you found. It’s more of like, hey, where’d that come from? That’s really interesting. Help me understand.
Robert Trout (06:25.893)
Yes.
Absolutely, and there are so many different elements of this conversation. I mean it’s endless So for any parent that’s listening only pieces of this will be relevant to you So please understand that this episode because it’s not targeted We’re just kind of throwing out everything we’ve run into and there’s there’s two main points that I would start with Okay, and this is coming from so many years of working with families that Like the family I was just talking to you this week. The kid is 16
Paul (06:45.708)
Mm-hmm.
Robert Trout (06:56.51)
And he his language is I just want to get my GED and get out You know because he knows and he is saying that’s not from a place of anger There’s not really a lot of emotion tied up in it
He just in his statement, it was very much, know I’m not built for school. I am built for the trades and I’m really excited to go be a plumber or electrician or something like this. And it was interesting because the parent in this, could see them tense up when they said that.
And there and when we stepped into that conversation, the parents like, well, they don’t make any money and you pull up the average income for a plumber, for example. And it was like $150,000 a year. The parent went, what? That’s more than I make. And it’s like, yeah, you’re thinking 25 years ago. Like it’s literally sometimes pulling the parent, pulling them from the past to the present.
Paul (07:51.447)
huh.
Robert Trout (07:57.882)
Because we have these ingrained notions of what like somebody is going to be able to make or the education level or what it means for the family or all these judgments that certain individuals have on certain things.
Paul (07:58.029)
Right.
Paul (08:05.499)
huh.
Robert Trout (08:13.556)
And it’s about deconstructing those judgments and allowing it and saying listen you’re worried about your kid having a good life But let’s look at the job statistics and the income ratios and all the things that they can do if they do do these things And sometimes that’s all it takes To break your parent out. And again, this is another one of those like let’s break the parent out not the kid
The kid has an idea. They have a goal. They’re motivated in all of this. But it’s also that conversation where the parent goes, but it really matters that you get your high school diploma. Honestly, there are so many opinions about that right now that it’s kind of a well, if he’s 16 gets his GED, it actually gives him a leg up to start on his journeyman journey in a trade school earlier, if that’s possible where you live. Again, it’s the research.
Paul (08:36.685)
Alright.
Paul (08:51.184)
nah.
Robert Trout (09:05.254)
How can we set them up for the greatest success in the career they do want to build and they’re motivated for? Because there is that golden rule kind of that if you stagnate them long enough, they might lose that motivation and we’ve seen that over and over again because a kid was forced and I need parents to hear that they were forced
Paul (09:25.934)
dozens of times.
Robert Trout (09:33.092)
to do something like the high school diploma just an example they were forced to do this because it mattered so much but by the time they were done they had started smoking pot or doing drugs or made new friends that took them in a whole different direction where the line of study they were interested in has lost its momentum in the life that they could have had
Versus the possibility of things that might open now. I’m not saying that’s gonna happen I’m saying that’s a possibility of the stagnation factor in this So for me, I always step into that golden rule if there’s motivation use it if there is motivation in a teenager Use it. I don’t care what direction it’s going you encourage motivation Especially if it’s leaning towards launching as a young adult
independence from you and being financially stable and having all these key elements of being a functioning adult that society is looking for or you as parents are hoping for in that dynamic.
Number one is kind of looking at that element. Number two is looking at the timeline Okay, and I can’t say this enough and paul pass it to you after this because number two for me is hey parents They don’t have to go to college right after high school That’s it Hear that they don’t have to this is something that was drilled into society. It’s like the way to do it
But it’s not true. I will stand on the soapbox and scream to the heavens, they don’t have to go straight to college. That’s not true.
Robert Trout (11:19.196)
They can take some time to go to trade school, go learn something they want to study that they’re interested in, that they want to do a gap year program and travel a little bit and learn more about themselves, et cetera. In fact, statistically, someone that takes that breath and kind of really thinks about what they do want to do because now that they’re done with high school, they’re 18, 19, et cetera.
There is that moment to say, I get a choice now. I get to develop myself into an adult with a life I want.
What we’ve seen statistically there is a lot of kids kids that go from high school straight into college these days We’re seeing that like they never actually grow up at all in that transition It’s just school to school and they think they’re still that senior in high school during their freshman year and we see a lot of the developing patterns of partying and negative socialization and just taking for granted that I don’t have to go to class today because they’re
that freedom also when you get to that level of college. So we see a lot of struggles that start to happen and families are like, don’t get it. Why isn’t he being a good college student? Because he never grew up. She never grew up. There was never a transition of being honored in that process. So the timeline doesn’t matter. To you Paul.
Paul (12:23.562)
Amen.
Paul (12:47.566)
Yeah, I mean I’ll build upon that last point again and what you’re saying Rob in that recognition that a lot of these kids aren’t being given the life’s experience or maybe the lessons or the I mean, geez in the most basic of scenarios the understanding of how to structure their day for themselves for wellness and when you think about a kid who’s motivated to like get their GED man that is I mean
Nine times out of 10, from my experience, that’s been the kid who is so self-motivated that they’re like, yeah, I found the GED program. It’s at the junior college. I can go there on these days. I can get it done by this timeframe. I’m willing to like do this, that, and the other, and they’re structuring themselves. Whereas that kid who’s in high school, the parents, you know, with the best of intention is structuring them and they don’t have that learned life experience of how to take things on for themselves.
And as you said, Rob, they derailed themselves going to college with the lack of that internal compass. So being able to give them an opportunity, you know, quite honestly, even if the GED aspect thing fails, there’s, can put them back in high school. It’s kind of what you were saying, Rob, like, hey, they don’t have to go straight to college. They can go back to high school. You know, there are.
Robert Trout (13:50.8)
Yes.
Robert Trout (14:07.676)
No? Yes.
Paul (14:11.4)
ways to again, pick up your kid and say, well, that was an interesting lesson. Let’s step back in. You know, okay, that was also an interesting learning. What did you learn? What was that like for you? Where do you feel like you misstepped? What were the boundaries that you just could not get yourself to like ghetto across? And ultimately, again, this is all about life experience. This is all about giving your child the opportunity to
prove themselves and take a next step for themselves. That’s what we hope for any kid is that they start to parent themselves. They make decisions for themselves. And you know, a lot of parents struggle with that because they’re like, my kid’s too immature. They don’t know what they’re getting themselves into. They’re not sure how they’re yet. They just haven’t sat down with their kid and again, listen to them.
Robert Trout (15:03.834)
Yes, and in that listening, let me just say this and I know this is one of the most controversial things I’ve ever said to a parent. Some kids at 16, they’re right.
Paul (15:05.229)
So.
Robert Trout (15:23.452)
They’re right. They get it. They know. They’re right and you’re wrong.
So when we do this episode on open-minded parenting that 16 year old is a gift from the gods Okay, because you as a parent are saying my god, what do you mean? You’re not gonna finish high school
Paul (15:44.866)
Ha
Robert Trout (15:52.904)
And I can’t tell you, mean, God, we’ve had how many over the years? Hundreds at this point of families of young adults who are in failure to launch. Right? Like that scenario is something that parents, they’re either uneducated about it or they don’t want to think about it or they’re just naive and think my kid will be fine. But.
Paul (16:03.278)
Okay.
Robert Trout (16:17.882)
their kids, those parents are in a scenario where they’re saying, my God, how do I get them motivated? How do I get them to move out of my house? How do I get them to hold a job? How do I, et cetera. And that’s the mirror I want to hold up to the family with a 16 year old going, I’m gonna be in trade school. This is what I’m passionate about and I wanna do and I wanna study and I wanna build my own practice and I’m gonna own my first house by this age and retire by this age and.
my God, hug that kid and say, I’m so happy that you have this energy. Because that is like winning the lottery in so many cases. And then we swing from that to the opposite side of this conversation where in open-minded parenting, we look at the, you have a kid that they did go to college and it didn’t work. Well.
I’m gonna put it in the 80 % of families that are doing coaching with me or you or any of our team that are getting into this young adult thing. They always throw in returning to college. Right? It’s like the kid went to college, they failed out, they’re at home living in my basement, they need to get a job and they need to do this and they need to do this and this and this and then go back to college.
The number of times that we have to be, think that that little bit of a hammer in that conversation is forget college. OK, it’s not about college. It’s about figuring out what motivates this individual. What inspires this individual on an individual level? Not what they’re told to do, not what you think they should become. None of that is relevant. You need to throw it out because it’s garbage. Break it.
Throw it out. It is complete and total garbage. And that’s where we start building in the like, go try things. That’s really step one. Get this kid, this 18, 19, 25, 25 year old living life.
Robert Trout (18:22.768)
They need to travel, meet people, do the gap year, go to trade school, learn all these things. And that’s where I think we see the most significant success is eventually they catch onto this thing. And I’ve had young adults that we’ve worked with their parents that eventually when the parent let go of things, the kids started to be like, well,
What I really want to do is work in recovery because I’m a recovering addict. Great. Then go be a mentor, helper, start there. And then 10 years later, they will go to college and get their degree and become a therapist. That’s just an example. Then we move into the trades where I’ve got lots of young adults who my favorite is a kid that went to blacksmithing school. And he’s doing really well as a blacksmith. Another one that started working with horses and he does horseshoe work.
runs a huge business that he started doing that. Like all these different success stories where the parents let go of the mentality of what the correct steps and path and timeline are and they just moved and supported that kid into try this, try this, try this, try this, click.
This one is the one where there’s passion, inspiration, creativity, all of these things, whatever the magic formula is. And here’s the key, that magic formula, different for every person.
Paul (19:49.23)
Yep. I think there’s something also to be said for giving your kid the opportunity, and we said this upfront, to have some life experience. Just a job. Work at a burger joint. some, you know, flip some burgers, make some pizzas, you know, work at a restaurant, work in retail, do something that like gives them an opportunity to see what it means to earn money. Feel what it’s like to have to make a budget.
Robert Trout (19:59.206)
Yes.
Paul (20:17.73)
have the opportunity to live a lifestyle of a nine to five or whatever their work schedule may be, and ultimately make a decision of whether that’s what they wanna do moving forward or not. Because there have been a lot of folks also who have gotten into retail and they’re like, I could see myself working towards being a manager. And then that’s their path. And they didn’t need a college degree for that. They’re doing on the job professional training. So.
Ultimately, when it comes to creating space for your child, really what we’re talking about is be curious and trust that the life experience that they’re stepping into is going to teach them and help them figure out who they are going to be. Because ultimately, your dream of them being a doctor, a lawyer, a dentist, whatever like that,
that’s yours. You can put that on the mantle and they’re going to walk by and knock it off. And then you’re going to pick up the pieces and glue it back together and put it back on the mantle. And they’re going to look at it with a side eye, walk over and go, that’s not me, and knock it off. And you’re going to hold and grip and just like plead with them and trying to hook them into your vision of who you believe in, you, you know them to be. And ultimately they’re going to become who they want to become.
Robert Trout (21:17.414)
Yeah.
Paul (21:40.568)
They’re going to become who they’re meant to become. And you can guide them and you can support them and you can stay curious with them and you can encourage them and be the loving, supportive parent of an adult. Or you can get into an embattled process where we run into a lot of families when they’re trying to parent a child. They’re still parenting children rather than parenting teens or young adults. So
It is a shift in mindset for parents to create the space to trust that their child has learned something about themselves and they’ve learned something about the world that they can actually take a good next step and make a decision for themselves. And again, it’s a leap of faith and it’s recoverable no matter what the outcome. It’s recoverable.
Robert Trout (22:37.434)
Yeah, there’s always the next option Like don’t lose hope be creative. That’s what this is So this could go in like a thousand tangents, so i’m going to try to rein myself in a little bit And maybe lead us towards the close of this episode because really
Paul (22:40.204)
Mm-hmm. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Yeah.
Robert Trout (22:56.004)
I just want parents to hear this, like stay open-minded, let go of your own story and move towards motivation and inspiration for your kid, no matter their age, okay? But there is one really developed skill that I step into with parents that…
Paul (23:06.062)
Thank
Robert Trout (23:14.326)
opens the conversation very often with teens and young adults for the parent and this is the and Conversation. Okay. So this skill has developed over years of really getting a parent to step into the process of saying Okay, I hear that you want to be a rich youtuber Great, right
Your child is motivated. They want to be on YouTube and start their channel and be the next Mr. Beast. OK, great. In the creativity conversation, the motivation conversation, that’s wonderful that your kid is inspired by Mr. Beast or anyone else, like from all these online influencers, et cetera. They have inspiration. And I would step back and what I said earlier, use it, use it, use it, use it.
Paul (24:07.608)
Thank
Robert Trout (24:08.764)
The way that you turn this into a parenting skill is the and Conversation where you go. Okay. I hear that’s what you want to be. That’s great I will support you in your kind of journey of figuring out what that would look like for you like I’ll buy your first camera set for you to do your videos to put on YouTube to try to develop a channel and learn how to do that and etc and
You’re still gonna go to high school and go to classes and all these things so you can work on this after school And I’ll buy your camera. Do we have an agreement on that right? So it’s this and this Because the conflict factor that parents step into is often that that’s so stupid You know only five percent of people ever make any money from that lava like you throw statistics and logic and like
Basically, you’re stuffing out their dream. You’re killing the motivation they have from their inspiration Now here’s the deal your kid might be one of those 5 % If you encourage that it develops them to try the channel learn the mechanics of it do the camera work
build the structure of like, how do they do it? Then they research all these YouTubers and famous people, et cetera. And they’re motivated because they’re learning.
They’re learning something they’re really into and that’s what’s really cool is that a year later they go actually I’m not that great at content creation, but I’m really good at the like algorithm stuff on the Facebook and Instagram and all that kind of stuff and that’s the career they step into because they learned and motivated and figured out how to build a career out of the parts that they were really good at.
Paul (25:47.896)
Thank you.
Robert Trout (26:00.388)
So they failed at their task at hand, but they developed new skills and process because you supported them. And they still went to high school. They still did whatever it is you’re looking for them to do.
So you support them by tying it to the process of saying, OK, we’re not going to throw all of our eggs in this one basket. It’s an and scenario. So if you meet me in that, that we both get the, OK, in the beginning, this is an and. Do this and this. And if this suddenly makes you a million dollars, then you don’t have to do that. Right?
Like you can tie things together without trying to smother their dream, their goal, their motivation, which is where I will always be on my soapbox screaming, if there’s motivation, there’s hope. Use it, don’t kill it. Use that motivation. That’s something I think parents have to start to wake up to.
And that’s my last rant. Paul, what do you got?
Paul (27:08.174)
I think this episode I just continue to build on what you’ve said in that sense of the and conversation because a lot of the parents that I’ve talked to are concerned that their child is just sitting in their room or their child is not being social or their child is putting all their eggs in one basket and being able to have that and conversation can also include
The idea of prioritizing life and work balance, because those are also lessons that these kids need to understand. Being able to recognize that health matters, whether you’re talking about diet or exercise or going and touching grass, seeing some sunlight every now and again. Being able to have that calm, cool, collected, rational conversation with them actually starts.
with you listening first. So it’s that classic thing of why would I listen to you if you’re not listening to me? You are the fully developed brain in the conversation. Your child is probably at the beginning of it, having an emotional conversation rather than a practical conversation, which is distinctly two different types of communication. Start out with validation to support them in slowing down in that conversation to then
switch it into the practical. So it will take a little bit of time. And again, as I said earlier, don’t need to rush it, don’t need to push pull. It’s about being with them in their process and recognizing that and conversation can actually develop relationship. It can support them in feeling held and safe and ultimately figuring out what their next step is.
Robert Trout (29:04.188)
So I guess as we close this episode, I’m just going to throw out a couple key points to the parent that’s listening and made it through this whole episode with us. Take a breath, step back. Don’t kill. Support any motivation you find. Motivation is one of the key factors to open-minded parenting. It’s really about being
curious, supportive, and tying things together over time. You don’t know what your kid’s going to be as much as you want them to be one thing. You don’t know what they’re going to be. So open your curiosity to watch what they succeed at and what they don’t succeed at and be there in both scenarios, success and unsuccessful and really hone in.
Tone in on your judgments and allow them to become something even if you don’t want them to be that. We’re looking at them developing into who they can be, not who you wished they would be.
hope this has been a helpful episode. Come find us at parenttrainers.com, get some coaching and some supportive training and processes that can be developed for you and your family individually. We look forward to meeting you there.
