Robert Trout (00:01.442)
Hello and welcome to the Parent Problems Today podcast. I am your host today. My name is Robert Trout and I’m with Mary Zahnbraker and Paul Arradondo, all from the Parent Trainers team. We’re coming to you today to drop into a conversation about a transition that we have created, but on a broader topic, looking at parents and the importance of parents finding other parents in community in order to find methods of
support for your process as a parent struggling with your tween teen or young adult. So we’re going to drop into this conversation because it comes from two different directions for us. One is people who have asked why we have moved towards building a community as part of our model for parents to be able to talk with each other and connect. And then looking at a broader topic as to things that we’ve worked with our families on over many, many years.
Mary (00:48.265)
you
Robert Trout (01:00.684)
to help them find these groups or establish groups or find some level of support for themselves. And I’m gonna put this in at the very beginning outside of the home. Very often the trap for a parent in a situation where they’re tween, teen or young adult is struggling, the trap is that they feel like they have to either hide what’s happening and keep it within only the family system in order to contain it.
for some reason, and there’s a lot of reasons that people do that. Everything from how they learned in their family system when they were a child, how to handle this, to peer pressure and cultural kind of constructs around, well, I need to be seen as having it all together, or as a good parent, or, you know, our problems are our problems, kind of mentality that comes up very often. However, those things usually lead to some kind of breakdown.
or meltdown in the family system because guess what? Humans need humans. We just do. So if you’re a parent and you’re struggling and you are starting to have those thoughts such as I’m alone, I’m the worst parent in the world, I’m the only one with this problem, my kid is struggling and I don’t know what to do but I can’t ask anyone, these senses of loneliness and sadness and depression break into the mental cycles of the
parents very often in the family system. So we’re going to talk about this and kind of look at it from all different angles and I’m going to just pass it off to you two right off the bat with this like big view. When we look at parent support, what are things that you both have seen over the years that parents kind of step into that becomes supportive for them? That help them find like-minded individuals or just space?
from what’s happening in the family system.
Paul (03:04.108)
All right, I’ll jump in. You know, I think the low hanging fruit to answer that question, Rob, is social media, because it isn’t so weighted. Like you said, sometimes culturally we sort of withdraw and we don’t engage outside of our family system. And so seeking that at least that understanding that you’re not alone through.
Mary (03:04.151)
Thanks. Yeah, go ahead.
Robert Trout (03:05.715)
Hahaha
Paul (03:28.406)
recognizing through social media, like searching out different styles of parenting or parenting groups in different platforms and understanding that there are so many people out there that are experiencing the same challenges. So creating the space to just not feel so alone by…
contextually understanding that like, this is a common issue. You my child is not a one-off. I’m not a one-off. And so I think that’s, those are my initial thoughts. Mary, how about you?
Mary (04:01.774)
Yeah, I was just kind of thinking of like the gamut kind of starting with social media being the most indirect way of kind of engaging with others all the way up to, you know, parent support groups that you’re actually part of weekly, you know, we offer and other organizations offer. And just thinking about who in the community can also be a source of support for your
child, your children, yourself, and your co-parent.
Paul (04:37.57)
Yeah, I think often about like church groups, right? Or especially if your family has challenges with addiction like Al-Anon, right? So creating the space to understand that there are groups that are, again, having the conversations that you’re hoping to have and creating space for you to, again, understand what other people are doing, understand what your options are, creating the conversation to, again,
open the door to creativity and addressing what you’re really struggling with.
Robert Trout (05:14.492)
So I want to step right into the heart of this subject which is for every parent listening to this You can’t do it alone I’ve never met a single parent that is in a crisis situation with their tween teen or young adult that had all of the energy all of the answers and capabilities and financial resources whatever it might be to support their loved one
Paul (05:23.502)
I’m
Robert Trout (05:41.644)
when that loved one is going through a mental or behavioral health challenge. It’s just, it’s not something where it’s like, I have to do this. It very much becomes a, you can direct a process to support your child. Absolutely. And there’s a reality to this that it’s going to be that tribal, that community, that process of building a team that we talk about all the time on podcasts and in our
Paul (05:49.485)
Mm-hmm.
Robert Trout (06:11.416)
community, building a team is such an important component of supporting a mental health process because, let’s just be honest, they’re not short term. Okay, I need everyone to hear that. What’s happening for your child and your family system is not going to be solved in a week. That’s heart wrenching for most parents because they want to solve this. They want to go back to simpler times or
Paul (06:38.456)
Mm-hmm.
Robert Trout (06:41.174)
you know, get their kid back because they’re remembering a version of them that was more manageable versus looking at where they’re developing into in the process of the struggle that they’re having. So at the heart of this is an understanding of the parent opening up and saying, I need help. Yeah, your kid needs help. We hear that all the time. Help my kid. My kid needs help. It’s like, okay, hold on back up. A part of helping your kid.
is helping you. It just is. Because you’re the parent, you’re the one that, you know, we’re trying to get that relationship built with, the safety built with, the connection built with for the long game that’s gonna be played in this process of supporting and educating and training your child to become, hopefully, right, hopefully, self-sufficient as a young adult moving into their life. Because they’ve learned from you and others.
Paul (07:20.129)
Hmm.
Robert Trout (07:40.822)
how to be a functional self. Watching, modeling, learning, support groups, classes, et cetera, but not just for them, we’re talking about you. So for the parent, when I look at this on a broader scale, there’s that reality check of saying, you’re gonna need people. How do we do that?
Okay, and sometimes it’s outside the box because you both talked about like in-person parenting groups. I know local schools that have parent support groups that they’ve started because they want that community to acknowledge that some kids are struggling or just parent education because there’s this element of like, well, that kid keeps doing this. And it’s like, what? That kid has autism. well, what’s autism, right? So there’s education and there’s like skill development.
Paul (08:15.832)
right?
Paul (08:23.32)
Mm-hmm.
Robert Trout (08:33.72)
Hopefully, and good programs to me, skill development is where we’re looking towards that, okay, here’s how you can appropriately interact with what you’re witnessing and what your child is witnessing from other kids, for example, and help them integrate into a place of they do this, I do this, they do this, I do this, and it’s that function. But leading from that all the way into you may not have access to a parenting group. So.
I’ve opened it up outside the box where I have plenty of parents who have started going to breath work classes or meditation classes or yoga classes or joining like a men’s group or a women’s group or etc. So it’s not specific in those circumstances and those are just some examples. It’s not like, this is a parent group that’s doing yoga. Those actually exist, but maybe not where you live.
Paul (09:10.187)
You
Robert Trout (09:31.798)
So, it’s like, okay, go somewhere and don’t just do the activity. Engage and start meeting people because here’s the funny thing is you’re definitely not alone. So, if you can go and engage and find other people, you’re going to find other parents in that larger group. And if you can build friendship and rapport and connection even at its most basic level,
and there starts to be a level of care, like, hey, I know you and we come over for dinner and, you know, there’s engagement back and forth, then you’ve built a support by having a relationship that eventually you can look at and say, can I ask your advice about something? Have you ever heard about this? Right? So you start small and work big, but it’s all about connection at its basic form from a larger view looking in on
building supports for yourself. Pass that off. What thoughts come up as I kind of step into that realm?
Paul (10:35.936)
Yeah, I see that with parents when I often have this conversation, we step up against the barriers of, I don’t have enough time, or I don’t have the energy, or if I leave the house, who knows what’s gonna happen. So being able to understand that, as you said earlier, Rob, when you do good self care, it actually is then rippling into your child’s life. Creating the space for your own wellness is
modeling, right? Creating the space for your own sense of stability actually generates more capacity to be with your child. So when it comes to understanding what your next step with your child is, sometimes you just need to have a clear mind to be able to make that decision. know, whether you get support or not from outside, like you stabilizing yourself creates more bandwidth, right? So being able to show up for yourself creates space for your child.
Create space for them to feel safer, as you said earlier, Rob. So when it comes to engaging outside of the home, like you said, a yoga class, breath work class, cycle, whatever it is, know, cruise, swimming, who knows? It is that thing of, you know, working with your own internal compass and finding your own wellness practices. And, you know, have that conversation with your partner or your co-parent.
Robert Trout (11:44.556)
Haha
Paul (12:01.388)
Right? Because they’re your primary support system. Right? If we were to take a huge step back and think about like, what does support look like? What does community look like? It’s right there in your home with your partner. You know, make sure you’re having the conversations with your partner to be able to then create the space to go out and venture into the world.
get the support you need and have the conversations that are challenging and push your edges a little bit to ask the question of somebody maybe you’re newly engaged with of, this is my challenge or I’m having this experience or hey, do you know the support group or, know, that’s edgy for a lot of parents. So being able to just slow down enough to even think about, man, do I want to touch that? Like that in itself is a process.
Mary (12:40.103)
and
Paul (12:49.098)
So we want to acknowledge the challenge and what we’re putting in front of you in this conversation, as well as create the space to gift you the idea of this builds into something bigger. This is the long game. The seeds you plant now in terms of building community bear fruit in the future. So it’s not.
Mary (12:49.262)
Yeah.
Paul (13:14.22)
three days from now, a week from now, even a month from now. We’re talking years down the line. Right? So recognize that the change you’re making now is for the relationship of your adult child as they develop. Right? So again, self-care is modeling. And so, yeah, I’d be curious, Mary, anything you’d like to add to that?
Mary (13:38.152)
Yeah, absolutely. Whenever I think of what you’re talking about, Paul, I think about like recharging a battery, right, or increasing bandwidth. And it does feel daunting for a lot of people, I think, to just go out and maybe, you know, join a support group, right, and walk in alone. And so the thoughts that I have about that are, you know, grab a friend to go with you. And
Robert Trout (13:40.065)
ever.
Mary (14:08.088)
start small, start at something you’re comfortable with, or if you’re already participating in things like a sewing group or a music group that gets together and plays music or something like that, thinking about how can I expand those relationships to become that support? Or can I start with something that feels less big and develop those, like you said, planting those seeds?
so that I can develop relationships that in the long run are trusting and to foster my self-care. And I know for a lot of families that I’ve worked with, actually there’s single parent households. I’ve actually worked with that single parent and her best friend, right? And maybe the daughter and then the daughter’s husband, right?
Robert Trout (14:54.018)
That’s That’s it. All right.
Mary (15:05.934)
So there’s all sorts of ways to think about who our primary support group can be that maybe we’re not utilizing. Yeah, to bring those people in.
Robert Trout (15:19.414)
Yep, absolutely. And for anyone that’s listening to this, I feel like it’s important that we talk about two subjects within this topic. One, how do you know you have a good support group as a parent? And two, what’s missing from support groups? So.
I’m going to step into what we do a little bit right now and talk about that second one first. What’s missing from support groups very often is the skill development of getting, I’m going to say, solution-oriented processes. So a lot of support groups, and this is not a negative. I want everyone to hear that. I’m not talking bad about support groups.
I’m just saying that a lot, a lot, a lot of the energy and time within support groups is taken up by holding space for venting. Parents that have bottled energy up and they just need to talk about how hard everything is. And that is so important to have on one level, to have a safe space to admit things are hard and be held in that hardness without judgment.
Paul (16:44.302)
Mm-hmm.
Robert Trout (16:44.886)
Report groups are amazing for that. What’s missing from that is then the second step towards learning and education so that things can become less hard for you at home with your child that’s struggling. And for us, that’s where we got to the parent trainers community, where we have our site where parents come in and
They have those group coaching sessions and live events and trainings with us. Online videos they can watch like all the things that we offer. And yes, this is a little bit of a plug. Parents, you need the event, you also need the place to learn. And that’s where sites like us and maybe others are moving towards is this education platform where you can have your feelings. Those are important.
The question that we’re asking is, is would you like to change what’s happening at home? And if the answer to that is yes, then you’re moving from the place of having emotion about what’s happening towards the place of saying, I’m going to do something about it. And that’s what’s always missing from support groups for me. And part of the reason that we’ve worked so hard to build this out for families to come and
Find us and have that facilitated process where they are still parent to parent and can talk with each other and share stories and offer advice or Direction or other thoughts or whatever we want to look at but we’re trying to be very careful about like one answer is not the answer It’s okay vent Look get some ideas and then do the like for example for us one-on-one coaching where it’s like we get to know you your kid your circumstance
Paul (18:24.078)
Right.
Robert Trout (18:35.51)
and you build your strategy, your intervention and your plan for short term and long term so that you can take what you’ve learned and start facilitating it towards change so that your life gets easier, your relationship gets better with your child, you have a better understanding of how to interact with the mental health process, all those things. That’s what’s always been missing. Pass that off to you too. What comes up like the things that are missing from support groups for families?
Mary (19:04.962)
Yeah, a lot of times when I initially working with families, they say, you know, I’ve just had so many people’s opinions about what I should do. And I’m either a trying them all or B none of them seem to fit for me. Right. Or, yeah, our children’s struggles, our co-parent struggles are not the same. Right. And that’s where I think that
community support is absolutely important and where it kind of hits that fork in the road, right? Where, yeah, parents really say, if I would have known sooner, or if only I would have done this differently sooner, right? When they’re working with us just in terms of what skills make sense for the things that their family is facing, you know, on a day-to-day basis, not necessarily just…
let’s try to grin and bear it, right? But what can I actually shape differently in the day to day in my communication with my child and how I co-parent and how I take care of myself that will ultimately bring about so many changes.
Paul (20:22.614)
Yeah, I think what I’d also add to that is, you know, the thing that can often be missing is acknowledgement that every family has their own culture, you know, and I think it was said earlier, there’s no one answer, right? And so it’s a creative endeavor. It’s a constant process. It’s good to have feedback. It’s good to have reflection. It’s good to have dialogue. you know,
how do we continue to be curious? And so maybe having somebody push your edge a little bit, hold you accountable a little bit, encourage you to be more self-reflective. What’s yours to own? Because oftentimes these parent groups are like the kid, the kid, the kid, the kid. And so being able to understand the family system.
right, and understand the reflection of like, hey, we all have a part in this. And actually your part in the change you make creates such a benefit for your child, for your family system. So yeah, I think that’s one of the things that we love about the work that we do is creating the space for the parents to understand that their growth is actually the path for their child’s wellness.
Robert Trout (21:43.478)
Yep. So I’m going to use that as a stepping stone into the first category, which is how do you know you’re in a good support group? Right. Because for me, I’ve heard from a lot of parents like, I’ve been a member of this group for so long, but God, I feel so drained after I go. Statements like that. And it’s like, OK, let’s talk about, I’m going to say it’s a golden rule.
that parents can understand as humans, it’s okay to outgrow your group. It is honestly at times necessary to outgrow your group because you join something, you learn what you can from that group and then at a certain point the value has diminished greatly because it’s the same thing over and over and over again. So when you join a new group, there’s just kind of a group process of
Paul (22:18.222)
Bye.
Robert Trout (22:42.208)
Okay, what can I get from here? But then some parents get trapped or stuck like, I guess I’m, you know, I’m here. I’m supposed to do this, et cetera. And the truth is, is I encourage parents outgrow their group by kind of moving towards kind of two different avenues for me. And I’ll jump to you guys in a second with this, but I encourage them to outgrow it in the sense of, know, you’re in a good support group when you keep learning something different. I’m going to say every month.
Sometimes you’re going to hear the same thing, but if you are constantly surprised and encouraged and seen like, that’s a great idea, right? You’ve gained a new idea of engagement and moving through the process, then you know you’re in a good group. And very often those groups are skills oriented, not vent oriented. So it’s like, okay.
You know, we get to vent sometimes or you’re part of two different groups. One is where I go to vent. One is where I go to learn. It’s like, fine, you build the combination. But there’s this whole idea of like, okay, move yourself up the ladder until you feel, and this is always our goal at Parent Trainers is you feel capable of initiating the skills in such a way that you understand them and they’re working for you.
That’s category number one or path number one. And path number two is you feel at the point that you can start your own support group.
And I say that because it happens all the time. Where, like for me, like we’ve done our trainings and worked with a family like, and sometimes for me, it’s about like six to nine months. This, you know, this mom goes, my God, it’s working. I love this. You guys have done such a great job that, you know, et cetera. And then they start to feel a little lonely because they found community in those groups.
Robert Trout (24:45.964)
But those groups don’t really give them a lot anymore. So they step into the leadership role of like, okay, I’m going to take this to a place, which is why, you know, at Parent Trainers, we have parent ambassadors on our site. These are people who have done the trainings and they’re talking and they’re bringing that to the forefront of that. And it’s like, okay, come share the knowledge now. Be the person that has the success stories and the failure stories that you came back from.
Right? And you kind of put it all together. So I see it in that like, you know you’re in a good group when you’re learning, when there’s balance, and you don’t feel drained physically or emotionally by being in the presence of whatever the energy of the group is. And this is a good group meaning, by definition, good group for you. It might be a great group for someone else, but for you it may not be a good match. So take that evaluation of
Are you at that place that you’ve outgrown what this process has to offer and you move towards step two or three or four?
Thoughts?
Paul (25:57.004)
I mean, one of the things that I often say to my families is I’m trying to work myself out of a job. Right? I want these folks to be healthy and feel independent to strive and take that leap of, you know, ultimately feeling,
Mary (26:02.382)
Mm-hmm.
Paul (26:13.046)
confident in themselves, right? And confident in their path and feeling like they don’t need somebody to put the bumpers on the lane, so to speak. Like they can actually navigate it themselves in their decision-making process and so forth. And so, you know, to come back to that idea of what is a healthy group, you know, when I think about all the groups that I’ve been a part of, whether in my own process or facilitating, I think of a sense of safety.
I think of sense of commonality. I think of something specific like, do you actually understand what’s going on for me in particular? You know, like my kid has ADHD, my kid has bipolar, well, my kid is struggling with trauma, well, my kid’s actually got multiple things happening. You know, is there like a more nuanced lens of things? And so creating the space to understand like,
or rather creating the space to feel understood, right? And so you hear your story and others and you feel safe to actually speak your own. So when I think about a healthy group, there’s attunement.
and there is this greater capacity of understanding and compassion and empathy, right? And there’s no judgment because everybody’s on the same journey, right? So, good groups are healthy groups, is what I’d say.
Mary (27:41.246)
I was going to add to that, Paul, that accountability sometimes is really, really important and not necessarily a specific type of accountability, right? whether that’s like accountability for self-care, right? Or accountability for continuing to learn new things and grow or accountability for following through with a skill that maybe feels really uncomfortable or, you know, a way of communicating that feels really difficult or
Paul (27:44.994)
Mm-hmm.
Mary (28:10.37)
you know, challenging. Yeah, so I think accountability for lot of parents can be really integral in feeling like they’re in a supportive, healthy group, routine.
Robert Trout (28:26.508)
Well, let’s move towards final thoughts as we leave parents thinking from this episode. For me, anyone that’s listening to this, whether you join our community or not, go find one person.
one person to join your group, your support network for you that has absolutely nothing to do with your child necessarily, but build community. That’s the key to the message that we’re trying to deliver here is don’t do this alone.
build community because at its core when you have your group that’s the support you need. Find your group and find your support within it. That’s the most simplistic way I feel like we can look at this concept of supporting your child. We are supporting your child. At the end of this conversation you supporting yourself
is supporting your entire family system.
Mary (29:42.178)
Yeah, I would add, you know, think outside of the box and be creative and have fun with it. I think especially in times where we’re feeling alone with our problems, we forget that sometimes it’s just about having fun or connecting in a way that’s maybe more lighthearted. So as you’re thinking about building your support network, yeah, think about hobbies that you haven’t participated in.
Robert Trout (29:48.268)
Mm-hmm.
Mary (30:11.682)
in a while. Maybe think about a retreat for yourself and reconnecting, re-grounding into yourself. There’s so much out there these days that centers around, you know, women’s only, men’s only, you know, specific issues or specific types of healing or growth. So get creative, you know, and think outside of the box where you need to.
And like Rob said, find your people, find your people because when we’re not alone in our problems, we, I think, feel like there’s hope, there’s more hope and there’s more options. And that’s really important, I think, to not feel alone. I’ve talked to so many parents who say, just feel like I’m the only one or I feel so alone or everyone else looks like they have their stuff together. No one else is struggling in this way. Right. So.
being able to take that first step, which can be daunting to build that.
Paul (31:17.102)
Yeah, I guess the last thing I’ll say is that…
There’s value in having somebody offer an objective perspective for you. Because when you’re in it, you just have blind spots. Like everybody has blind spots. Like nobody’s immune to that. And so creating the space to have somebody show up with you and for you and help you see something that, you know…
you haven’t been able to, like whether it’s a perspective or a path or opportunity, you know, there is so much value in creating, you know, just a dialogue and.
Yeah. Expanding your own perception of what’s available. So yeah, seek out support, right? As you said, Rob, like we shouldn’t be doing this alone. You know, we are community where I mean, we’re pack animals, humans are pack animals. We need to have that sense of connectivity. We need to be in group. That is just baseline how we actually function optimally. So find your people.
Mary (32:18.19)
Mm-hmm.
Robert Trout (32:32.008)
And as always, thank you for listening today. We invite you to come find us at parenttrainers.com and join our community. Ask your questions and find your people with us. There are so many options out there. We’re just one of them. Hope to see you there.
