Robert Trout (00:01.928)
Welcome to Parent Problems Today. We have a parent question that we’re going to go into today. Paul, the family that I was talking to kind of put out there that they wanted a podcast episode that looked at the greatest pitfalls that families run into. And this wasn’t based on a…
very like a specific situation. This is more of an in general, what are the pitfalls that parents run into in almost any situation when you look at a family system or container? So it was a great conversation I was having, but it was definitely like, oh yeah, we can, I feel like we can run through some of the general, almost everybody or a lot of parents run into some of these situations, but what are the pitfalls?
Paul (00:30.626)
Mm-hmm. Yeah.
Robert Trout (00:57.148)
that in general families run into. So I have a list. I feel like you have one too. So why don’t you kick us off with the first thing that came to mind when we think about the pitfalls that in general parents run into.
Paul (01:06.591)
Certainly.
Paul (01:15.19)
I think the first one is trying it once, and only once, right? So, you know, the work that we do, it’s skill-based, right? We end up showing and teaching.
Robert Trout (01:22.553)
Yes.
Paul (01:33.042)
all sorts of fascinating things about communication and presentation and management of relationships and how we show up and gosh, there’s so many layers to it. And it can feel…
a bit overwhelming for parents and they want to nail it on the first try and it can be disheartening for anybody to try something and it blows up in their face. Meaning like their child isn’t receptive or it flat out doesn’t work. And so with anything that we teach and even in my own experience of learning these things, there’s a learning curve.
You know, we gotta be able to slow down and recognize that it’s gonna feel awkward. It’s gonna feel contrived. It’s gonna feel different. You’re gonna have your moments where you’re stumbling out of the blocks, let alone trying to reason your way through your issues and fall back into old patterns very quickly. So, yeah, I find talking with parents, frustration coming up.
when they’ve tried it and it didn’t work. And then they’re like, give me the next thing. Come on, what else? Looking for the magic bullet and ultimately, it’s about consistency and trying things and even informing your child that you’re trying things. Be transparent about the process. What we’ve been doing doesn’t work. So I’m gonna try some stuff. It’s gonna feel awkward, it’s gonna feel funny. It’s gonna be something that we’re gonna have to…
Robert Trout (02:48.492)
Ha ha
Paul (03:09.386)
continue to discuss, normalize the conversations. And yeah, the thing of just trying it once is the first one. And I’m sure you have your own stories about hearing, it didn’t work.
Robert Trout (03:23.204)
Oh yeah, absolutely. It didn’t work. And I feel like, especially with our philosophy of training, that right now I want to jump out there to all the parents that are listening that when you try something at work, you get a new job, you try something to follow a protocol or a system or et cetera, most of the time you don’t nail it. You don’t get it perfectly. You go through a process where
Paul (03:27.158)
Mm-hmm.
Robert Trout (03:51.204)
You try what they’re trying to teach you. And then after that, at least at companies that know what they’re doing, there’s supervision and feedback and retraining and processing, where it’s like, okay, how did that feel to try that? Let’s send you in again, but try it like this, right? So it comes to our core philosophy at Parent Trainers of options, not answers, right? What you tried today,
was not the answer. It’s an option. And because it’s an option, you have to go in and tweak it. You have to figure out how you’re gonna stand with the tone of voice that works for you, the language, like down to the actual words chosen to use in the process. That’s so individual. And the best staff in any industry are the ones that grow themselves into the position.
Paul (04:35.328)
Right.
Paul (04:38.934)
Mm-hmm.
Robert Trout (04:47.344)
So taking that metaphor and putting it into the parent, well, the best parents in the world are the ones who are growing themselves into the parent that can walk into the situation and assess and work with. But it is that frustration, right? That you’re talking about for sure. I’m laughing just because like this is like the number one pitfall is probably the, I tried, they didn’t change.
Paul (05:02.53)
Mm-hmm.
Robert Trout (05:15.612)
They didn’t listen to me. They just walked away. They, they, there’s so much blame in this story that gets projected and put on, you know, my teenager or my young adult or my kid in general, just they’re awful. They’re not changing. They’re not listening, et cetera, whereas it’s really the practice of do it a hundred times.
Paul (05:17.803)
Right.
Robert Trout (05:44.404)
now tell me it’s not working. There’s adjustment that can be done to new options and different modalities and processes all the time. But to try something once and then give up because it didn’t work, you’re absolutely right. That is probably the number one pitfall I could think of as well, and it is on my list. Ha ha ha.
Paul (05:46.899)
Yeah.
Paul (06:07.999)
Yeah, I mean, there’s this recognition that teenagers, especially if that’s who we’re talking about is like parenting teenagers or young adults or even adolescents, you know, they have brains, they see you doing something differently. They’re going to kind of give you a little bit of the side eye kind of question what is this new thing? How do I need to re strategize my interaction with you? Because we’re all just trying to figure out how to feel safe. Right?
Robert Trout (06:22.268)
Yep.
Paul (06:35.966)
Like that is half the thing with any single behavior. You know, your kids wanna feel safe. They wanna feel like they have choice, you know? And ultimately you wanna feel safe. You wanna feel like you have choice. And so, you know, when we come forward with something new and something a little awkward and something a little like feels stilted and they feel that and they’re receiving that from you, of course they’re gonna go, hmm.
and I don’t like it because it’s different and I feel like you’re trying to manipulate me. Where really everything that we talk about is just about building relationship and how to maintain relationship and cultivate trust and ultimately help them find their way, right? And gosh, we can unpack that last statement, but yeah.
Robert Trout (07:05.445)
Yes.
Robert Trout (07:16.965)
Yes.
Robert Trout (07:23.044)
Right. Well, yes, there’s the core of that. But then there’s also the long-term game, where it’s not just building relationship. It’s also the strategy you’re implementing needs time to take effect. And by implementing this process and this intervention, what we’re looking for is change, but not today. We’re looking for a little bit today, a little bit tomorrow, and then a little bit, and a little bit, and a little bit, until we reach that place where it’s
Paul (07:29.556)
Certainly.
Robert Trout (07:52.696)
You did this so much that you became competent in the language or skill or technique or whatever you’re using. So absolutely. That, yes.
Paul (08:03.806)
Yeah, and authentic to you, like what you were saying, Rob, like in your own language, in your own style, in your own family culture, right? That’s one of the biggest things. We’re not trying to tell you who you should be. We’re trying to help you support the family values that you wanna cultivate and how you wanna show up in relationship.
Robert Trout (08:11.058)
Yes.
Robert Trout (08:14.609)
Yep.
Robert Trout (08:18.417)
Yep.
And actually that’s a really good point to this pitfall, right? The try it once. Very often I’ve actually found in my family systems work with parents is that I’ll find out that they tried something sometimes more than once, but just in general, they’re getting started. And then what happens wasn’t from the kid, the family system of grandparents or their best friend or others step in and they say, Oh, I tried that. It didn’t work.
you start to see this negative response coming in, in general, where it’s feedback from others who have failed at something similar, or they don’t actually understand what you’re doing. They just, it’s different than what they would do. So be careful as well, because I’m gonna actually throw out that a pitfall under this pitfall is all the white noise, all the input and feedback that’s coming back from the people who don’t,
Paul (09:07.153)
Mm-hmm.
Robert Trout (09:20.308)
actually know aren’t directly involved and you know they’re trying to participate but very often human nature right we go to the negative oh i don’t think that’s going to work i wouldn’t even waste my time on that kind of feedback loop i think is a part of this as well
Paul (09:34.83)
Mm-hmm. Right. Yeah, certainly.
Robert Trout (09:41.124)
Well, I’ll jump into one. One of the biggest pitfalls for me as I looked at this question from the family is failure to follow through on consequences. Ha ha ha. Doing all the work to explain and create a plan for their loved one, for their teen or young daughter, whoever, it doesn’t matter, where you offer this view, here’s life.
Paul (09:54.337)
Sure. Yeah.
Robert Trout (10:10.236)
This is what it’s gonna look like for us. If you do this, this happens, you do this, this happens. So there’s choice in all directions, full of choice. And you have just given them a blueprint for what their world, what the container looks like. And for me, a pitfall that I run into all the time is, oh, well, he did that. And I go, okay, so you did this, that’s on your plan. And they go.
No, I just, it didn’t feel right then in that moment. Or, no, I just, I didn’t think about it. Or, you know, some excuse comes in where the plan isn’t going to work. They’re already setting themselves up for failure. So the pitfall there is, we just created this whole new, here’s what we’re going to be vision that leads us to the outcomes we want.
And then the parent sabotages it by not following through with what that actually is. And especially for our teenagers that we’re working with families for, that structure is what the teen’s testing. Oh, this is what the world looks like? Hmm. Let me press this button. Did you mean it? Are you actually going to do this thing that’s supposed to happen? And as soon as that thing doesn’t happen, all of it’s not real.
None of it’s real. They don’t trust it. There’s nothing to depend on there. The messaging becomes completely twisted to that teenager where they’re like, oh, well, I can manipulate this just like I was before. So nothing’s different. There’s been no change. So the failure to actually follow the guidelines and plan and system that the family’s trying to change is to me, one of the top tier pitfalls as well for families.
Paul (11:53.603)
Yeah.
Paul (12:06.154)
Agreed. I think when consequences aren’t followed through with, then there’s an impression of a gray area. And then with a gray area, there becomes bargaining. Or maybe you might even feel like you’re being badgered. And so being able to be consistent, hold the boundary, be clear in your communication of the boundary way up front, and as you said, Rob, follow through with it.
You know, and so oftentimes the parents that struggle with that are the ones who aren’t staying connected to their original intent. Right. Oh, I forgot about it. Oh, I yeah. Right. I was supposed to do that. But, you know, life. And so creating the space to stay connected in your support systems that help you stay connected to your attention or intention rather both in fact. And so ultimately
something to think about is, okay, who are my co-caregivers? Who are my co-staff? You know, my…
spouse, my partner, my ex-partner, my parent who is also a caregiver towards my child, creating the understanding that you have a team approach and keeping everybody on the same page in that regard is also keeping yourself on the same page. And so a way to navigate that is staying connected to other support systems, other people who are holding this intent and creating space
How are we holding this child, especially if they’re really struggling? What are the things that we need to be attentive towards around behaviors, around predictable behaviors, around creating space for them to feel successful, opening up opportunity for them. And if they struggle or if we see them, you know,
Paul (13:55.466)
slip, especially when it comes to the clarified expectations that we laid out up front, being clear about what that next step is and have that feel held by everybody in the support system as much as possibly can be consistent across the board.
Robert Trout (14:14.824)
So as we look at this episode, I don’t want it to be just harping on what we’ve seen. So let’s stop there for a second and kind of touch on both of these. Some of the solutions, not all of them, God, there’s so many things that we’ve had to adjust and move through, but let’s look at both of these. So trying something once and only once. Honestly, at least for me, what I find in the-
Paul (14:24.056)
Sure.
Paul (14:37.466)
Mm-hmm.
Robert Trout (14:43.816)
Sessions that I do with the parents. It’s all about that. Okay, let’s get specific and let’s make a plan Where you’re looking at this thing? Okay, I’m gonna try this every day for three months Right like giving it a timeline giving it a strategy and being encouraging on our side Where it’s like things will get better things will change at least and you then have to go through the process of establishing what that means
family. So as far as solution oriented processes for trying it once, that stands out to me. What’s something you’ve talked about?
Paul (15:27.963)
When it comes to, you know, again, having that reaction of I tried it, it didn’t work. Oftentimes, I will get specific and kind of process, well, tell me how you did it. What did that feel like? You know, and what sort of feedback would you give yourself if you were to kind of be a fly on the wall? And creating the space to…
Robert Trout (15:47.663)
Oh, always.
Paul (15:51.714)
especially if both parents are in the conversation, was the other parent present? Do you feel like you’re willing to receive feedback from your partner? Right, is that something that you guys have normalized and feel comfortable around and if not?
that’s a skill to build, right? And understand some of the ground rules of safety around that at the very least. But ultimately it’s about being able to receive feedback and create an opportunity to recognize that again, it’s a learning process. So that’s kind of a lot of what I engage in, in helping parents find their way through, you know.
Robert Trout (16:26.342)
Yeah.
Paul (16:32.142)
struggling with the first time, struggling with the second time, being in a place where they believe they know the story of their child and it’s not going to work, right?
Robert Trout (16:42.692)
Yep. If I’m on a video call with them, I’ll have them stand up and show me how they did it. You know, that feedback is extremely important for people like, oh, do you see how you’re standing? Do you see the messaging that you’re sending to this kid’s brain in this moment? So it’s just the more education put into functional action, right? Yeah, I agree with you.
Paul (16:59.662)
Hmm.
Paul (17:05.022)
Certainly. Yeah, I mean, it’s so nuanced, especially in the way we teach the skills, right? All the nonverbal communication, all the idea of approach, all the idea of setting yourself up for your own landing of your intention, right? Aligning how you’re hoping to impact your child with.
Robert Trout (17:10.565)
Yes.
Paul (17:25.602)
how you’re showing up, right? And so, yeah, it can be unpacked in so many different ways. And it’s worth having those conversations to get clear about like, all right, so yeah, that didn’t work. That’s okay.
Robert Trout (17:27.216)
Yep. Well.
Robert Trout (17:38.408)
Absolutely. Yep. And that will go straight into the action-oriented processes of no follow through. So if you’re a parent and you’re listening to this right now and you’ve had these situations or you just had this situation where you tried to implement a new strategy and then you didn’t follow through, very often the solution-oriented process for that is stepping in and saying, hey.
I’m acknowledging to you, to the child, I’m acknowledging to you that I didn’t follow through on the plan and that’s on me and we’re going to change that. What needs to happen is this, right? So there’s some repair work there including the foundation of the change that was previously discussed. So I’m not surprising them with anything. I’m acknowledging that I made a mistake.
Paul (18:30.391)
Uh huh.
Mm-hmm.
Robert Trout (18:36.124)
by not doing it this way, and then I’m moving into orienting to the new process and plan. Because again, they have to know this is real, and it’s my job to do it, right? The parent has to be the one to implement that, because the kid’s going to let it slide every time.
Paul (18:55.25)
Yeah, yeah, yeah. What else did I want to say about that? Sorry, your screen froze for a second. So I had a train of thought and just gone, which is fine. I’m sure we’ll circle back to it.
Robert Trout (19:07.08)
It’s all right.
Robert Trout (19:11.759)
Well, let’s go on to the next one. What’s the next on your list for pitfalls?
Paul (19:16.182)
Sure, I think it is falling into the assumptive trap.
Parents often assume their kid’s intent, assume how their child is thinking, assume how their child’s gonna react to even just a simple question. And I think oftentimes parents try and stay two steps ahead of their kid, which is normal and understandable because they’re trying to prevent disruption or…
uh, dysregulation, but really creating an opportunity to have an engagement with your child, even if it fumbles around, you know, going in maybe with a little bit of an expectation that it might not be the most easeful conversation. And you might be surprised that your child is showing up in a different way because again, you’re showing up in a different way, right? And so.
watch out for over-assuming or trying to get way out ahead because, you know, the truth of it is, is you’re losing an opportunity to understand more about your child, whether it be an adolescent, a teen, or a young adult.
It is such a fascinating timeframe where their personality is developing, where their brain is coming online in a much deeper fashion in so many different ways that they’re perceiving the world, perceiving relationship, even within their own personal experience and self-identity. The more you can be curious with them, the more you can engage them, the more you’re gonna understand them, right? Rather than sitting in like a false narrative, because that’s what assumptions are, more often than not.
Paul (20:57.39)
unfortunately. Is there a false narrative? And if we operate from those places, we’re doing a disservice to the relationship and ultimately we often hear, no, that’s not real for me. Or no, you don’t know me. Or why do you keep telling me what to do? Because that’s not even that’s not even who I am or what I believe or how I’m feeling about the thing.
Robert Trout (21:16.76)
Yes. And for me, it’s that the parent is putting on them a label or a design. This is what you are because I obviously know why you did this, right? So if it’s the danger in the pitfall, the danger is I’m going to tell you why you are and what you are because especially for teens, in my experience,
Paul (21:26.19)
Mm-hmm.
Paul (21:45.493)
Mm-hmm.
Robert Trout (21:45.724)
they will become that which they are being treated as. So if you’re saying you did that on purpose, you’re trying to hurt me, you’re et cetera, very often they will manifest that reality in their behaviors and the structure of the relationship itself. So the pitfall is definitely a pitfall. And it’s actually very dangerous to the long-term relationship with the child.
Paul (21:50.894)
Totally.
Robert Trout (22:14.032)
Because very often we are making them something that we want them or need them to be. And so many of my parents in the past have talked about, like, why in the world would I make my kid hate me? And then we get into the family systems work where it’s like, okay, we come to find out that one of the parents is trying to work through childhood trauma with their parents, etc. And they start to see, like,
I’m working that out subconsciously. Like this isn’t on purpose, come on. But they are working a lot of their own therapeutic needs and processes out by either repeating history or just putting that child in the position to be the one taking the brunt of what they’re lashing out about. And there’s so many scenarios for that. We don’t have time, maybe a whole other episode on that, but looking at the dynamics.
Paul (23:11.038)
Yeah. I mean, one just earlier today, working with some parents, you know, both the mother and the father have anxiety around their child’s safety.
and this kid is trying to have a new experience in his life. And the parents are trying to control it. And they believe that they understand more about his process than he does. And ultimately that’s building resentment and resistance in him and he’s withdrawing more.
Right? They’re struggling to stay connected to him because they’re trying to protect him. They think it’s coming from a good place. They think it’s coming from a place of like, well, but I should take care of him. But that is my job. You know, and that as a reaction is totally natural. And if you’re not giving space for your child to tell you their story, how they’re feeling, their perceptions, their process.
Robert Trout (23:51.708)
Of course.
Paul (24:13.342)
And again, it’s evolving from day to day. They go to school, they come back, they’re a different human. Like that is the reality of, you know, adolescents and teenagers, you know? And so it’s a constant relearning about who your child is. So stay curious, watch out for sticking them in a box and then keeping them in a box of who you think they are from 12 to 13, right? Because they’re no longer that kid.
Robert Trout (24:21.576)
Absolutely.
Robert Trout (24:42.344)
Nope, absolutely. Well, from there, I feel like I can jump from that into my next pitfall that I find to be at the top of the list for a lot of families. I call it false expectations. And there’s probably other phrases for this. But it always comes to me in the sessions I’m having with parents where the parent says, oh, well, they know they’re supposed to do that.
Paul (25:12.99)
Yeah.
Robert Trout (25:16.193)
Oh my god. Open the hole, fall in. There you go. That is the definition of pitfall. They know. They know they’re supposed to do that. They know there’s an expectation of them meeting this standard or speaking to you a certain way or accomplishing a task in a certain amount of time. You’re telling me that this kid knows that. Oh, oh yeah. They know. Oh that.
Paul (25:27.388)
Mm-hmm.
Paul (25:34.316)
Right.
Paul (25:38.57)
Oh, they know. Yeah, they know.
Robert Trout (25:43.448)
Alright, let me burst that bubble for everyone listening to this podcast right now. No, they don’t. Ha ha
Paul (25:55.618)
Hmm.
Robert Trout (26:12.716)
Of course they will. They know that I expect that. And there’s actually never been any conversation about this. None. Because it’s never come up in the course of the process of being a family that there’s something wrong with that, or that it has to be done in this amount of time, or whatever it might be. But the pitfall is definitely this, like, you expect your child to
act or perform in a certain way, that’s the pitfall. Unless you’ve actually taken the time to create a structure in your family system for conversations that dictate this, and this, right? Whatever is a hard rule, a hard process for your family to function, those are learned lessons.
that very often in the beginning parents say, well, you should just know that. It’s like, oh yeah, go ahead and read my mind. But it’s just not how it works. So to me, the number of times I have to talk to a parent off the cliff, because they’re about to lose it, is like, okay, hold on. If we actually go back in time, right? And this is the process, go back in time and look at what has happened up until this point.
Paul (27:16.342)
Mm-hmm.
Robert Trout (27:37.616)
Has there ever been a point where you’ve stepped into a role of leadership or mentorship or being a teacher to show them the outcomes that are possible for these things because these kids, they don’t know. They’re just doing the best they can with the information they have. So if the information’s not been given to them, the parent has to be the one to back up and go, oh, okay, hold on. What this really means is
we’re gonna have a conversation about things that are changing. You’re getting older, your role is changing, the expectation is changing, you’re at a new school now, there’s more homework, there’s, you know, whatever has changed from history to present moment, that’s where you have to meet them in the teaching and conversation part within the relationship where they’re not gonna read your mind. So you have to let that go.
And it is a pitfall. So many parents, they don’t even realize they’re doing this because they’re working, they’re busy, they’re dealing with family, they’re dealing with all the dynamics that adults deal with. And very often we forget that kids need to be taught. And as they get older, especially the teens and young adult ages, guess who the teacher is? Whether you like it or not, it’s you. You’re the parent.
Paul (28:34.028)
Mm-hmm.
Robert Trout (29:00.264)
They’re looking to you first, and then they go out from that. If they don’t get the need met from you, they go out and try to find the resources to figure out how to live their lives somewhere else.
Paul (29:12.878)
Mm-hmm. Yeah. Common sense is not so common.
Robert Trout (29:20.617)
Especially in teenagers, yes. No, no offense! We’re talking about brain neurologically!
Paul (29:22.334)
It’s, well, I mean, especially, I mean, I don’t mean to, I mean, so no offense, neurologically, and also where we’re at social cultural, like state of Western culture in particular, like common sense isn’t so common, right? These kids are put through the wringer in terms of who,
Robert Trout (29:40.188)
Yeah.
Paul (29:50.698)
they like the importance of how they show up in peer culture, how they show up in social media. It has like run the gambit in terms of, excuse me, being able to help them slow down and understand how to be a family member in the midst of all of their navigation of that. That is just like that takes some intentionality.
Robert Trout (30:13.36)
Right.
Paul (30:17.33)
We cannot just assume that as they get older, they’re just gonna pick things up. They are so distracted. They are so just encumbered by so much stimulation that the common sense is just of what we grew up with. It’s just not happening.
You know, parents aren’t in the home as much as maybe they used to be. There’s so many factors to this. And so being able to sit down and as you said, Rob, get clear, you know, be a, be clear around how you all function as a family, you know, take a step back and understand that as they develop, they should be taking on more responsibilities. You know, developmentally appropriate stages come with developmentally appropriate responsibilities, right? And so being able to hand those to them.
and model them and teach them. Don’t assume that they know how to do their laundry first time you say, oh it’s your responsibility now. Right? Like being able to be with them in their process, you know, because ultimately again who are you in their lives? Right? Who are you in terms of the person they can lean on, the person they can turn to, the person that helps them feel safe in the world?
If you are telling them how come you didn’t and you should have, and you’ve never had the conversation about it, that’s guilting and maybe even borderlining on shaming. How does that impact your relationship with them? How does that actually get them motivated to do it the next time, let alone have an understanding and be confident in taking it on the next time? So.
take a step back, have the conversation with your co-caregiver, your co-parent. Hey, have you done this with them? Have they ever done this? Have you seen them do it? Have they been successful? I mean, it might be something like putting the dishes away. I mean, it can be so basic, right? And it can be as complicated as how they navigate getting support for their homework, which is another big stressor, right? And so…
Robert Trout (32:26.44)
Absolutely.
Paul (32:30.078)
Recognize there are many different areas where it’s important to stay connected to them and have conversations as they evolve and grow into greater stressors and exposures of stressors because Gosh They need help they need so much support and again us as a culture we project that they should be able to do it and home should
Robert Trout (32:55.988)
often it seems to be a theme across the board in mental health where the expectations on teens has grown so expediently that they’re struggling with just keeping up much less accomplishing the tasks that are set for them now because we’re expecting adult behavior from teens and that maybe that’s one of the pitfalls that we would talk about right here is like expecting
Paul (33:02.21)
Totally.
Paul (33:19.906)
Hmm.
Paul (33:24.13)
Mm-hmm.
Robert Trout (33:26.088)
them to be greater than their capacity really is. And, you know, it’s that whole like not letting them be kids. Well, they are kids and kids grow at different rates, both physically, emotionally, mentally, all of these areas are different and individual. So if you look at one 13 year old and go, oh my God, they’re in, you know, taking college courses and they’re speaking respectfully and they’re, you know, et cetera.
Paul (33:31.137)
Right.
Paul (33:37.302)
Mm-hmm.
Paul (33:43.443)
Uh huh.
Robert Trout (33:55.312)
Well guess what? They’re not your 13 year old. That’s someone else’s kid. And they’re developing in a much different way. Yes.
Paul (33:55.598)
Mm-hmm.
Paul (33:59.594)
Yeah. Or that might have been the older sibling. That might have been the older sibling, but the younger sibling might not be in that state, might not be in that capacity, or maybe in willingness. Yeah. Mm-hmm.
Robert Trout (34:10.056)
Absolutely. Yep. All right, give me one more off your list.
Paul (34:17.822)
Sure, I think this is the one that I am having to be the broken record on fairly consistently in all of the calls that I have ever been on is the pitfall of not taking care of yourself. You know, like, hey, you’re only going to be able to show up as much as you’re resilient and your capacity to be resilient, right? So, I mean, gosh, get sleep.
Robert Trout (34:32.401)
Oh yeah.
Paul (34:44.738)
Get some exercise, move your body, make sure you’re drinking enough water, make sure you’re feeding yourself, right? Like being able to show up in a way with your child that you want to.
Right, because if you’re not taking care of yourself, if you’re skipping meals because you have to take care of X, Y, or Z, or you haven’t got good sleep in the last several nights, you’re probably gonna show up irritable. That’s just the nature of the human brain and our capacity or lack thereof when we have low self-care. You know, in our day and age, there’s a constant rebuttal of, but I don’t have time.
Okay, I wanna poke holes in that rationale all day, every day, because ultimately there is space. Map it out. Look at your calendar. Map it out by every minute spent in the day. You can fit in a snack. You can fit in a drink of water. Take a supplement.
Robert Trout (35:32.657)
Yes.
Paul (35:50.03)
do something for yourself to stabilize your capacity, stabilize yourself to be resilient in the face of your child not being resilient, right? Because if you’re showing up irritable, they’re going to mirror that, right? If you’re showing up and you feel like you’re stumbling through your day, they’re going to feel like they’re on their own. You know, they’re going to feel like they’re trying to figure it out on their own.
Robert Trout (35:50.648)
Yes.
Robert Trout (36:15.76)
Yes.
Paul (36:19.11)
and ultimately we just got done saying they’re lost. You know, they need to have a parent. They need to have a support system.
Robert Trout (36:24.6)
Thanks. Yep.
Robert Trout (36:29.412)
Yes, and capacity is such an important part of this conversation for this pitfall, where if you lack the capacity, then it’s already lost. Stop fighting. There’s nothing to be won here because you lack the energy and focus to really have an in-depth process with this loved one that’s struggling with a mental health or behavioral health or like an extreme.
process. So if you’re not grounded, they’re not going to be grounded. They’re going to follow you. So if you’re coming in irritable, if you’re coming in tired, they’re going to meet you there. It’s mirror and matching. It’s a very simple neuroscience. You have to be the one to step in with the capacity to move through the process that needs to happen.
Paul (37:22.214)
And that takes willingness on the parent’s part to slow down and check in with themselves and say, how am I doing before I go and I talk to my child about their homework? Before I go and talk to them about…
Robert Trout (37:31.3)
Yes.
Paul (37:34.262)
picking up their crap in the living room before I go and talk to them about giving me their phone. Like before you go into these conversations, especially if you know that they’re going to test you, they’re going to maybe have a reaction because it’s one of those touchy topics. Being able to slow yourself down and just shake yourself out, move the tension, get a drink of water.
Robert Trout (37:36.881)
Yep.
Paul (38:00.31)
Do some jumping jacks just to loosen your nervous system. Create some space for you to be able to show up with a tone that doesn’t immediately put them into a defensive posture.
Robert Trout (38:12.728)
Yep. Well, I’m gonna bring us home here with my last one. And I know if you’ve been out there and you’ve heard me on other podcasts and things that I’m a broken record. So this is my pitfall that seems to be very passionate for me. I call it, therapy’s not the answer. The pitfall is the number of families I’ve spoken to where they’re looking for the
solution. And they put it out there as someone else is going to just make all of this better.
The truth is, no, they’re not. There isn’t a magic bullet. There’s not a pill that’s going to make all of it go away. There’s not one conversation that’s going to change the dynamic within the family system or the struggle that’s going on internally for your loved one or the neurology and the process that’s going on with that. There’s not a one-off solution to any of it. I don’t care.
what the situation is. There isn’t a one-off solution. So the pitfall is the false hope that if I am struggling with my child and I put them in therapy, that the therapist is gonna tell them to listen to me. And they’re gonna listen to the therapist and it’s gonna change everything. It’s not gonna be as simple as getting a new medication and it makes everything better. It’s not.
going to be simple. The pitfall is believing or having false hope that there’s something that will just make all of this better and I don’t have to worry about it. Well guess what? If you’re a parent and you’re in this situation with your child, it’s going to be for the rest of your life. This isn’t a one-off with them either. They’re going to remember how you handled this or the solutions that you offered or pushed on them.
Robert Trout (40:21.372)
they’re going to react. It’s called relationship because of the interaction between two or more people or two or more things. So the false hope is the pitfall. The process through that is the realization that there are lots of tools and skills and short-term medication, therapeutic processes, intervention strategies, all of these things are tools.
that can be used to support a loved one that’s going through a process. However, it will not solve the problem. You, as the parent, being the steady, solid core of the family system and unit and container, et cetera, whatever metaphor you want to look at there, you are the one that whatever you do,
is going to shape the reactions within the interactions of the relationship with you and your loved one. You cannot escape that. No one who has children can escape that because children are the best. They are the best at finding the shiny red button and pressing it on you. They know what’s going on in this family system. They know what’s going on for you. They know your weak points. They know your strategies. So you have to implement
new strategies, you can get them into therapy, and you can change too alongside them. That’s not just doing therapy for you either. It’s not like, oh, we both go to therapist or we do family therapy and everything will get better. It’s we’re gonna do this and do the process work, but we also are gonna do the action work. And the action work is all the skill sets and interventions and strategies at home, because guess what? You’re with them.
the most amount of time. So the greatest influence is gonna come from you. That simple.
Paul (42:22.698)
Yeah, I mean, there’s a reason this is called family systems work. Right. You know, we all are impacting one another. You know, every household is such a complex dynamic, even the best of them, quote unquote, best of them, whatever that means, right. And creating the space to take a step back and say, yes, this is a challenge of my child. Yes, this is a challenge of my other child. And also I have these challenges.
Robert Trout (42:27.175)
Yes.
Robert Trout (42:37.963)
Yeah.
Paul (42:51.67)
You know, not only does your child maybe benefit from therapy, but I also have my work to do.
Right? You know, earlier I was saying like pause before you go in and have that conversation about the homework or the dishes. Man, so many parents are charged when they walk into those conversations. They walk in with like the presumption that I’m going to get them and they’re going to get it now. This is the last time I’m having this conversation and ultimately it erupts and the cycle persists. Right? Like there’s a change.
that everybody needs to go through, right? That everybody is actually, hopefully invested in on some level. And again, just as Rob said, it starts with you. The reason you’re coming to this podcast, maybe investing in the work that we do, it is about cultivating change for the sake of health of your family system, right? It isn’t just about fix your child, because that’s not how it works.
Robert Trout (43:31.986)
Yes.
Robert Trout (43:58.248)
Nope. And it never will be. It just, it won’t be simple. Oh yeah. Oh my god, we’d be billionaires and retired by now if we had that ability. Ha ha ha. So… Go ahead.
Paul (44:00.338)
And I wish I had the magic wand. Right?
Paul (44:09.763)
Yeah. So create.
Yeah, so creating an opportunity to understand that it is going to be a piece of work that you’re gonna consistently engage in. And more often than not, when I reiterate that to parents, they throw their eyes up and just look in an exhausted fashion like, oh my God, is it gonna ever end? And what I would say is that change is possible, but the relationship is going to be long.
It’s the rest of your life, right? It is, you’re looking so big picture down the line, right? And yeah, it’s the marathon, not the sprint.
Robert Trout (44:42.812)
Yes.
Robert Trout (44:56.076)
And to be honest, what I would like to leave everyone with from this podcast episode is that all of these pitfalls can be linked together. Right. So just talking about this one where you’re saying, you know, they’re very tired already very often we get them after they’ve been through A large part of the war and our parents are exhausted. That’s why they come to us and we’re supporting them and working through
Paul (45:16.968)
exhausted.
Robert Trout (45:22.696)
problem solving these things because they are exhausted, because they ran out of ideas. They ran into the wall of their loved one and said, oh, we need help, right? So when we look at these pitfalls, there you are out there listening to this podcast. What I want you to hear is, if you’re looking for someone else to solve the problem, for example, you’re exhausted.
Paul (45:29.054)
Mm-hmm.
Robert Trout (45:49.468)
So now we have to jump over to the pitfall of not taking care of yourself. So in some ways, we’re outlining the first steps to avoid these pitfalls in the future. Don’t judge yourself for the past. That’s not gonna be helpful here. You need to look at and say, okay, my behaviors and strategies need to change. And to avoid these pitfalls in the future, I’m going to change this, and this. And then you put in the accountability.
and then you put in the skill and action ability. From there, we’re looking towards success and change for the future.
So if you’re out there and you’re listening to this, we wanna give you just a glimmer of hope. Yes, there are pitfalls. And we’re smiling right now. I know you can’t see us if you’re listening to us, but we’re smiling because we’ve all fallen in them. Every single one of us has worked with a loved one, whether it’s a child or family member, et cetera. We have fallen into these traps. We’re just bringing to you for your awareness. Because if you’re an aware parent,
You can start to assess the situation act differently and create strategies that can change this where it’s not so impactful on you in the future. And your family can start moving towards change that can be lasting and impactful for you and your loved one. So yeah, we’re here and we’re hopeful that these conversations are helping you to self-assess.
and figure out what it is that you’re gonna need to avoid these pitfalls. Thanks.
