Robert Trout (00:01.661)
Hello everyone and welcome to parent problems today. Today is myself Robert Trout and Paul Arradondo from the parent trainers team who are coming to continue a conversation. We did an episode that aired I think two or three weeks ago that was the beginning of the sibling in mental health conversation and today we’re coming to continue and try to finalize the basics of
looking at the impact of mental health situations or behavioral health actions from kids who are struggling on siblings. This touches a little into the whole family system. But today, we’d like to kind of step into the second part of this conversation. And to begin that, want to go in case you didn’t hear the first episode, I want to touch on a six step
process or idea that we came up with just off the cuff at the end of the last episode where when we’re talking about problems that parents are facing at least at our organization we’re always trying to focus on the solutions like how do you create a roadmap to find your way through the conflict that you’re recognizing and when it comes to siblings and mental health here’s what we got to at the end of last episode step one for a family or for a parent I should say
a caregiver to recognize the process of working their way through how to work with and support siblings. Step one was stop, stop what’s happening and assess not the kid that you’re considering, you know, is having all the trouble, but the siblings, their individuality, their personality and what their needs might be. So step one was to stop the processes that are occurring and really take a step back.
and do this assessment to figure out what’s going on for them and what impact is being created through the dynamic with the other individual, the other kid that is struggling that very often we find ourselves that’s the primary focus, right? Because it’s easy to identify that that kid is struggling. So step one, stop and assess. Step two that we came up on was spending one-on-one time with the siblings.
Robert Trout (02:23.367)
to make sure that you’re dedicating that time to ask them the question and build relationship with them, but to ask them the question of what type of support do they want? What would be helpful from their vantage point for them working and living with their sibling that’s struggling with whatever’s going on? And very often that comes by first building the relationship with them and setting the pace for that conversation.
The third process that we brought in was create roles in the family system, recognizing that each individual can attune and step into a way of supporting the whole of the family system. But when it comes to siblings, they really do need some guidance as to what would be helpful for you and helpful for the whole family system for them to use the skills that they’re either naturally good at or can get trained to use.
to support the whole of the family unit. But giving roles and the importance of, I’m gonna say relationship and responsibilities with those roles can be immensely stabilizing for a sibling that’s witnessing their brother, sister, other going through a process. The fourth was to recognize that your co-parent or co-giver
in whatever that situation is, they need to be on the same page. And this also extends into external relationships, so really close friends, grandparents, and the others. The adults in that network need to be on the same page for understanding that there needs to be time and resourcing going to all of the children involved in the scenario, not just the one that’s struggling, and that the language
of the role and the responsibility and the impact that that kid is under needs to be recognized by all of the adults. This is also kind of stepping into setting up the support network, right? So everyone speaking similar language and process within that. That would be number four. Number five is to create or to not create, I should specify,
Robert Trout (04:44.068)
not to create the us versus them kind of fight that’s happening within the family system. So it’s to recognize as the parent that you’re the sibling of the struggling child is not the appropriate person to go to and create that separation. It’s like, it’s so hard to work with your brother. It’s so God, they’re so I’m so angry at them. All of this very adult kind of expression and language technique and process.
doesn’t need to happen with the sibling because if you create the us versus them you’re creating more conflict and stress for in the future especially within the relationship with the siblings themselves so don’t create the us versus them is the awareness and also the process for number five and then finally we ended on this idea of build allowing the siblings to build relationship with each other and stepping as the parent
into being the facilitator of this process where very often it’s finding that one thing, right? The one thing that they can get along with or connect on because the truth is is very often, at least in our work, siblings don’t get along. Well, I mean, we could step into like even just normally siblings don’t get along, but when you add in a mental health or neurological process,
where the siblings might be young and not really understand what’s happening or not know the language to ask appropriate questions, or they’re developing a style of relating that’s very high conflict without understanding why. They think they’re getting targeted by their sibling or that they’re being mistreated or that it’s not fair in the family dynamic about what happens back and forth. So number six is really that build relationship where you can.
Paul (06:09.38)
You
Robert Trout (06:38.139)
between the siblings so that they have usually one or two things that primarily allow them to have a connection of some kind. And that’s really important. So we’re going to step into the conversation out of these six things because these six things were kind of the wrap up of what should parents do, right? When there is that conflict, when there is a sibling or siblings involved in a mental health process.
I’m gonna pause there. Paul, first thoughts as we go back over these six things. Is there anything that comes up where it’s like, hey, well, you know, I know we did a good job, but what’s your first thoughts?
Paul (07:20.986)
Yeah, I’d actually just really bring a little bit more light to that number six, the last one, sibling activities that they can do together. You might actually have to participate. Sometimes there’s so much conflict, there’s so much just struggle and strain because of growing anger and frustration and impatience or misunderstandings or language barriers due to some mental health challenge.
Robert Trout (07:33.425)
Yes.
Paul (07:47.751)
and their ability to tolerate one another might be pretty thin, know, and depends on where you’re at in your process and their age and what’s been happening, of course, and, you know, set and setting and so forth. But creating that opportunity for them is still really important, even if you feel like it’s hopeless, even if you feel helpless in the midst of it. And oftentimes it, as you said, Rob, will take facilitation and facilitation often means your participation. So creating that opportunity for them to
develop an activity, even if they don’t really engage each other in the midst of the activity. I think in our last conversation, we were bringing up the idea of just having them watch a movie together in silence, just co-regulating in space, sharing some laughter about something outside of their relationship.
So being able to be creative with your ideas and don’t give up on it, right? mean, it is so important to continue to make the effort to cultivate it. Even if you start feeling hopeless and helpless, you know, resource other people outside of your family system to support this process. Bring in their friends if you feel like that could be safe and intentionally held. Bring in relatives, coaches, mentors, teachers, you know, create the opportunity for them to see each other in a new light while they
witness others engaging with them. Right? So being able to support your children is in having and cultivating relationship. My goodness, as they get older and mature and their brains understand actually contextually what’s going on and what has been happening, they’re going to be able to be more patient with each other. So it’s got to start as soon as you can make it happen.
Robert Trout (09:34.341)
Absolutely. So let’s jump from last episode into kind of some of the missing pieces that parents bring up and that we run into in the work when parents are considering siblings and what their roles are, what they should do about them. And it really does feel that way sometimes when the question comes up because so much time and energy is being put on the problem.
on the situation, the stabilization of the person that they can tell is struggling, especially in the beginning. And one of the things that I wanted to make sure we circle back to from the conversation of siblings is an old adage that I remember from my master’s degree in counseling was this look at family systems dynamics. And I had a professor that loved to walk in and say, all right, rule number one.
Chaos breeds chaos. So when we look at family systems and this idea of stabilization, there is an awareness. And for every parent listening to this right now to recognize that this is an awareness because it’s normal. This happens whether you were quote unquote prepared for it or not. This is a natural evolution of human behavior.
where when one person within a system starts to struggle, the system starts to struggle. I’m going say that one more time for everyone. When one person within a system begins to struggle, the system begins to struggle. Now, depending on the level of struggle, the participants within the system may not be aware.
of that struggle for sometimes a very long time because the changes happen very slowly and incrementally over time and with a lot of mental health crisis that happens especially for teenagers in my experience by that point there is a tracking that can be done within the family system that this didn’t just happen overnight they didn’t become depressed overnight
Robert Trout (11:55.641)
or start to have anxiety that led into panic attacks or some other behavioral system. This was something that developed over years and everyone within the system was blind to it because it happened so slowly that it was just normalized by time. So step one for me in this conversation is please hear that this wasn’t a like you missed something.
It’s like, no, it happened and your awareness just wasn’t attuned to recognizing that red flag or that behavioral shift or that piece. And let’s be honest, especially tweens, young or older tweens through teenagers, a part of the individuation that we see that is rampant is the avoidance of showing the change in the emotion. And they’re trying to be something that they think they’re expected to be, whether that be perfection or, or et cetera. So
That’s the first part of the conversation. The second part is to recognize that sometimes it happens overnight. Okay? And this is where we get into brain trauma, neurological development, puberty sometimes has a major rapid impact on somebody as the brain starts to change how it’s operating and the neurochemicals and processes that are happening there. So it is most likely slow sometimes.
very fast and that’s where we get into conversations of trauma and behavior change. Now, switching from that back to siblings is recognizing again that chaos breeds chaos. So when one person within the family system starts to struggle, the other participants within the system start to adjust their behaviors, their reactions, their needs start to shift.
their recognizing pattern starts to shift as well. So within the system, especially over a slow time development, the siblings are changing and adjusting to the individual that’s the primary. If we look at the primary like, this person is struggling in this way, or having a neurological adjustment or process open up for them, whatever that might be, all the participants, parents, grandparents, and siblings
Robert Trout (14:12.739)
also are included in that. So I want to make sure we touch on this. And Paul, let me jump to you real quick with this question about this, that when a system starts to shift, what usually comes up for the families that you’re working with where it’s like, wait a minute, we started to recognize something’s different. What are the first things that you would say that parents bring about the siblings that they’re starting to recognize?
Paul (14:37.198)
Sure. I mean, one of the most common things that happens for a sibling is they just start to retreat. And it can be moving towards silence or retreating to their room or leaving the home, right? Or walking in or not hanging out in the common space any longer or locking themselves in the room. Like it really is about pulling away because they’re overwhelmed, right? You gotta think about like…
Robert Trout (14:46.076)
Hmm.
Robert Trout (14:56.476)
Yeah.
Paul (15:05.102)
they’re experiencing some sort of visceral reaction to what’s happening in the environment, in the system. And that is probably creating their own internal struggle of like, how do I manage this? What do I manage? Where’s my place? Do I have space? How do I create space? my God, this is too much, you know, and it’s typically like overwhelmed. And so oftentimes, especially when they’re young, you know, like 12 and under.
they tend to retreat.
They tend to pull away, you know, and there’s also the other side of things, which could be they get big. They start to try and claim space. They start to maybe insert themselves in conversations, either on the parent’s side or the kid’s side, which is, know, that as you started out this conversation, Rob, like don’t create the us versus them, you know, and so you have to have those conversations with the siblings about like, Hey, this is my conversation and your brother or your sister’s conversation.
Robert Trout (16:02.695)
Okay.
Paul (16:06.88)
you to take space and I appreciate that and we can talk about this later if you’re still feeling like you want to join in in the conversation but right now I need to give some focus. So being able to understand some of these
these behavior patterns that are shifting and adjusting is again, it needs to start with your assessment and your curiosity, number one on the list and create that space for you to slow the moment down and.
Robert Trout (16:34.683)
Okay.
Paul (16:38.558)
set some expectations because if you’re starting to see these behaviors happen and again it could it’s such a wide range i just gave you two like the get big or the get quiet right you know you might have a kid kind of get quiet but still stay really present and sort of read the room in the corner like squinty eyed and giving you the side eye like i don’t know if i agree with how you’re managing my sibling or i don’t know if i agree with how this is playing out or wow
Robert Trout (16:46.749)
to do.
Robert Trout (16:55.025)
Yep.
Paul (17:04.007)
You can see the facial expressions or you can maybe even hear them voice these things, right? Especially if they’re highly intelligent, especially if they already have some anxiety They’re going to be expressive in some way shape or form so being able to Slow the moment down for them or more importantly slow the moment down for yourself. So you could be present with them. I think It’s a it’s a mindfulness practice
Robert Trout (17:17.479)
Good.
Robert Trout (17:30.309)
It is. There is a piece to this that I want to bring awareness to for the parents that are listening that sometimes the kid isn’t isolating and pulling, but they’re actually getting shut out. And with parents, I’ve gotten to the place during some of the trainings where they’ve been able to realize that their parental survival instinct was, I will protect you from this. But by protecting them, the kid literally got pushed out of the system.
Paul (17:42.448)
Mm. Mm-hmm.
Robert Trout (17:59.961)
It’s like they feel alone and very often abandoned and other adjectives that come up there where the kid is able to say like, well, what about me? Which is where we get into the creation of roles, just to specify. It’s like inviting them in and giving them a clear understanding of expectations and their job allows them to feel a part of everything that’s happening and very often steps into that place of I know what I need to do and that and that’s okay.
Paul (18:09.874)
Mm-hmm.
Robert Trout (18:29.181)
I don’t need to become, I had a kid once say, like, I just felt like the only thing I could do was become my brother’s keeper. And when he stepped into that role and the parents didn’t stop him, he became the protector between the parents and the kid. And it was this sibling reaction where, you know, now the fight was going between them. And this is just one scenario, but just giving parents an understanding,
That the solution isn’t to protect them from it’s to bring them in and make them apart. So no matter what there isn’t to like, let me push you out and like protect you from everything that’s about to happen over here. Siblings want to be in they like what child wants to be kicked out of the family process. And that’s where education becomes really important. Role development becomes really important. And then the understanding going back to like the chaos breeds chaos is the check-ins of understanding that.
Whatever happens and changes over here for the primary kid that’s struggling, the sibling’s also going to have a reaction, right? For every action is a reaction. It’s a very basic principle of science that’s also true here, where when you do something for the kid that is primarily needing the support and process, et cetera, it’s very important to go over and check in on the reaction that’s happening with the siblings in the family system as well.
Paul (19:36.497)
Mm-hmm.
Robert Trout (19:57.329)
Thoughts on that?
Paul (20:00.164)
No, I mean, I agree. think there is always a need to follow up. I think taking the temperature of every single individual in the family system. And this again goes back to co-parenting as well, creating the opportunity for the co-parents to have different roles in different situations, making sure that you’re on the same team, you’re carrying the same messaging, you’re understanding the intent of how you’re being with each of your children. And…
Robert Trout (20:11.421)
So yeah.
Paul (20:27.554)
know, expressing that clearly about what does it mean to stay connected in times that are really challenging the whole system. So.
Robert Trout (20:35.687)
Yep. Absolutely. All right. Well, let’s into some practicalities of this conversation. Chaos breeds chaos. The impact happens no matter what. And we’ve gone over some basic like this is your roadmap. So I hope everyone takes that and uses that for their own benefit. But let’s kind of finish this sibling conversation by going through the three zones, the tweens, teens, and young adults. And let’s just touch on
the age appropriateness processes and the things that we see that come up in that. I’ll start with tweens because for me there is a process where in the tween age group the younger siblings who are headed also into that age range very often show up where the parents start to recognize that there’s certain patterns where for me it’s mimicry. When an individual starts to struggle
When the siblings are in those younger ages through the tween years, so younger all the way through about 12, 13, I very often will see that the parents are like, my god, and now I have to deal with two of them. Because very often they’re learning from the older sibling who is now struggling, and they don’t maybe even know that that kid is struggling. They’re just, that’s my brother, right? And so they start to use similar language, act out in similar ways.
Paul (22:00.731)
Mm-hmm.
Robert Trout (22:05.661)
create conflict to gain attention from the parents in the same manners as their brother or sister was doing that they’re watching and witnessing because they have needs that need to be met and they’re learning from watching what’s happening in the family dynamic ahead of them on that timeline typically. for me the first thing that comes up for that is that mimicry and understanding that there is a dynamic of learning negative behavior
through that context and understanding as a parent that that is a place of separating the, you know, the consequences and the language and the techniques might have to be different for both kids. And it really is that conversation and creating some separation between them so that the younger kids and the tweens and the age group can start to understand what the parents are seeking from them to get their needs met, right? Like that’s one part of the major.
core of this is that at that age, they have needs, they’re expressing the needs, and the parents need to show up differently between the two kids. Thoughts on that?
Paul (23:14.424)
Yeah, I’d add upon that that that age group is often when we hear complaints about fairness. Right. And so you’re not true. I’m being treated differently than he or she is, you know, or you’re giving them more than I’m getting. You know, that sort of language runs rampant, especially through the kind of earlier to tween years and being clear, like you said, Rob, about
Robert Trout (23:20.613)
all the time.
Paul (23:37.996)
What is this distinction of expectations and responsibilities? And how can you maintain consistency?
in their individual care, not consistency oftentimes across the board again about like the differences of their expectations, but in their individual care and support because ultimately your consistency is going to support them in regulating themselves. They need to know what to expect. You need to be able to be black and white about it in that sense of, is so clear and precise that, you know, I’m gonna, I’m not gonna need to explain it again.
Robert Trout (24:03.037)
Mm-hmm.
Paul (24:16.356)
kids and their brains aren’t developed and they might forget you, you know, as best as you can, try and make it as clear as possible so that you don’t feel like you need to be the broken record. Even though that might be the case, especially if they’re experiencing anxiety or they have some sense of trauma or maybe there’s some neurodivergent aspects of who they are, you’re gonna have to be the broken record. And so make sure you have that language down for each one of the kids and make sure your co-parent is
Robert Trout (24:19.195)
Yes.
Paul (24:45.464)
echoing that sentiment.
Robert Trout (24:47.815)
Yep, absolutely. I think my final thought on siblings and tweens, that age group, would play into that in the sense that if you’re a parent and you have a kid that’s struggling or trying to figure out a mental health process with them or set them up, recognize that with the mimicry, there is also the availability.
of you turning each moment into a teaching moment for all the younger siblings in that line. Okay? So it’s a wonderful opportunity to step outside of, so not in front of the other kid, but to step away and say, hey, what did you just see happen there? And have that younger kid describe to you what they’re witnessing and taking in and start to teach them little pieces of language to help them, well, what you saw there,
was me reflecting and allowing your brother to have that experience. And sometimes it didn’t go well. it’s what you saw there was me lose my patience and I do my best. And I’m going to ask you to understand that you and I might fight sometime too. And that’s okay. I’m still going to love you and I’m still going to be present. I’m like the reassurance really lowers anxiety at those age groups as well. So I think that would be my point to that.
Paul (26:05.531)
Mm-hmm.
Paul (26:11.023)
Certainly.
Paul (26:14.636)
Yeah, and I mean, I’ll reiterate that with just a little bit of different language. And it’s a framework that we use a lot in parent trainers, which is intention versus impact.
Right? You know, the siblings and everybody in the family is being impacted. So sometimes you actually might have to circle back and clarify what your intention is, especially if you weren’t as graceful as you would hope you would be in given situation, being able to manage your tone or your volume or your body language, or the sibling is expressing in a way that might be hard for another family member to receive it and feels that they have had a rupture so big that it’s erotic.
Robert Trout (26:24.938)
yeah. Yep.
Robert Trout (26:36.861)
See you.
Paul (26:55.816)
So being able to circle back around and have that conversation, you said, robbery assurance is so important. And, you know, being able to clarify, hey, these are our intentions and it’s not always going to look pretty, but we have to like stay connected to who we are as a family, our core beliefs, our values, our ethics, our love, our respect. So creating that space to fold that language in.
Robert Trout (27:06.589)
Thank
Robert Trout (27:23.111)
Yes, absolutely. So let’s move from there to the teenage avenue, where what we’re talking about here is like no matter where the kid is in the age and the group of siblings, when we look at siblings who are teenagers, right? So we’re moving into that category of where they’re at and what they might need that would be specific.
For me, there’s always when it’s a teenager, like we have moved into the individuation. So creating space, even calling it safe space for this sibling to have one-on-one time with you, develop a relationship with you, and be able to go off and try life and come back and know that you’re safe for them is still a primary goal here.
So it’s not protecting them from what’s happening, but don’t lump them all together would be my key piece of advice here as we look at strategy is don’t go into the like, if I create a consequence series for this kid that’s struggling because they have something mental health based or behavioral based, et cetera, I don’t have to take that over here and make it the same for you. In fact, making it unique.
for each might be really helpful. That being said, sometimes you have to create a cohesive system, right? I always call it run the program, where the house follows a set of house values and rules and guidelines, et cetera. And I do actually recommend that for most families that have teenagers that are going out, because everyone becomes really focused on the same expectation and language and value and system. So creating a cohesive system is great.
And you need to make sure you meet the needs of each individual as well within that system. So some things might need to be tweaked a little bit. So remaining open-minded to the individual changes that need to happen would be my first thought for the teenage kind of group.
Paul (29:31.029)
Yeah, and I’ll build upon that by reinforcing that, especially with teenagers, it’s so important that they have agency. So important that you ask their opinions. So important that you get curious about their needs and what they are trying to express to you. Because every team that feels like they’re just being told what to do, or they’re being lectured to, or they don’t know best, those are the teams that are going to either withdraw or push you away or shut down. And you’re just,
Robert Trout (29:38.62)
Yes.
Paul (30:02.026)
you’re spending your well-earned rapport, right? And so creating that opportunity to be curious with them and help them feel held. And again, this goes back to a sense of safety and co-regulation and that rapport, slow down.
Slow down, connect with a teen. And here’s the tricky part. Watch out for a sense of interrogation. Okay. Like you don’t want to ask them question after question after question, you know, about what their needs are. Dip into about five minutes, 10 minutes tops. Okay. Because they are probably being sensitive because they’re irritable teenagers. They’re probably being sensitive because their attentions on other things like social dynamics outside of the home. And.
Robert Trout (30:27.484)
Yes.
Paul (30:50.643)
seeking approval from their peers and all of those different layers of life experience as a teen. So ultimately recognize how to…
purposefully being with them for a short time period, building rapport, creating space for their voice, and ultimately holding that in the back of your mind again for all the reasons that we’ve already named around creating intentional one-on-one time with them, having them feel like they have a role, creating an opportunity to clarify intentionality, making sure it’s not an us versus them. All of those things can be accomplished with these just brief little snippets of engagement, especially with the teens.
Robert Trout (31:27.325)
this thing.
Robert Trout (31:31.835)
Yeah. Yep.
I closing thought for me on teenagers with siblings and kind of keeping a broad open mind here for the parent is to recognize that as teens, they are not adults. So often, and I think I mentioned this in the last episode, there is a conflict that occurs because we’re expecting adult behavior from individuals that, I mean, they don’t even have the brain yet to…
to think like we do and problem solve like we do and go through that. So just a reminder to that awareness and in the skill of recognizing how to work with siblings is to recognize that as teenagers, they need direction and mentorship and guidance from you at the level of teenager. Very often, if all of the apparent energy is getting directed towards the individual that’s constantly under struggle,
Your patience is already gone. So when you get to the sibling, we’re expecting from them something different than the normal teenage question or interaction or level of engagement with you and is not on them. That that’s our energy has has been depleted to the level that we’re having expectations that are not going to be met by this individual. So now we’re creating conflict between us and this other teenager.
who might have been able to meet you, but not at the level that very often we find ourselves in.
Robert Trout (33:13.061)
Alright, let’s finish this off. Young adults. This is an interesting category where the siblings are young adults typically, or high-ranking teenagers, as their young adult sibling is struggling in this. And when they’re in that age range, mean, honestly, the first thought that comes to me is always the, don’t have to step back.
to become something to support their sibling that’s struggling. They want to sometimes, depending on their personality and kind of where they live and what they’re doing with their life, et cetera. But if individuation has really occurred, siblings who are young adults are sometimes more confused because it’s like, well, I’m already stepping out. Like, I have my own life. What am I supposed to do about this?
Do agree with that? Like, what do you run into with siblings that are older?
Paul (34:14.781)
You know, siblings that are older, they have so much history and sometimes these mental health issues do finally pop up at 17, 18, 19, 20, 24, right? And obviously beyond. And I mean, a current family I’m working with.
There is the child who’s really struggling, the young adult who’s really struggling, and there’s lot of embarrassment and shame in that. Having come home from school, not completing education, failing out, struggling socially, really retreating back home and not wanting to have the siblings understand what’s happening for him. So there’s a resistance for…
Robert Trout (34:56.128)
So.
Paul (35:02.002)
Or let me say that differently.
There is a desire to, for the parents from this person to not have a conversation with his siblings for the sake of his own self-preservation, to not feel more shame and not feel more anxiety and to feel stable in his own experience. And so, you know, that balance of, know, how much do I let the kids in or, know, the siblings in to the one who’s struggling? I mean, you have to give the agency over to the young adult, right? This is that time of their
lives where they get to claim their process. You are no longer that that parent who comes in and controls and fixes. You know that probably should have stopped at like when they were 13, 14. Right? So creating the opportunity for them to make the choices for themselves about how they develop or not their relationships with their siblings. You know and and that’s really part of what it means to have
Robert Trout (35:44.317)
Yeah.
Robert Trout (35:52.753)
Yes.
Paul (35:57.561)
know, adult relationships, you know, understand the consequence of choice and, you know, create the opportunity for them to really manage their own process as well. So, and that’s also really challenging for parents, you know, to take a step back and, and not be controlling or not want to fix or, you know, be that parent who overly engages or micromanages. So it takes a little bit of,
Well clarity about what your role is as a parent to to really manage that
Robert Trout (36:29.949)
Yeah, and speaking to the role, when the kids are reaching that young adult age range and moving up, there is a reality check here that I would give to any family. Step back to rule number one, assess. Because in our, I’m going to say our experience across the board of all of us trainers that work together when we’re doing kind of check-ins, very often there is a significant
Paul (36:48.032)
Mm-hmm.
Robert Trout (36:59.289)
Increase in tension when siblings step into a treatment process Because they don’t know what they’re doing So they’re stepping in and bringing all their stuff into the conversation and into the interactions and feeding Very often the mental health process that developed over years Without them realizing that they’re feeding something that
Paul (37:07.349)
Right.
Paul (37:11.946)
Mm-hmm.
Robert Trout (37:24.891)
The parents are trying to help break this pattern for this young adult that’s struggling. So sometimes the answer is just let everything be separate and allow for minimal interaction or then bring the siblings if they’re capable. And that’s the assessment. If the sibling is capable of being a functional adult that understands interaction and reaction and kind of the impact that they’re going to have.
Paul (37:29.813)
Mm-hmm.
Robert Trout (37:54.609)
neurologically and therapeutically for this person if they can understand that then maybe you invite them in otherwise you make the decision to not invite them in because we’re trying to simplify for the individual that struggling so you still have your personal relationship with the sibling but they’re exiting in a mature and necessary way for you as a family system
Any thoughts on that? Or anything else? Last thoughts?
Paul (38:30.764)
I guess my last thoughts about young adults in general is that…
If there is non-neurotypical challenges, ASD or the impacts of trauma or ADHD or something personality oriented, that’s the age range that we start to see fully formed.
Robert Trout (38:44.785)
Mm. Yep.
Paul (39:00.92)
Like, I mean, not that, I mean, we see ASD early on, but you know, personality challenges, they tend to be fully formed around 18, 19, 20. And so that could be really challenging for parents to manage and really confusing for siblings to wrap their heads around and give grace. So, you know, it goes back to that number one, you know, assessment and build relationship, you know, and…
Robert Trout (39:14.896)
and sibling.
Paul (39:28.684)
Gosh, create the opportunity for them to again, claim their process and understand what healthy boundaries are. So when you’re working with young adults, be clear about your boundaries. Be it your emotional bandwidth, your mental bandwidth, your quality time bandwidth, your financial bandwidth.
Robert Trout (39:48.796)
Yes.
Paul (39:49.822)
I mean, all of these things are worth considering when it comes to the idea of support because we’ve worked with so many parents who’ve overextended themselves to the point where they’re not really being positive impacts on their own family at that point. They’re exhausted.
Robert Trout (40:07.389)
Yep.
Paul (40:08.502)
So being able to slow down, have some perspective, take that thousand foot gaze and try and really get clear about, a minute, what is my role and how do I need to show up in this moment? Especially when it feels impossible. There are always options.
Robert Trout (40:25.895)
Well, let’s take what you just said and also put that out there for the parent awareness that very often the siblings have the same thought. If I look at this, how do I want to step in? And if they’re adults, then very often you’ll see that where they have sometimes very strong opinions, but that’s where the family needs to understand that the opinions are either helping the treatment and the orientation of the person that’s struggling.
Paul (40:33.87)
Mm-hmm.
Paul (40:45.058)
Certainly.
Robert Trout (40:53.477)
Or sometimes it’s just a part of the puzzle as to the relationship they developed over years that’s feeding the cycle for the individual that’s struggling. So if you can figure out your role in the struggle as a sibling, you might have to make that difficult decision to separate or create your own new way to interact or develop skills or do the trainings or all the things that we get families to do. So.
Paul (41:02.84)
Mm-hmm.
Robert Trout (41:20.839)
that awareness can start to develop also as a sibling. And if the sibling is a young adult or an adult of any caliber, they also have to make that decision for themselves and usually in interaction with the parents in that process.
Well, thank you all for listening. As always, please feel free to come find us at parenttrainers.com. Join our community, ask questions, watch the video trainings that we have, participate in the discussions around specific solutions for other families. Give us podcast episodes and we look forward to seeing you at the next episode.
