Robert Trout (00:01.84)
Hello and welcome to the Parent Problems Today podcast. I’m your host Robert Trout coming to you from the parent trainers community where we do parent coaching and educational lessons and support for families all over the world. Today’s episode is a little different. We have a special guest who’s coming to speak with us. I know him professionally and let me kind of introduce you to where he comes from and then we’ll get into what the episode will actually be about.
Todd Weatherly lives just outside of Asheville, North Carolina with his wife and family. He has a bachelor’s degree in psychology and a master’s in outdoor education administration. He is a qualified mental health and substance abuse prevention professional, and he is the president of Stucker, Smith and Weatherly, a therapeutic and educational consulting practice that guides families through their treatment journeys once a family figures out that they’re going to need a higher level of care.
He also produces the podcast called Mental Health Matters that I’ve been a guest on myself and is here today with all of that background, but he is here to share as a father. So stepping right into our wheelhouse of families, parents, two parents giving support. And he’s going to share a story that really steps into an arena to help families that
are looking at the situation that is sometimes very shocking where the path opens up and a child comes to you and says, I’m transgender. And then suddenly it’s okay. Now what? And Todd, as a father, you you, you’ve shared that you’ve had this journey and I want to make sure for all the listeners that the same guidelines for every episode we record come into play here where you’re going to share your story.
And this is not a fix all. This is what you did and your experience. So if you’re a parent listening to this, keep in mind our philosophy that there’s not one answer. Today’s kind of episode is going to step into the arena of what you did, Todd, and what you experienced and kind of what’s unfolded for you and your family. But for all the other families listening, please take this as a moment to reflect on where you’re at and how you’re reacting and what’s coming up for you.
Robert Trout (02:24.308)
And keep in mind, you might need to tweak what you’re doing to fit your family and your personality, et cetera. And when it comes to personalities, Todd has one of the most unique and amazing personalities I know. So welcome Todd Weatherly to the podcast. And I’d like to kick it off by just saying, like, where did this story start for you? Like when you think about this as a father and kind of how this has impacted you, where does this story really start?
Todd Weatherly (02:53.782)
Well, thanks Robert for having me on the show, first of all.
Robert Trout (02:57.327)
Mm-hmm.
Todd Weatherly (03:01.038)
The story starts, and I don’t know how common the story is. I think that it’s probably somewhat common that, you know, with all the background you mentioned, you know, with all the work I’ve done with behavioral health and mental health and across the board with adolescents and adults and everything else, my wife has a very similar background. We’re loving parents, very
I would say that we’re pretty accepting of people even when they’re in disadvantaged positions or compromised positions or among the disenfranchised or among the people that are regarded in various kinds of ways and struggle with identity and life and everything else. We welcome a person at face value and even so,
Our child did not come to us directly.
Robert Trout (04:06.05)
Hmm interesting, okay
Todd Weatherly (04:08.55)
And so was working at a place. My brother, my brother has cop shops in the area and was working for one of them as a, you know, kind of a first job part time deal, doing dishes, that kind of thing. And. We got a text message from my brother who said.
Todd Weatherly (04:32.782)
did your child change their name and I was like do I know and my wife was the same way as like what do mean well they just walked in and introduced themselves as such and such and and which is which was not their name or not the name that we but the name that we gave them at least at birth and so
Robert Trout (04:52.879)
No.
Todd Weatherly (05:00.46)
We were like, you know, what’s this all about? And we had a conversation with our child and Ben, I guess, was 16.
Robert Trout (05:16.912)
Okay.
Todd Weatherly (05:18.094)
Close to 17, you know, working on driving, but not fully driving at like around that age. and. You know, had been wearing a binder. And we didn’t, we’re like, you know, wore a lot of sweatshirts, you know, wearing a binder. and. And began to.
changed the tone of his voice.
Robert Trout (05:49.955)
Hmm.
Todd Weatherly (05:50.904)
to drop it an octave.
Robert Trout (05:53.838)
Yep. Okay.
Todd Weatherly (05:54.99)
And so all these things, you know, kind of crept up and the name change was kind of the like, hey, what’s up, you know? And so one of the first things we did was engage a therapist, family of therapists that could work with, you know, my child and us as his parents. Around being able to like, like he had a safe place to communicate about these things.
As if he was for whatever reason, he felt uncomfortable talking about some of it. And it’s like, okay, well, let’s give you a neutral third to, to land that stuff with. And, and then pull us in when you, when you’ve discovered a message, you feel like you can share. You know, it wasn’t like we were having conversations about it and that sort of thing, but we, we wanted to, we wanted him to feel safe in sharing what he had to share and.
Robert Trout (06:41.314)
No.
Todd Weatherly (06:55.246)
Part of what came out was he didn’t want to burden us with it. Which was like, you what? mean, you know, which is, you know, actually very sweet. But also like, and, you know, some point in time, you know, it’s going to come out, you know what I mean? And we’re going have to, we’re going to do something about it. But he was young and that was fine. So we, we eventually went to.
Robert Trout (06:59.556)
No.
Robert Trout (07:11.152)
.
Todd Weatherly (07:21.746)
you know, a joint therapy session with my wife, myself and him where he’s like, this is how I feel. And this is where I want to go with that. And this is my new name. And this is, you know, this stuff.
And, and, you know, the big piece.
for me was identifying, you know, again, very accepting of people.
That lives outside of my family, you know, of the people that are part of my core unit. So what I discovered that I ran across some hurdles that existed in my thought process and in my ideology and value system and everything else about this topic and this specific experience being here for me as a family member, not as an outside person.
know? And I was like, and the other thing I said was, you know, for the love of God, I’ve seen every kind of complex emotional behavior, maladaptive behavior, help people get into treatment. You had to pick the one topic I’m a complete novice about. that’s what they’re for. It’s like you had to do the thing that I don’t know. I don’t know diddly about.
Robert Trout (08:52.784)
That’s what kids are for,
Todd Weatherly (09:00.366)
And so at any rate, you know, I went through a lot of redefining.
Robert Trout (09:00.868)
Yeah.
Robert Trout (09:10.318)
Hmm.
Todd Weatherly (09:12.226)
Like, hmm. Well, you know, you know, I could hear my father who, who was not, who’s not, it’s been, you know, he was passed on from us for many years now. Pat was passed away when my child was like 10 months old, like 11 months old. just barely, barely knew him. and I loved my father and he was, he was kind and gentle person.
Robert Trout (09:34.074)
Mm-hmm.
Todd Weatherly (09:42.114)
philosophical at heart, I don’t think he would have taken it well. I don’t think he would have handled it in a way that I would have wanted him to handle it. And there might have been some grappling there, because it wasn’t something, I mean, even now, it’s not something I understand, because it’s not my experience, but it’s something I’ve cultivated tremendous compassion for.
Robert Trout (09:50.585)
Mm-hmm.
Robert Trout (10:04.676)
Mm-hmm.
Todd Weatherly (10:10.894)
And, you know, I could hear my father, know, the well, and I even at one point in time, very early on told my child, my oldest child, I said, look, that’s great. You identify in whatever way you want to identify. You call yourself what you want to call yourself or support you in that way. I don’t.
we came to the conclusion that we didn’t think it was prudent to undergo any kind of hormone therapy or other kinds of changes. It’s like, look, I wouldn’t let you go out and get a tattoo, which is a permanent alteration to your body at this age. I’d ask you to wait. And when you’re technically an adult, and even that is a stretch, but when you’re technically an adult at the age of 18,
You can make those kinds of decisions for yourself and we’ll support you in making those decisions for now. Let’s just. We’ll stay on this path and you know. Are you by the name that you want to be called by and identify you? How you going to be identified? But let’s not do dramatic changes. I want you to be sure. I want you to be sure and I know you know from having done a lot of research about it and and go into the gyms conferences and things like that that.
You know, there are cases that are different. I’m on one hand, not a huge fan of this, the super affirming strategy. And, and I’m not, and it is absolutely not appropriate to deny a person, you know, what they’re bringing up for, like, you don’t want to overaffirm, you don’t want to underaffirm. It’s like, well, you know,
Robert Trout (12:01.808)
For our listeners, do you mind kind of defining those two sides? Because I know some people are very new to this, especially if they just got that call from their brother saying, what’s going on? So can you define those for us?
Todd Weatherly (12:06.872)
Sure. Well.
Yeah.
Todd Weatherly (12:17.058)
Yeah, I absolutely can. And, you know, I think it’s different depending on the age of your child. You know, we’ve got we’ve got a close family friend whose child decided decided that they were transgendered now and wanted to go by a different name and everything else. But but he is 18. So.
Robert Trout (12:25.413)
Mm-hmm.
Todd Weatherly (12:45.314)
You know, it’s a little different, I think, when you’re addressing someone who is an emerging adult or a young adult versus you’re addressing someone who’s a teenager and still under your care and still under your guardianship and everything else. And, you know, there’s lots of gray territory here, man, I tell you, you just got to, I think you got to go with your own parental gut and heart and everything else. It’s a, you know, first and foremost, love your child.
Robert Trout (13:06.34)
There is.
Todd Weatherly (13:14.712)
Pretty simple. That’s your guide. It’s hard, you know, if that’s your guide, you know, all parents screw up sometimes. But I think that loving your child, being your guide is going to get you the best results. So, you know, with regard to, you know, there are individuals who hear a child that will come home and they’re even therapeutic professionals out there that will that will listen to a client and they’re saying, well, you know, I feel like, you know,
I know I was born a girl, but I feel like a boy or vice versa, or I want to go by they, or I want to change my name or any of these other things. And then there’s, I’ve heard of, I don’t have a direct experience with an individual who’s done these things, but I’ve heard plenty of stories about, let’s go ahead and change your wardrobe and let’s go ahead and get you on, you know, hormone changes and let’s go ahead and, know, we want to embrace this.
100%. It’s like that’s an overreaction. I also think that any such change, I mean, I don’t buy a car, you know, honestly, without doing a lot of research and looking at all the data and look at the thing, you know, what are the years that were good? Should I buy it at this year or that year? What’s a cost? Are used models worth, like I do a ton, it’s a major purchase.
And I want it to fit my needs and I want it to do what I want it to do and I’m picky about it. And I wouldn’t make any major decision without giving it that kind of due, ultimately. And I think this is a major decision. And I think that part of the issue that you run into is that adolescents and young adults are not used to doing the due diligence that goes into making major decisions.
and making them slow down. It’s like, I’m not saying, you know, I’m not trying to disagree with you here. What I’m trying to do is make you take, you know, if you’re talking about making permanent changes to yourself and your body, it is not something you want to do lightly. So let’s take the time. I want you to, I want you to live inside this skin for a minute and
Todd Weatherly (15:38.004)
make sure feels right and do these things. early on I did say this very thing to my child. said, look, I get you and I hear you and I support you. And if you were a bug and I were a biologist, I’d come and pick you up, turn you over, mark the gender that I saw, set you down on the ground and walk away. And that’s just that there’s truth that’s there. So you have to reconcile that with
the life that you want to go and lead and how you want to present yourself and what you want to be called and everything else. I am very, very lucky in that my child has always been a person that knew exactly who they were. They have never had really much question about it ever, even before any of this. And they also don’t need you to believe them. They’re not that you could
Robert Trout (16:21.776)
Mm-hmm.
Todd Weatherly (16:36.598)
You could misgender him and he wouldn’t say anything. You probably won’t because he’s done a lot of work to make sure that you don’t. But if you did or tried to be inflammatory about anything, he’s just going to walk away. He doesn’t need you to believe him. He doesn’t need you to agree. He’s not there to make a point. He’s not interested in your unless you’re one of his friends or family or somebody that’s part of his circle.
He’s really not interested. Your opinion doesn’t matter. He’s going to say whatever he needs to say and he’s going to move on.
Robert Trout (17:07.822)
Yeah.
Robert Trout (17:12.346)
So for the listener, let’s get a little clarity this. How far into this process are you? Like how many years in are you to this process?
Todd Weatherly (17:22.445)
So talking around six, so we’re five years and five years in top surgery and testosterone and hormones and they’re on testosterone.
Robert Trout (17:27.664)
Five years.
Okay, five years, they have had surgery. that would be, so they’re 20, 21? Okay, okay, so we’re into the 20s, and they’ve started this process, and it’s their choice, and you’re being supportive, I assume, in your languaging and watching as it’s going.
Todd Weatherly (17:40.462)
21.
Robert Trout (17:55.268)
Part of what we always step into for our organization that I want to ask you about is the consequences conversation, which you’re kind of dancing around in a lot of what you said, because we, we talk about consequences, not as good or bad, but it’s both. Like when you make a decision, that decision will change your life. That change is the consequence. Good or bad is, is irrelevant to the external. It’s to the, person holding the space for, you know, how they’re feeling in their new life.
So as you’ve gone through this, you’ve kind of danced through some language around like, OK, you had these conversations with your child, around like, well, let’s slow it down and let’s really hold space for the decisions you’re going to make and we’ll support it. But it’s your decision. You made the decision, so the consequence then is owned, I’m assuming. So I want to open that and hand it to you and say, what does that look like as you’re having those conversations in what I would
Assume is very open way because you said you and your wife are very like, okay, you know, accepting and this is just where it is. But when we look at it through the lens of consequence conversation, what did that look like for you?
Todd Weatherly (19:08.974)
Well, my wife was sad about being the only female in the family. All of sudden, like I’m the only woman here. I thought I was going to have a daughter.
Robert Trout (19:15.29)
Wow.
Mm-hmm.
Todd Weatherly (19:27.438)
And I think that strikes, there’s a nerve that’s there. I think that.
It’s an interesting concept to mourn a change in your child. You certainly I mean, there’s certainly a mourning process when they leave the house for the first, you know, when they’ve left for the first year of college and they’re no longer living in your house anymore. Like you mourn the crap out of that. You know what I mean? You’re happy about it. I mean, it’s something that you embrace and you want. mean, you want them. I am I’m.
Robert Trout (19:41.529)
Hmm
Robert Trout (19:55.556)
Yep.
Not everybody is, Todd.
Todd Weatherly (20:05.268)
I’m super happy about my child, like going into the world and getting a college degree and enjoying their time at college. I love that for them, you know, and I’m super proud of. And like, I’d love to have them back home. I mean, it’d be great. You know, I’d love to have much. I’d like both of my children, like they’re great people and I love hanging out with them. And, and when they go like that, you’re like, it’s bittersweet.
Robert Trout (20:15.716)
Mm-hmm.
Robert Trout (20:22.96)
Thank you.
Todd Weatherly (20:34.326)
as they say, you know. I know that it’s not like that for every family, but it’s like that for us. And for this, it was a very similar kind of reconciling some ideas, reconciling the kind of hard science with the head approach that you that I had about it or felt about. It’s like. I don’t understand this. This is what I would do if I was a scientist and you were a bug.
Robert Trout (20:35.461)
Yeah.
Todd Weatherly (21:01.91)
You know, it’s not a very, it was not a very compassionate message. But I was also saying the things that I felt. And then you start running into the, well, you know, like I say, I’d hear the dad’s voice. like, a man is a man and a woman is a woman. Like there’s not, where’s the in between here, blah, blah, blah. I could hear all that stuff, even though I didn’t believe any of it, even though it was not my own value system. I didn’t, but I didn’t realize that voice was there until it started speaking.
Robert Trout (21:31.991)
Right, so you had to do your own personal work to deconstruct the beliefs that were handed to you.
Todd Weatherly (21:38.766)
100 % yeah yeah
Robert Trout (21:40.546)
Okay. That’s an important point when we get into this with families we’re supporting is the like, you’re showing up not just with who you think you are, but back here is everything that was ever told to you from the generations before grandparents, parents, et cetera. And there is, I mean, purposeful value in going in and finding those things and looking at them and saying, is this true for me?
Todd Weatherly (21:56.216)
Yep.
Todd Weatherly (22:09.122)
Right.
Robert Trout (22:10.062)
Right? That personal work is such an important step.
Todd Weatherly (22:12.952)
Well, and it’s very sneaky because it’s subtle. It’s so it’s subtle, but subtle things turn into opinions and conflicts and everything else. They just they’ll be not if you’re not good at listening to your subtleties in your own voice, the voice that you use to speak to yourself. Now, this internal dialogue that you have, I know that not everybody has one of those, but.
Robert Trout (22:15.727)
Yes.
Todd Weatherly (22:42.446)
I certainly do. I think everybody can relate to the fact that like, you know, they had a parent that they or grandparent that they really, you know, that they loved a lot. And that person’s voice, they can hear that person’s voice sometimes when they’re in middle of a tough time or when a certain situation is happening. You’ve got you speak to yourself. There’s there’s this there are thoughts that go on in your mind. You don’t say all of them.
Robert Trout (22:43.225)
Okay.
Todd Weatherly (23:12.898)
And there’s a part of you that picks which thoughts to come to the mouth and then get said. And, you know, in those places, there’s these, there are these gaps and there are these nuances and there are these subtleties of voice and there are these subtleties of opinion and value system and everything else that if you’re, if you’re used to just letting it ride and it comes out of your brain and out of your mouth and you don’t give it a lot of reflection, you’re not going to be very good at it.
catching those subtleties. And then if you are a person who chooses to do that work, you realize how uncomfortable and difficult it can be in the beginning of trying it. You know, I started doing that sort of thing through my own process many years ago. And once you start doing it, it just doesn’t go away. You never stop doing it. It’s part, it’s just a mechanism of your brain. It’s like, do I really feel that way? Is that how I feel?
about this? Do I really feel like there’s just these two categories? No, I actually don’t. And you know, the, I think the place where it came out that I noticed the most was when you, when you refer to, if you’ve got a trans child, say they went from female to male, and you refer to them before they transitioned. So, when he was a she and she was a child, and you like,
There’s the stuff that comes out of your mouth. that means that one, my child’s gender is private information.
Robert Trout (24:54.704)
Mm-hmm.
Todd Weatherly (24:56.11)
It’s none of your business. You can guess. I’m sure he’ll correct you if you get it wrong. As I will. If you misgender me, I’ll correct you. I’m not going to take offense unless you tried to be offensive for some reason. know, whatever. That’s fine. And there’s this lack of acceptance. I’m still clinging to this person when they were this other gender that I knew them as a female.
I knew them as a little girl.
And now I was like, when he was a child.
Robert Trout (25:37.134)
Yep.
Todd Weatherly (25:37.26)
You know, doesn’t matter what his gender was when he was a child. It’s when he was a child.
When he was a child, he was in Girl Scouts. You know what I mean? Like, and you know, there’s aspects of the story that I leave out for individuals that I don’t, it’s not none of their business. And then there are other people who are closer to us. It’s like, you know, this is the process we went through and this is Felix now and so on, blah, blah, you know, there’s, there’s all these pieces. but that was the one that, that got me because I think I see a lot of people struggle with it. It’s like, when they were this and the, you know, they, do use that language.
Robert Trout (25:48.037)
Yep.
Robert Trout (25:56.389)
Yeah.
Todd Weatherly (26:14.796)
And that, you know, that kind of takes us to the, the under affirming side. You don’t want to overaffirm. You also don’t want to like, I, you’ve probably seen this before. I know I have, but parents who are, won’t accept it at all and resist it tooth to nail. And it, it, it, there’s no place in their schema that it can live. And they are.
doggedly rigid about the principles or values that are holding that approach or that perspective in place. And, you know, you get a child who feels unloved by their family, you’ve got children who, you know, start having suicidal ideation and thoughts and experience anxiety and depression and do poor academically. And, I mean, you’ve got kids that are getting kicked out of houses.
And then you’ve got families, and I know that this is, you know, some of the stories I’ve heard, one story in particular, but you’ve got families who belong to a social group who are rigid that way, the church or whatever, and that’s where their community is. And they choose instead to love and embrace their child regardless of how, and not, you know, accept them for who they say they are.
And as a result, lose their community because the community can’t accept their decision to accept their child. First, I don’t care. My child comes first, you know, and I don’t, I’m grateful not to have to suffer from that problem, but I know that other families have and then other, and then some families make the choice to just be rigid and they drive a wedge between themselves and the child. And then all of sudden their child is in kind of.
Robert Trout (27:41.604)
Mm-hmm.
Robert Trout (27:59.141)
Yep.
Todd Weatherly (28:08.718)
pretty bad emotional territory. And that, yeah.
Robert Trout (28:11.514)
Right. I’m going to use that as a springboard because I want to make sure we touch on some of the topic pieces that we probably won’t get into in your story. for the listener, when we open this episode and I talked about like the shocking effect of like someone coming out as transgender in our experience, it’s very often shocking, not because even of the revelation. mean, some families are like, yeah, kind of suspected.
There was something there. knew something was there. We just didn’t know which direction it was going to go. But even for them, the shocking element is very often the this opening, this like confession and like, this is who I am, shapes the future of the whole family system. It just does. And the consequences of that, and again, consequence doesn’t mean bad. It just means
something has changed and now the consequences are gonna unfold and a big part of that is community and social interactions, family, where it’s like being disowned by certain grandparents or whatever it might be. There’s all kinds of dynamics that unfold from this. So I just wanna make sure we step into that for a moment, that everyone that’s listening, very often the shocking effect is the fear that comes up for the parent.
because usually they’re the ones with the prefrontal cortex. their brain skipping five steps ahead and seeing some of the results, the strife and conflict or, or, you know, even just the possibility of things becoming dangerous or violent for them in their community or whatever it might be. They see that. So we honor that the parent is the one that’s going through the shock.
And then step two is stepping into what, you know, I’m glad you’re talking about today, Todd, is the, hold on. How am I going to choose to hold this process as it unfolds? It really is a personal decision, knowing that those consequences might actually be real. The things you’re afraid of, they might happen. You might get kicked out of your church. You might be disowned by someone. You might
Robert Trout (30:30.116)
You know, have to stand up for your child or change your language or all these things. So all that is very real. And at the end of the day, when a child comes out as transgender, there’s kind of two processes that we open up. One is doing the personal work to recognize the fear, recognize what is coming from the back of your mind, from, you know, what you were raised with, all that kind of work needs to now be done.
Todd Weatherly (30:31.468)
loose friends, right.
Robert Trout (30:56.782)
And then I’m going to pass it over to a second category. Then I’m going hand back to you, Todd, in a second. Very often, I call it the guide to 25, just because there’s so many professionals that are happening now, or sorry, professionals that are moving in the direction of guide to 25, being the, you have decided that you would like to explore the possibility that you’re transgender.
You might have even decided like at a level like, this is what I am, et cetera. Now let’s open up the therapeutic process. Let’s open up the family conversation and the steps it would take and do the research on the surgeries and the consequences, not just when things go right, but when they go wrong. So this isn’t about fear, but guide to 25 is the idea for every listener out there that by the time someone is 25, their prefrontal cortex is fully developed.
and they have a better understanding of that like background and research and understanding and seeing a few steps ahead of where a decision will lead for them. And so I see a lot of people moving in that direction, including, and for me, this came from professionally working with individuals that were transgender and watching podcasts and episodes with individuals who decided.
They were heavily supported, as Todd mentioned earlier. So they started the process really early, and then they got into their mid-20s, and then they transitioned back to their original gender. So there’s a lot of respect for me in the community, where it’s just an open conversation. It’s not a, made a mistake, or it was right or wrong. was a, I began this journey, went that direction, only to find that that wasn’t actually what was going on for me.
Todd Weatherly (32:28.706)
Yeah. Yeah.
Todd Weatherly (32:39.054)
Yeah.
Robert Trout (32:45.7)
So I’m gonna hand that back to you to just get your opinion on the Guide to 25 process, this kind of opening there where it’s like people going through this in stages and kind of giving a chance for everyone to hone that in. What comes up when I kind of bring that up to you, Todd?
Todd Weatherly (33:02.382)
Well, I pretty mechanistic about it. Cause on it, like, like I said, you know, I wouldn’t pick, you know, I buy a car a certain way. for my kids, it’s like making, making sure that they were individuals capable of navigating things that are going to come up in life. they come up for you in life regardless. I mean, you know, everybody’s got, you know, a co-worker they don’t like or a boss that, you know, yells at them or.
Robert Trout (33:23.524)
Mm-hmm.
Todd Weatherly (33:31.67)
or a teacher they don’t like and a subject they’re not good at. There are all these things and it’s like, yeah, but you probably still have to do the work or yeah, you still have to go to work today and manage this relationship in some way that feels like you can continue to do it. Or you’ve got a decision to make and you leave that environment for another one. What are the steps you’ve taken in order to do that? Like, you know, there’s just this, and the more you, you know,
The way that children make decisions like I am the, you know, some, some, some shortened thought process has taken place and they’ve announced to the world that whatever it is they’ve decided to do. And it’s, know, my, my, best example is my, my other, my other child who’s, know, well, I’m going to save him some money and get a sports car. I’m like, that sounds good. I, you’re going to do that by yourself, you know, cause right now this is the amount of money you make.
Robert Trout (34:04.632)
Yes.
Todd Weatherly (34:29.197)
this is the kind of car that you can afford. You can barely afford the car that you’ve got. And then when you graduate from school, you’re going to get a job that will allow you to afford that car. How? And then of course, you’ve got to remember that that car is a lot more expensive to maintain. Not only is it more expensive to purchase, it’s more expensive to maintain. Maybe what you should consider doing is buying things that are reasonable. Set that as, I’m not telling you to give up the goal. I’m telling you to be
thoughtful about it and be prepared for owning such a car. I also would love to have you with at least five years worth of driving experience before you drove something that was really, really fast. And, and cause you’ve totaled two cars already. And I’m thinking you’re not going to want to total that one. so you might want to be a more experienced driver.
Robert Trout (35:09.412)
Mm-hmm.
Robert Trout (35:14.436)
Yep.
Robert Trout (35:20.548)
Yeah.
Todd Weatherly (35:23.734)
I know that none of these thoughts occurred to you when you wanted to announce to me that you wanted to buy a sports car. And here we are. This is why I’m going to be the thoughtfulness for you in advance of you developing the skill. and you know, we approached this whole topic that same way with, with my son. We approach all topics and, and then you reach the thing. And I think this is important, but.
you reach the thing that’s hard to do. know, whether it’s following through with an assignment or, you know, going to talk to a teacher who’s giving you a bad grade or heck, initially it was like, Hey dad, go give me some chips. Like, here’s the card.
Robert Trout (35:55.31)
Yeah.
Robert Trout (36:10.138)
Yep.
Todd Weatherly (36:11.438)
Go get you some chips. Well, I don’t want to go in and buy them. It’s like, I don’t either. And I don’t want any chips. So here we are. And eventually it’s like, cause he’s uncomfortable, right? You know, and it’s like, yeah, you’ll, you’ll get over being uncomfortable. My favorite was you’re going to have to take this to the bank and cash this check because you’re unable to do it virtually or whatever. And he’s like, but I don’t want to have to go to the bank.
Robert Trout (36:17.71)
Yep.
Yeah. Yeah.
Robert Trout (36:26.711)
Yeah.
Robert Trout (36:36.858)
Right.
Todd Weatherly (36:40.448)
And like go talk to people. And I was just like, that’s so cute.
Robert Trout (36:45.968)
Yep. Well, there, there in lies the, like the process and you know, we talk about guide to 25 just in this transgender realm of like getting influence and, and, and therapy and family support and all these steps that can be taken step by step along the way. But there is that adult effect, right? Where it’s like, you’re going to start seeing like, you want this. Well, if you do this, then you have to go to the bank.
If you want the money, you have to go to the bank. Like there’s a direct correlation to real adult mentality in life. And at least for us, we always talk with families, you know, even at the kids, like 13, we’re like, okay, how do you train this 13 year old to be a functional young adult? And the parents mind go, what? So how do you teach them to think and recognize patterns and to hold space for consequences, both good and bad and all the different things
Todd Weatherly (37:14.175)
Right.
Robert Trout (37:41.096)
as you move them through each opportunity. So it really is a teaching opportunity, but in any subject. But for this subject, it’s really that like, okay, I want you to understand that what you decide today impacts you tomorrow.
Todd Weatherly (37:57.806)
Well, and I had what you’re talking about this, the anger response, the shock response. And, know, it was, was like, look, man, I’m the protector for this family. I don’t know if you knew this or not, but it’s my role. And I protect the family. I protect this house. protect the dogs and the cats. And I protect you as my children. First and foremost, even above your mother, like we would both, we would both save you.
Robert Trout (38:03.845)
Mm-hmm.
Todd Weatherly (38:27.182)
before we would save each other and you could ask us, you get the same answer to that question. Like that’s how important you are. And now you’re making a decision that I know it’s like it’s a hard road hoe and there’s all this stuff and have you thought about all the things? And like, I had that reaction, you know, I had.
Robert Trout (38:44.452)
Yeah, that’s the normal. That’s a biological reaction. Absolutely. That is a neurological pre-programmed. Yes, I understand.
Todd Weatherly (38:48.493)
Yeah.
Todd Weatherly (38:53.006)
I’m projecting the hardship already, you know what I mean? And our children are not our projections, thank God. And so they do things that surprise us. They’re highly resilient in ways that we probably didn’t know in the first place. And they do something really special and cool with what they’re given, I think. At least that’s my experience. And I couldn’t be happier about what’s happening for…
Robert Trout (38:57.252)
Yeah. Yeah.
Robert Trout (39:03.428)
Yeah.
Todd Weatherly (39:22.168)
for him right now. And I think he’s got a great thing going. I mean, and again, I’m lucky. my child worked, you know, took a gap year, saved up enough money, paid for his top surgery. Every dollar, every dollar a minute. Yeah.
Robert Trout (39:37.082)
Wow, that’s That’s great. And I commend that. There’s that element, right? Like, this is something that’s important to you. So go and step in and make the decision and the investment so that it’s your decision and your outcome.
Todd Weatherly (39:49.614)
Mm-hmm.
Todd Weatherly (39:53.44)
And if he had come to me and said, I’m, you know, I’m a couple of grand shy or something like that, we would have supported him. But the fact that he, he went forward and made that effort and took ownership. That was, that was what I was looking for.
Robert Trout (40:05.594)
Yes.
Yep, that’s amazing. Really is. I commend that 100%.
So, I mean, this conversation could go on and on and on, but I feel like that’s an amazing spot to start wrapping this conversation up around like your adventure into the journey and kind of what’s unfolded. I would ask if you don’t mind closing this episode, just a quick, what were, cause you said like your son came out like, okay.
Todd Weatherly (40:18.488)
Yeah.
Robert Trout (40:38.308)
this is what’s going on. And you went, that’s the one thing I know nothing about, which is truly ironic. And I appreciate that on every single level as a parent. But okay, game on. I’ve got to learn. Would you mind telling our parents the top two resources that you stepped into that you would be like, start here, read this book or go to that podcast or whatever. Like what are the top two like for you, someone that’s been through this five years down the road?
Todd Weatherly (40:41.482)
Right.
Dang it. Really?
Robert Trout (41:07.766)
Here are the two places I’d say, just start here to start reflecting and thinking. Where would you send people?
Todd Weatherly (41:16.382)
I think one thing that we did that I think everybody should do is go talk to another parent who’s been through it. And someone you think has kind of made some, seems to be going well and they’re kind of on the other side of this and maybe they struggled, but they seem to have a good thing going. if you pick a family that’s in a lot of turmoil around it, that’s probably not your advice family. But to find a family that’s been through it and is,
struggled with it and done all the things that go along with it, but just come on the other side and listen to their story and listen to the resources they picked out. Because communities have resources sometimes that are not necessarily available broadly. And that’s true for our area to a certain extent. But the other thing, you know, being in behavioral health, I certainly reached out to
individuals I knew who were consultants who had been working with families around the topic and you know had them point me at resources one of which and the GEMS conference always GEMS the gender gender equality I miss up that it’s it’s a LBGTQ treatment
and methodology and latest research kind of conference bringing to the forefront what is here to be supportive to that community. And there’s a lot there about transgender individuals and the path that they’ve done, the resources they access, et cetera. One of which is a university that has a center doing research on transgender. I can dig it out. I just don’t remember it right now.
Todd Weatherly (43:18.124)
But, and what they have is here’s a lot of the biological research that we’ve done. Here’s a lot of the stuff that says, you know, it’s really better to wait. Or there are some cases where, you have, you have human beings that are born, they come out with both sets and largely what happens or what has happened to those people is parents pick the
Robert Trout (43:40.154)
Mm-hmm.
Todd Weatherly (43:46.754)
they pick the gender, they cut the other off. I mean, that’s essentially what happened. And so I think that, you know, everybody’s situation is different. Get as much both, you know, here, that is another parent or another, you know, their family, it’s called through experience, advice as you can. And then, you know, get as much time tested, reliable, clinical,
information as you possibly can. If you go to one therapist, you might get one answer. If you go to another therapist, you might get this answer. But if you go to a center that’s been doing research for a decade on this group of people, and these are the findings that they’ve had, you know, these the evidence-based kinds of either information practices or treatments that they have discovered, and their efficacy and those kinds of things, that’s the kind of information you want.
to help guide you in making decisions, you’re going to find yourself having to make. And so, you know, I think I’m trying to be careful about.
Todd Weatherly (44:57.548)
There are there are scenarios out there that I don’t know that involve biochemistry and other kinds of behaviors. And, you know, you’ll hear stories about a person who is now transgendered that they knew that they were in the wrong, they were in the wrong body since they were like two years old. And they had been grabbing, and even though they were female, they had been grabbing.
bats and shorts and you know identifying in that way as long as they could and they knew it from the very beginning it’s like what do do with that person well I would say that there’s a lot of evidence to say that you need to let certain mile markers go by and there are some markers that might indicate early intervention they exist out there they’re rare they’re fairly rare but if you feel like you’re in that situation go get the testing go get
a doctor to advise you. Go get someone who’s neutral and professional to give you good advice before you just start jumping onto decisions because of something that a therapist said or a family member said or whatever. Like get good information, make informed decisions. That would be my advice to anyone. And love your child first.
Robert Trout (46:13.199)
Yes.
Robert Trout (46:16.944)
Thank you. That’s a wonderful message. yeah, so for any parent listening, you know, this is one person’s story and it unfolds so individually for the person and the family. So hopefully this episode has helped and kind of brought some thoughts and reflection and ideas and hopefully some direction for what you might consider to do next.
But for me, as a closing thought from what you just said, Todd, is slow it down. This doesn’t need to be a fast, impulsive process. This is all about safety and connection. And I what you just said. Love your kid. That’s the connection. Love your kid and step in to them exploring who they are. You don’t have to agree.
You don’t have to be like 100 % on board or understand it immediately, all those things. This is going to be a process for you and them. This is individual as you both move forward in your lives together. So remember to love your child. Thank you, Todd, so much for joining us. And I’m sure he’ll be on again in the future. And yeah, I really appreciate your time.
Todd Weatherly (47:38.786)
Thanks, Robert. Good to be here.
